We’ve culled and considered, sorted and guffawed, rolled our eyes and nearly choked on our cherry Cokes.
And now, Nashville, the results are in. For the 19th straight year, you have told us what kind of city this is. A city where English is the native tongue, not that you can always recognize it. A city where strip clubs and churches rub shoulders and whatnot, and you can find ’em both if you turn left at Shoney’s. A city where the yellow light means go, and the red light means go faster.
And how do we know this? Because for the 19th straight year, you took the time to complete this sentence: “You are so Nashville if….”
There were some 1,300 entries to our 19th Annual You Are So Nashville If… contest. For nearly four hours, the Scene’s Committee of Insiders painstakingly considered each entry, counted votes, tittered and howled, mocked and ridiculed. Many of them now lie on the cutting-room floor, deservedly. But we also got no small number of genius one-liners—utter gems that inspired us to chortle, snigger and belly laugh like children. When the smoke cleared, most of us agreed this may be the best batch of YASNIs in years. Sharper. Meaner. Funnier.
As always, we considered the entries blindly, judging without fear or favor, and only saw the contributors’ names once the winners were decided. For your reading pleasure, we have grouped the entries into several categories: winners, honorable mentions and those that got sufficient votes to appear in the paper. We also ran across a fair share of what we call Weirdies—entries that are notable for no other reason than they make no sense at all.
Finally, maybe it’s the war or the rising price of gas, but we also noticed that many YASNI contributors were in a dark mood this year. They tried to find gallows humor in subjects that are simply too grim for mirth-making—sometimes getting howls of laughter, sometimes only stunned silence. But you know what? Even that is so Nashville.
And now, the winners:
You saw Kenny Chesney in a Kroger reading Out & About.
You accuse Al Gore of hypocrisy for exhaling carbon dioxide. —James H. Williams
You’re bummed out by the fact that you won’t be able to smoke at your workplace, which sucks because you’re a topless dancer with a serious meth habit. —Dave Weil
And the rest...
You’ve loyally gone to Steeplechase for the last 25 years and have never watched a horse race. —Adam Dread
Pacman Jones has spit on you. —Alex Daugherty
You’ve mispronounced both Sommet and Schermerhorn, but know exactly how to pronounce Demonbreun and Kalodimos. —Alex Daugherty
You think Paris Hilton deserves to go to jail, but Pacman Jones was unfairly punished. —Alex Daugherty
You want all the illegals deported just as soon as they finish building your new home. —Brian Keen
You ask to get comped to a charity concert. —Charles Alexander
You want English as the official language of Metro but you can’t spell statute. —Charles Alexander
What you’re sayin’ ain’t hittin’ on nothin’ for Sen. Ford. —Chris Dauphin
You were amazed that someone could actually give your arena a worse name than Gaylord. —Chris Hudson
You saw that Ted Nugent was booked at the Ryman and wondered just what the hell that place is supposed to be the Mother Church of now. —Chris Hudson
You’ve been purged from Buddytown. —Christy Frink
You get your financial advice from Dave Ramsey, your political advice from Phil Valentine, and your legal advice from Adam Dread. —Clifton Kaiser
You can no longer wear a tube top to court. —Clifton Kaiser
You’ve had to call the police about Ophelia Ford. —Clifton Kaiser
All you did was walk by the Sommet Center recently, and David Poile tried to trade you. —Clifton Kaiser
You love going to dance parties but love trashing them on Nashville Cream even more. —Courtney Wilder
You miss the days when crazy shouting guy was known as happy walking guy. —Dan McNamara
You’re an overpriced, speculative, cutting-edge, under-construction, high-rise condominium project. —Dan McNamara
Your church has pyrotechnics. —Dan McNamara
You want to use the state surplus to send GooGoo clusters to Iraq. —Dave Weil
You’re glad that the Signature Tower is shaped like a penis instead of an unusual sexual device like the Bat Building. —Dave Weil
You’re arrested for trying to bomb the NES mosque on Church Street. —Dave Weil
Emmylou Harris made you adopt a rescue puppy just to sing on your next album. —Dave Weil
You hear one state trooper tell another, “Bang ’em, Danno.” —Dave Weil
You wonder why West Nashville is south of East Nashville. —Dave Weil
You think this year’s cold snap was a liberal plot. —Dave Weil
Your neighbor tells you he “Jewed ’em down” to get a good deal. —David Friedlander
You wear a Medic Alert bracelet that says, “Don’t take me to General!” —Dusty Brown
You are concerned about a shoplifter running for councilman at large yet you send donations to evangelists who commit adultery and embezzle money. —Elaine Hackerman
You know more members of the band, than members of the audience. —Fred Ramos
You’ve considered spending your vacation at Dental Bliss. —G. Teeple
You remember when your choices were a Boner or a Hooker. —Gary Wayne Davis
You remember when you could just say something, and no one would write a song about it. —Gary Wayne Davis
You watch reruns of Metro Council meetings...whenever you run out of Valium. —Glenn Halliday
You’re totally offended at the mention of a holiday tree because it undermines Christianity, but you think that building a theme park around the New Testament is a great idea. —Hallie Stem
You think Mary Winkler should go free but you want the teachers at Scales Elementary executed without trial. —Hallie Stem
You’re upset that the Predators may leave town, yet you’ve never purchased a ticket. —Harold Hornberger
You blame Barry Gibb for Johnny Cash’s house burning down. —Harold Hornberger
You worry about where Poison was going to play now that Starwood is closed. —Heather Hicks
You live in Music City, yet have to drive to Manchester to see a decent summer concert. —Ilissa Gold