Monday, August 11, 2008

How to: Join the Secret Cabal That Is Not-So-Secretly Trying to Destroy the Local Music Scene

Posted By on Mon, Aug 11, 2008 at 7:50 AM

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Now that Be Your Own Pet have broken up and The Pink Spiders have fallen from grace, it looks like there’s going to be a couple more seats at the big kids table—now’s the time to act if you want to be a member of the clandestine cadre of fame-granting wunderkind. We all know that success is only achieved by the decree of the Skinny Jeans Skull & Bones, so I figured I’d share my tips for bootstrapping your way to the top. So spend the weekend polishing your Chuck Taylors and get your Grammy speech ready 'cuz your about to be the toast of the town!
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1. Fall out of a Famous Vagina: Seriously folks, local music and horse racing are basically the same. It’s. All. About. Breeding. And if you weren’t born into the upper echelons of awesome, you are bound for the glue factory. If it looks like you’re going to be the perpetual first runner-up in this Special Olympics we call a music scene, date somebody that fell from famous fallopian tubes, or date somebody that dated someone that worked for somebody that used to be famous. What ever it takes—these kids aren’t just handing out membership cards.
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2. Buy Tighter Pants: Everybody knows that the only way to succeed in this town is to show a little man-el toe. Scratch that. With so many bands out there right now you’ve got to show a lot of toe—you might as well just pull your cock through your Y-fronts and call it a day. And for the ladies in the audience, you might want to invest in a pair of those pants that L7 wore in John Waters' Serial Mom. Regardless of your gender, your pants should be so tight that we can see the fabric ripple as farts move through your colon. Remember, subtlety is for people that don’t want to succeed! And your sweaters are ugly—you should think about bedazzling them with some vaguely ironic saying like “Unemployed” or “My other car is a bike”.
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3. Start a Letter Writing Campaign: Everybody loves to get mail, even the secret cabal of hipsters that are secretly standing outside of every bar you play at telling people not to go to your show. Maybe they wouldn’t scare off your potential fans if you wrote them a quick missive on nice stationery. What ever you do, don’t ask to be their friend on MySpace—nothing reeks of desperation quite like a friend request from some band you've never heard of. Hell, if you’re still using the Internet in 2008, you will never get to hang with the cool kids. John Adams never used the tubes, and neither should you.
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4. Don’t Tell Them You’re in a Band: There’s nothing worse than having to listen to someone prattle on about how great their band is—if you really want to be a popular musician DON’T TELL ANYBODY. Nobody cares how many poetry books you’ve read or how many times you can play the guitar solo from “Freebird” backwards without taking a breath. If you are cool enough to hang with the Freemasons of Hip, they’ll just anoint you with their magical Potion Of Unwarranted Awesomeness and everybody will love your music. It’s a fact—just like drinking unicorn piss makes your herpes go away.
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5. Make a Wish: If you close your eyes, cross your heart and click your heals three times, Jason Moon Wilkins will magically appear and hand you the keys to city. Then Heather Byrd will walk by and take your picture—and then YOU’VE BEEN SPOTTED! On a similar note, if you say “Movement Nashville” five times into your bathroom mirror with the lights turned off on the evening of the harvest moon, Ethan Opelt’s astral presence will give you a record deal. But be careful, if you mispronounce anything the ghost of Buddy Killen will rip out your throat.
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6. Buy Them a Teddy Bear: Or a collectable keep sake box. Either way, you've got a winner.

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