Listen up, folks. I don't mean to alarm you, but the time to act is NOW. If you still haven't gotten off your ass and stuck your latest piece of fan mail to Ringo Starr in the mail, you better do it right now. It's not my intention to cause a panic, but as you can see, the message above clearly states, plain as day, straight from the ex-Beatle's mouth, that after Oct. 20 Ringo is no longer answering any fan mail, and he's not signing any autographs either.
You're probably wondering, "Why?! WTF? OMG?" and possibly other widely-used Internet abbreviations I'm not familiar with yet. Well, for starters, it's none of your damn business why. But, if you must know, Ringo has shit to do. Being an ex-Beatle is like having the Miss America crown for the rest of your life. It's not all sitting around looking pretty. You've got responsibilities. He's got to promote his new album, Liverpool 8. Maybe he's got to learn some Chubby Checker B-sides for his all-star oldies band. Maybe he's plotting a sequel to Caveman. It's not for us to know. Ringo works in mysterious ways. And hey, he's still the same old Ringo. As you've seen, he's still a staunch advocate of peace and love. He'd still like to be under the sea in an octopus' garden with you. He just doesn't want to sign any autographs while he's down there.
In related news, Casio Casanova will no longer be answering its MySpace messages. It's not that we can't be bothered to do so. We just don't get enough of them to make it worth our while to log in and check every day.