Entries attributed to "UNKNOWN" were submitted without names
FIRST PLACE:Your local GOP makes the KKK look like the ACLU. Jonathan Belcher
SECOND PLACE: You drunkenly tried to order a chicken taco from an unfortunate tourist in a Winnebago. Dan McNamara
THIRD PLACE: Your minister may be a felon, but you're just happy he's not gay. Bill Mason
You think the May Town Center is proof that Nashville has officially given up on Bellevue. Ilissa Gold
The editor of your weekly alternative paper doesn't get any of the YASNI entries. Angela Guillory
You thought the Nashville Pride Festival was happening at the Bicentennial Mall. Gerri Findley
Your church's community outreach program consists of confiscating copies of the Nashville Scene. Seth Hudson
Your state legislature is straight up batshit insane. Dan McNamara
You think ordering a "shooter" in a bar has a whole new meaning. Adam Dread
You think they should take some Windex to SkyCam. Lucas Leverett
You can't tell the difference between your Steeplechase and Bonnaroo pictures. Jason Hinson
You're cool with having a black president but not quite sure about a black guy on the cover of Nfocus' Steeplechase issue. Peter Dinkel
You waited for the Music City Star at Graham Central Station. Daniel Dunn
You think the Carnival Kia family is a cult looking for recruits. James Sperring
You're working on a rhyme for "Ahmadinejad." Jimmy McCollum
You know which one is the real Melrose. John Adams
The biggest percentage of your city's 911 call center budget is spent to discourage you from using it. Unknown
The only way your band gets press is when they play with JEFF. Unknown
You thought the "tea bag" party would be at Ménages, not in front of Capitol Hill. Bret Moran
You feel like Gail Kerr and Ms. Cheap are the last two contestants on Survivor: Tennessean. Clifton Kaiser
You know the Vols had a bad year, but serving time in a Nicaraguan prison seems a bit harsh. Daniel Dunn
You wish there were an iPhone app to figure how many Xanax you can safely mix with a growler of Yazoo. Jason Hinson
You're jealous that Memphis got to do Steve Jobs' liver transplant. Lucas Leverett
You paid for your library fines with a can of corn. Michele Totty
You go to the Wildhorse Saloon to see a band whose only remaining "original member" was their roadie. Mike Bodayle
You knew God would smite Murfreesboro for rejecting Bible Park USA. Roy Moore
Your minister is on his third divorce but preaches that gay marriage is a threat to family values. Unknown
Your "dream team" for the 2012 Republican ticket is Phil Valentine and Steve Gill. Adam Mayfield
You rode the full length of the Music City Star trying to figure out which stop the audition room was at. Adam Mayfield
Your church is having an indoor fireworks display. Adam Mayfield
The Country Music Half-Marathon was the first time you puked on Demonbreun without a $100 bar tab. Ashley Weiland
You wish a dead body would be found at CMA Fest to give your music festival more street cred. Ashley Weiland
You checked your credit card statement for six months after you heard about M. Tangredi's arrest. Ashley Weiland
Your "strongly worded reprimand" to an employee who sent a racist email from your office closes with the line, "I look forward to working with you in the future." Dan McNamara
You bought your house in The Nations but sold it five years later in Historic West Town. Jason Hinson
Pith in the Wind hates you. Jason Hinson
You forgot who your mayor was. Jason Hinson
You wish Fifth/Third would make up its mind. Jimmy McCollum
You live on Nolensville Road but just drove to The Gulch to eat Mexican food. Lindsay Bergstrom
You remember when the Nashville Scene's "You Are So Nashville If..." First Prize was $250. Mark Mott
You don't understand why those Giancarlo Guerrero Nashville Symphony ads don't tell you where his Mexican restaurant is. Mike Bodayle
Vince Gill sang at your funeral. Price Justice
You hate the Kia guy and his family. Randy Smith
You hire your teachers from the sexual predator list. Robin Coltin
Your street cred is so solid even your preacher is a killer. Teresa Mitchel
You're an Area 2 snob. Unknown
MNPS left your child behind on a school bus. Wando Weaver
You had somehow hoped that Davis Nolan would be easier to look at after the digital switch. Adam Mayfield
Your local taco stand has valet parking. Barbara Lamb
You go to The Hutton just to blow-dry your hands. Beverly Levine
You think that erecting statues of two Nobel Peace Prize winners on the Capitol grounds is a bad thing. Beverly Levine
Your personal space was invaded by John McCain during the Belmont presidential debate. Jason Hinson
Your favorite swimming hole is where the Summit Tower is supposed to go. Michael Williams
Your starting quarterback sings country songs while his backup is living one. Mike Dorr
You can name all of Jon and Kate's eight kids but none of your state legislators. Adam Dread
You think that Ms. Cheap ought to tip off her readers to save $0.75 a day and read The Tennessean online. Adam Dread
Your church has formed a "Monorail Feasibility Committee." Adam Mayfield
You've been on Alli for months and can't figure why you don't yet look like a drag queen. Adam Mayfield
Your pastor and his new boy toy met through your Facebook page. Adam Mayfield
The second thing you did while watching the Presidential Debate at Belmont was to cross your fingers that nobody in the audience would ask a question with an embarrassing Southern accent. Andy Brunson
You wish the people from East Nashville realized the rest of us just don't care. Ashley Weiland
You wonder why the rock quarry on Broadway is called The Summit. Ashley Weiland
You thought Bobby Brown was a more legitimate country singer than Jessica Simpson. Dan McNamara
You started picking up the Nashville Scene again only after The New York Times Crossword Puzzle was reinstated. David G.
Your state legislature makes your Metro Council look smart and reasonable. Ilissa Gold
You're anxiously awaiting a call back from your Gummo 2 audition. Jason Hinson
Jeff Fisher throwing your walker in a trash truck motivated you to eat heart-healthy. Jason Hinson
You saved The Belcourt but will only go to the Green Hills theater to see a movie. Jason Hinson
You can't get over how cool things used to be when you didn't even like those same things back then. John Adams
You know you've eaten tacos from the Mas Tacos truck, but you just can't quite remember what they tasted like, looked like or cost you. Larry Mell Morgan
You can park at Guitar Center for your annual mammogram appointment. Lori Viar
You rely on the Tennessee legislature for the best racist humor. Mark Mott
You issued an Amber Alert to try to find your quarterback. Michael Williams
Kent Williams would give a week's pay to see you naked. Michael Williams
You forget to tithe on your iTunes royalty check. Mike Bodayle
The Tangredis owe you money and tried to sue you. Peter Dinkel
You've ALWAYS wanted to return to your bluegrass roots, especially if T-Bone Burnett is available to produce. Randy Pitts
You were surprised Teddy Bart even knew how to use Craigslist. Roy Moore
You sold your house in Green Hills because East Nashville is a better neighborhood. Unknown
You're afraid to travel outside Davidson County with your Obama bumper sticker. Unknown
You take a $25,000 Gibson guitar and smash it on the racetrack. Unknown
You wish they would at least decorate the random interstate support at White Bridge and I-40. Unknown
Your church sanctuary has Wi-Fi. Unknown
Your children's museum and your strip club have the same light show. Unknown
All of your non-magnet high schools have been polarized. Wando Weaver
You actually believed that Mae used to show her beaver professionally. Wando Weaver
You show up to a gig at FooBar with your amp in a road case. Zachary Stred
You insist on sending your child to a preschool that is LEED certified. Adam Dread
You condone paying $10 for tableside guacamole as long as it's served to you in The Gulch. Andrew Cole
You can't distinguish between Urban Outfitters' clientele and actual homeless people. Andrew Cole
Your weekday daily newspaper doubles its thickness by virtue of being in a plastic bag. Clifton Kaiser
You love the hot dogs from I Dream of Weenie, but you're reluctant to buy the T-shirt. Dan McNamara
To prove you're not just a redneck country star, you branch out and buy a winery. Darren Long
You are on one of the 400 videotapes that were filmed in Louis Levine's shed. Gini Pupo-Walker
You left the Christmas tree lot at Hillsboro High School mad but still bought a tree. Greg Jones
You used to like Phil Bredesen. Ilissa Gold
You have watched a movie, read a book and bought a condo at the Belle Meade Theater. Jason Hinson
Your son's case was dismissed because Vic Lineweaver was at the Staples in Bellevue buying an industrial shredder. Jason Hinson
Your band is being bled dry by Sonicbids $5 at a time, and there's nothing...you...can do about it. Larry Mell Morgan
Boxes and boxes of your own indie CDs form the major decorative elements in your house. Linda Titolo
Google Maps Street View caught you mowing your yard in black socks and flip-flops. Louis LaPrad
You Ms. PacMan. Mary Sack
You think Whitesnake opening up for Judas Priest is a good combination. Michael Teppenpaw
Your DNA is offended. Michael Teppenpaw
You're moving out of a condo that you can't sell into a condo that you can't buy that its builder can't finish without a loan from a bank that won't finance it. Mike Dorr
You Twitter "Hallelujah!" during a sermon. Mike Dorr
You want to see Kyle Busch try his luck with Greer Stadium's guitar. Steve Dobbrastine
You think Nicole and Keith totally stole your next band's name for their kid. Thom Abell
You know that Mr. Happy works at the White Bridge Road Target store. Unknown
You voted for Obama because he likes Wilco. Unknown
The squirrels in Centennial Park scare you more than the coyotes in your backyard. Unknown
Your business is going under because Dave got everyone debt-free. Unknown
You were defriended for a Whopper. Wando Weaver
You took bereavement leave when Dan Miller died. Unknown
You still catch yourself hoping that Dan is really just gone on a long vacation. Adam Mayfield
You tear up every night watching Demetria on the Channel 4 News without Dan. Ali Worden
You miss Dan Miller. Barrett Wallan
You think that Dan Miller is playing a round of golf with Tim Russert even as we speak. Dave Weil
You watch videotaped reruns of Channel 4 news because you loved Dan Miller. Gerri Findley
You never met Dan Miller, but you felt compelled to attend his funeral, reasoning that, had you passed first, Dan surely would have shown up for your sendoff. Unknown
GUNS & ROSÉS
You'll have the option to use your own rifle while playing Buck Hunt in the bar. Wando Weaver
You order a Jack and Coke for your Smith & Wesson. Robin Coltin
You see nothing wrong with carrying a gun into a bar but believe that having wine for sale in the grocery store would lead to more drunken accidents. Ilissa Gold
You can't carry your gun into the Capitol to thank your legislators for letting you carry your gun everyplace else. James H. Williams
You don't want wine sold in Kroger but you want to bring your .22 into Chili's. Meredith Hunter
You carry a snake to church and a gun to a bar. Peter Dinkel
Your designated driver also carries the gun. Unknown
Your favorite restaurant parking lot has more guns exchange hands than the Gun Show at the Tennessee State Fairgrounds. Aaron Gallagher
You got more fired up about the wine debate than the presidential election. Aaron Gallagher
You can finally enjoy your rolls at O'Charley's now that you can have your gun at the table. Bill Mason
Carrying a gun in a restaurant makes you a man. Clifton Kaiser
You thought it was already legal to bring a gun to the bar. Daniel Dunn
Your bar has to rename itself "Wine and Gun Locker." Dave Weil
You start practicing your quick draw with a mirror and four shots of tequila. Dave Weil
When your bartender asks you if you want a shot, you shout, "YOU want one, pal? I got a bullet with your name on it right here!" Dave Weil
Your gun has a stranger name than your drink. Dave Weil
You can't wait to bring your gun to your local bar. David Friedlander
You take your gun with you to bars but leave the cigarettes in the car. Dustin Larson
You grab your wine that you purchased online, along with your gun, and head the family down to Lake Palmer for a picnic. Gerri Findley
You quit drinking so that you can carry your gun into bars. James H. Williams
Your legislature thinks wine in the grocery store is more dangerous than guns in bars. Jonathan Wright
Your gun is more accepted at the bar than your pack of cigarettes. Joshua Pettitt
You can bring your guns into a bar, but you can't buy wine in a grocery store. Katharine Reynolds
You now carry face-slapping gloves into bars just in case you need it for a gun duel. Larry Mell Morgan
You wanna take your gun to church. Mark Mott
You carry your gun into Hooters for wings and...a soda? Michele Totty
You think it's more dangerous to sell wine in grocery stores than to allow guns in bars. Patrick Schlafer
You can bring your gun to the bar and have your buddies drink on the way there in your car, yet can't buy wine at Kroger. Paula Larson
You`re embarrassed to tell out-of-town visitors that wine and liquor aren`t available in grocery stores. Randy Smith
You didn't vote for Obama because you're Southern Baptist but got upset that "the wine in grocery stores" bill didn't make it out of the legislative committee. Scott Martindale
You voted for guns in bars and restaurants, but voted against wine sold in the grocery store. Stacy Dyall
You need a flow chart to figure out where you can legally carry your gun. Steve Johnson
You think it's trendy to wear your Western guns and holster with your boots and cowboy hat into the local bar. Steve Oakes
You've already been taking your gun into bars and restaurants. Susie Tucker
You never knew you couldn't bring a gun into a bar. Unknown
There is no cover charge, but gun permits will be checked at the door. Unknown
You think it's OK to bring a gun into a bar, but God forbid they sell wine at Kroger. Unknown
You're a bartender wishing to construct a new cocktail: a loaded gun. Wando Weaver
You'll soon be able to take guns and all types of bombs in bars. Wando Weaver
You hate John Rich more than that guy who shot a bear. Trace McAlister
You still think John Rich is a dick. Thom Abell
John Rich has made you fearful of all small men in cowboy hats. Ashley Weiland
You saved the beer bottle John Rich threw at Café Coco. Heather Ridley
You're ready to throw your support behind John Rich for governor just as soon as he kicks the sh*t out of that cowboy stalker wannabe once and for all! Adam Mayfield
You wonder why John Rich is building a three-story concrete prison on Love Circle. Ashley Weiland
You've been assaulted by John Rich or Kid Rock while you were out celebrating being laid off. Damond Jiniya
You think John Rich is the inspiration for the guns-in-bars law. Dan McNamara
You wonder if Toby Keith has been going to John Rich's sensitivity trainer. Dave Weil
You want to see a loser-leave-town tag-team match between Toby Keith/John Rich and Peter Cooper/Big Kenny with Kris Kristofferson as a special guest referee. Dave Weil
You now have a romantic view of John Rich's house. Jarrod W.
When you build your house, you decrease all the property values at Love Circle. Joe Robbertson
You offered to buy John Rich an expensive, ugly house in a different part of town. Joe Robbertson
You punched out John Rich downtown. Joshua Pettitt
John Rich told you that he's "going to kick your f***ing ass." Meredith Hunter
John Rich has beaten the crap out of you. Michael Williams
You have been stalked by John Rich or LeAnn Rimes. Missy Williams
You shake John Rich's hand, then sue him. Peter Dinkel
You've ever used John Rich's name in the same sentence as one of these words: drunk, fight, cops or jerk. Ron Harman
You see John Rich singing "Folsom Prison Blues" on Broadway in Robert's Western World, and you're hoping he won't end up singing it behind bars. Roseann Everett
You have cussed out or have been cussed out by John Rich. Seth Hudson
You'd love to see John Rich kick Tim McGraw's ass in a governor's election. Susie Tucker
You were assaulted by John Rich. Thom Abell
You go to Café Coco in hopes of spending a quiet evening with fellow progressive types, only to have a beer bottle thrown at you by John Rich. Unknown
You consider yourself a Republican and are more ashamed to be associated with John Rich than George W. Bush. Unknown
You've witnessed and/or taken part in a drunk brawl with John Rich. Unknown
You're packing heat whenever you go to the bar, the park or anywhere with John Rich. Unknown
You would strongly suggest to John Rich to STFU. Wando Weaver
You're all for May Town, just not the bridge. Adam Mayfield
You now know where Bells Bend is. Gerri Findley
Tony Giarratana is your travel agent. Unknown
You think that a second downtown is exactly what a city that can barely sustain its first downtown needs. Ilissa Gold
You are completely against the May Town Center but don't know why. Paula Larson
You know that the only way you'll ever go to May Town is if they have an Andy Griffith theme restaurant. Adam Mayfield
You thought May Town was the next musical playing at TPAC. Barrett Wallan
You don't know where the heck May Town is. Mary Sack
You bring a guitar to the May Town Center Metro Planning Commission meeting in the hopes of "being heard." Mary Sack
You have no idea what May Town is, was or will be. Unknown
You're aware that May Town and Comcast Town have similarities, chief among them: not having enough bandwidth. Wando Weaver
You tweeted something in Spanish to @ericcrafton just to get on his nerves. Andrew Cole
You were the only English First donor who actually lives here. Meredith Hunter
After English Only failed, you requested a copy of the Metro budget in Roman numerals. Daniel Dunn
You voted for "English First" but ordered Rosetta Stone off the TV ads to learn Spanish. Jerry Klein
You appreciate all he did in defeating the English Only amendment, and you feel really guilty, but you're going to have to remove Mario Ramos from your Facebook friends now. Larry Mell Morgan
You wouldn't pee on Eric Crafton to put him out if he was on fire. Lucas Leverett
You wish you lived in Eric Crafton's district so you could run against him, or at least TP his house. Lucas Leverett
You caught the swine flu at a Cinco de Mayo party at Eric Crafton's house. Michael Williams
You were disappointed that the "English First" ballot wasn't bilingual. Mike Bodayle
Eric Crafton wants to deport Giancarlo Guerrero. Unknown
You think that English Only is good, only you don't speak English that good. Unknown
Eric Crafton's life is a foreign affair. Wando Weaver
You are riding shotgun on a garbage truck.
You have an awkward interaction with Naomi Judd, a.k.a. "Big Red"—because honestly who hasn't?!
You're a singer and a Realtor. You say I figure all the time when you talk. When you take a big vacation, it's to Alabama. You've never been out of state.
You still have the gas in the three five-gallon cans you filled, after topping off your minivan, while I sat patiently waiting on fumes two cars behind last summer.
You go to a metal show and there's only five ex-mental patients with Glocks in attendance.
You're a victim of a drive-by while sitting on your front porch listening to Sugarland.
You'd like to teabag Eric Crafton with a burrito.
You pack heat while you are Twittering.
You pretend to talk on your cell phone to your producer while having turkey meat sliced at Whole Foods.
You drive an SUV. (Nashville was voted the most anti-green city because there are more SUVs per capita than any other city in the U.S.A.!!!)
You play catch with a remote control football.
Toto your recording here! We're not in Kansas anymore, but they may be here for the party.
Worked for Big, but did not get Rich. I worked for Big Kenny, but did not get Rich or John Rich. That is OK, and I am having fun guys.
You are worried that Michael Jackson will be buried next to Andrew Jackson. We would have a traffic jam bigger than any one caused by construction or a wreck.
You have to have an affair with the Village Jewelers floor manager to see if his accent is real.
The dude you hooked up with last night works at Batter'd and Fried.
You can't tell if that one sweaty, skinny, bearded dude from Monday Night Dance Party is really a good dancer or not...or if he might kill you.
The dude you just made out with has an "arrangement" with his girlfriend.
You DID NOT buy that Big Mac after reading the nutrition label now required on fast food! Yeah right!!
You believe that "spooky" GOP email picture is actually the Geico money stack hiding "bipartisan view."
You believe Will and Pat Cook from Holiday World are...dorky!!!!
You hope that Vic Lineweaver is your bitch in prison, so you can make him have a Brazilian mustache wax.
You hope that if "bad things really do come in threes," the third Nashville media person we lose this year will be Phil Williams or Brad Schrade.
Metro legal fucked up your "opinion" too.
You won't be surprised when the legislature tries to name a state highway after a colleague who was arrested after leaving a bar drunk, hitting a deer, but not quite killing it, so he shot it, texted a picture of it to his friends, took it home, and ate it after saying "grace" in English.
You don't discuss the "Meaning of Life" with others, hell, you still haven't figured out the meaning of a double yellow line.
You came home from Bonnaroo a single parent.
You penned a country song with Billy Lawson about your backup's citywide manhunt.
You've always wanted to motorboat Dolly Parton...or is that just me?
Your cat escapes from your house and he gets euthanized because your neighbor called animal control and didn't tell you in time to save him.
You think Garth's caught-in-high-beams picture at the Bluebird would "work" if they'd put Dolly's high-beams picture back up.
Your commanding officer was spotted unleashing his black pot of gold at the end of her rainbow.
You think that Vince Young is a titty baby.
You, Reba and 50 thousand others received "swirlies" in the big toilet bowl.
You've created the anagram "anal rods in" to describe the severe weather forecasts of all of Nashville's head meterologists (Dan, Lisa, Ron).
You and your wife are alumni of MBA and Harpeth Hall alumna respectively, thus you collectively know that your child will attend MBA, but be a graduate of Brown.
What an utterly disgusting product. Anyone who buys it should be ostracized. This is embarrassing…
Utter nonsense. There are throngs of people in Nashville who thank God or a reasonable…
@Angry White Patriot!: "Mr. Ramsey would destroy this buffoon in a debate! All you East…
@Jim Collins: If you have one of them hi-tech boxes that show movin' pichers, turn…
I don't believe I have ever heard an e-mail, but I am not so tech…