Illustrations by Dan Brawner

Towns you’ve never heard of are going to be hit by a tornado at 6:51, 6:53 and 7:01 p.m.

—Rick Hagey, 1st Place Winner

You drive on the country’s best highways to drop your kids off at the country’s worst schools.

—Matt O’Mansky, Honorable Mention

You thought that CMT’s Flameworthy Awards were part of Nashville Pride Week.

—Preach Rutherford, Honorable Mention

Your thermal plant goes thermal.

—Joe Scutella, Honorable Mention

You think Perry March killed Stringbean. —Barry McKochiner

You thought Thrillopolis was going to be a swingers’ club. —Edward Ditterline

Your girlfriend adores Ms. Cheap until you propose to her at Johnny Rockets with a plastic spider ring. —Keith Alberstadt

You lose your own state in a presidential election. —Bryan Hartman

You don’t think anyone can read Jim Cooper’s lips. —Del Tinsley

Your director of schools is disliked more than the Ravens. —Brent High

You think speed humps are quickies. —Edward Ditterline

Your art gallery only displays paintings of flowers, puppies and fruit. —Jimmie Daniel

Your congressman is the son of one former governor who gives up his seat to run for the U.S. Senate with the help of his brother the judge, his aunt the former state senator and his cousin the TRA director, while the son of another former governor who once served in the U.S. House of Representatives with your congressman as a congressman from the neighboring district, and who once ran for the same U.S. Senate seat that your congressman is now seeking, is now running to fill the seat vacated by your congressman! —Jason Holleman

Your idea of staying fit is to eat at Calypso Cafe. —John Owens

You put the “vice” in vice mayor. —Gillian Brassil

None of your local video stores carry the movie Nashville. —Rick Hagey

Your most effective strategy to save money while Christmas shopping is using the “Ronnie Steine Discount” at Target. —Beth Downey

You came this close to applying for the Vandy women’s basketball job. —Phil Newman

You think Van Hilleary is Bill Clinton’s new rock band. —Bryan Hartman

You think Van Hilleary refers to Mrs. Clinton’s personal transportation service. —Phil Newman

Your favorite bar makes you feel like you’re not in Nashville. —Austin Ray

They finally invent a time machine, and you go into the future and are amazed to see historical organizations fighting to preserve all those beautiful old brick Walgreen buildings. —William Carter

You want big city attractions in downtown, but you complain about paying $5 to park your car. —John Owens

The only time you visit the country music attractions is when your relatives are visiting. —Carey Haslam

You think that P.F. Chang’s is authentic Chinese food. —Yvonne Smith

You paid $10 to shop at Barbara Mandrell’s moving sale. —Anita Pearson

You think Gov. Don Sundquist is a Republican. —Chris Williams

Krispy Kreme is your all-event caterer of choice. —Michael Laderoute

You wish the Scene would woo Brad Schmitt from The Tennessean, and then fire him. —Chris Williams

You want to dress Sharon Puckett. Why should Demetria get all the French Shoppe clothes? —M. McIntosh

You like sushi—the fried kind. —April Dace

Kroger is your favorite sushi bar. —Bryan Hartman

You think The Importance of Being Earnest is the latest Jim Varney film. —Cynthia J. Safdie

You know Bill Covington got voted “wittiest” in high school. —Janelle Biter

You take reading material to Vanderbilt football games. —Kevin Warren

You shouted “Free Bird!” during the London Symphony Orchestra. —Dale P. Rehn

You actually drive to your friendly neighborhood grocery store that’s located just around the corner. —M. Drennan

You live in Green Hills and commute to Maryland Farms, drive to Natchez Trace to ride your bike and shop at CoolSprings Galleria, and you think something really ought to be done about all this “sprawl” —Michael Parsons

When you see a Truth fish on a car, you can identify what species it is. —Gillian Brassil

A Channel 4 reporter and cameraman burglarized your home. —Michele Chaffin

You live in Hendersonville and look down on Brentwood for being “new money.” —Rick Hagey

Your church’s headquarters is within walking distance of the world’s largest porno store. — Rick Hagey

You think the Metro public bus system is below you. —John Owens

You think a Sundquist is some kind of orange. —Edward Ditterline

You think Virago is the women’s version of Viagra. —Michele Chaffin

You think Mary Hance should try her hand at balancing the state budget. —Allison Lott

You think the folks living the high life in Williamson County ought to pay a toll every time they drive into Davidson. —Allison Lott

Your investment portfolio is evenly split between NASCAR and Titans “collectibles.” —Will Gunn

Your trash (plant) is combustible. —John Jana

You can apply for a business license and pick up a sixpack in one stop. —Rick Hagey

You use a pitch corrector on your phone. —Robert Saunders

You care more about the treatment of the animals at the animal shelter than the homeless at the homeless shelter. —Robert Saunders

You think “traffic calming” violates your constitutional rights. —Leonard Assante

You know at least three people in your DUI class. —Barry McKochiner

You will search as long as it takes to find a close parking place to work out at the Green Hills YMCA. —Billie Dickson

You’re torn between flying your UT or USA flags this fall. —Robert Saunders

Kid Rock is your favorite country artist. —John Danley

You’re No. 31,532 in the songwriting rankings. —Jay Collins

You wonder if you owe Bud Adams any money for the naming rights to your kids. —Greg Denton

You feel Steve Gill may be an ass but, you tell me, who’s better at hosting the CMA Awards? —Al Wyntor

A neighbor insists that Don Aaron was the original Opie. —Al Wyntor

You’ll protest the income tax, but pay $140 a month for cable. —Katherine Coble

You took it pretty hard when your oldest boy told you he had tickets for the Flameworthy Awards. —Al Wyntor

You think Pedro Garcia is a third baseman for the Nashville Sounds. —Marc Jenkins

That Grateful Dead guy is your school superintendent. —Brian Moore

You get your weather forecast from a hand puppet. —Bryan Hartman

You’ve entertained a secret plan to use your recycling cart to keep the firewood dry. —Al Wyntor

You are willing to come in for a cesarean section at midnight to win the title of Thursday’s Baby. —Anne Wise

You’ve been ticketed by the Belle Meade police for pulling your kids in a bike trailer. —Ray Wagner

You’ve loaned your Kroger Plus card to the person behind you in line. —Michele Chaffin

You were published in last year’s contest and people at your church were confused because they thought the Scene was some homosexual paper. —Joseph C. Estes Jr.

You constantly hear people in Bellevue call the Sri Ganesha Temple “that Hindu church” on Old Hickory Boulevard. —Joseph C. Estes Jr.

You want your country to be more traditional and your bluegrass to be more progressive. —Michael Robertson

You find that you can’t park at the Park Cafe, you can’t see the sun at the Sunset Grill, there’s not a Ph.D. to be found at Princeton’s, and, ironically, you got the crabs from your server at The Crab House. —Dave Weil

Your minister or your vice mayor has ever been caught stealing. —Maeve McConville

You may not have a saint on your dashboard, but you’ve had a preacher in your glove box. —Joe Scutella

You’re not quite country and not quite rock, making you pretty much a crock. —Joe Scutella

You put a “proud to be an American” decal on your German car. —Joe Scutella

Your daddy’s rich, but you still break into a house and get yourself shot. —Rick Hagey

You think SHeDAISY is one of the seven signs of the apocalypse. —Joe Scutella

You wear your fur coat when you go shopping at Wild Oats. —KC and Micky Jones

Your dreams of stardom have given way to a couple pitchers of Bud Light and a good evening of karaoke. —Whit Mumbley

You still don’t believe your sheriff is a woman. —Austin Ray

You keep up with local politics by listening to your police scanner. —Steven Putnam

You can’t remember the new name of your bank. —Greg Shelton

You apparently couldn’t find a shirt to wear to night court. —Joe Scutella

You use $100 worth of water to grow $4 worth of tomatoes. —Paula Rich

You know that Jesse Ventura is the governor of Minnesota, but you’re not quite sure who the governor of Tennessee is. —John Owens

You want Channel 4 to combine “Eat, Drink and Be Wary” with Fear Factor. —Philip Marlowe

The lunch buffet at the Déjà Vu is your idea of dinner theater. —Robert Saunders

You really think that the Adelphia Coliseum will not have another corporate name on it. —Chris Williams

You cut your hair with a Flowbee like Dan Miller does. —Carl Meier

You go to one Kroger to check your blood pressure, and then you go to another Kroger a mile away for a second opinion. —Jon Wike

Jimmy Naifeh called you a “lowlife.” —Chris Williams

You bragged that you knew people who knew actress Reese Witherspoon when she was at Harpeth Hall. —Christopher Bryan

You take design tips from the “before” rooms on Trading Spaces. —Terry Robertson

You think mAmbu is a new type of dance. —Michele Chaffin

You thought Thrillopolis was Demetria’s maiden name. —Al Wyntor

You look both ways before going on a green light. —Mimi Manzler

You design the freeway system only after you’ve had a couple hits of acid. —Bryan Hartman

You have ever wondered whether Bar-B-Cutie and Katie K are related. —Kurt Brobeck

You remember when Bart Durham’s hair was gray. —B. Douglas

Your parents grew up on a farm, you grew up in the suburbs and you want your kids to grow up in downtown. —Michael Parsons

You don’t give a damn what Turko would do if he still lived in Nashville. —Terry Robertson

You think road construction barrels are Tennessee’s new state flower. —Adrienne Bell

You never heard a word about it when John F. Lawhon’s Furniture really did go out of business. —Craig Stevens

You spend a million dollars on a bridge to nowhere. —Jack Dedert

You wonder why The City Paper delivers 30 copies daily to your two-person business. —Chris Chamberlain

You would have gladly given Ronnie Steine one of your Frank Wycheck football cards. —Marc Jenkins

You’re thankful for Mississippi and West Virginia when public schools are ranked. —Rick Hagey

You’re lost, broke, and frustrated and commiserate at Bobby’s Idle Hour—as if that’s gonna help. —John Danley

You’ve wrecked your car by driving into a publishing company on Music Row. —John Danley

Your kids come home from Sunday school class with crafts made from CDs and CD holders. —Rebecca Gaillot

Your county clerk has a better stocked bar than any place on Second Avenue. —Rick Hagey

Your lease for your giant apartment complex has a clause that states “musical instruments and singing cannot be done at a high volume after 8 p.m.” —Rebecca Gaillot

You won’t vote for a state lottery, but you will buy raffle tickets at the church picnic. —Bryan Hartman

You think state rankings are like golf—the lowest score wins! —Tim Leffel

You travel to Afghanistan and knowingly break the law, then expect the U.S. government to risk lives to save you. —Rick Hagey

You thought the paved shoulders alongside the roads were sidewalks. —Steve Saunders

You live within a 30-mile radius of Nolensville Road but choose to eat at SATCO. —David Williams

You keep getting invited to your neighbor’s church even though you told them you’re Jewish. —David Friedlander

On Sept. 11, you removed your car’s rebel flag and replaced it with a “United We Stand” magnet. —Dale P. Rehn

You said a prayer of thanks when Memphis (and not us) landed the Mike Tyson melee. —Phil Newman

You’ve owed your bookie money for over a year but still go out drinking with him. —Stephen Johnson

Your newscast reports live from the scene of, well, nothing. —Bryan Hartman

You think the needle exchange is a sewing club. —Mark(us) Goldman

You inquire about reward money at CMT’s Most Wanted. —Chris Warner

Your neighborhood Wal-Mart has a writers’ night. —Jimmy Stratton

You refer to Hooters as the “poor man’s Bound’ry,” and vice versa. —Adam Jnadeau

You’re still waiting on the Metro chipper truck to come down your street and clear away tree limbs from the tornado of four years ago. —Joseph C. Estes Jr.

You never take the top copy of the Scene. —Adam Jnadeau

You sometimes wonder if The Fabricator is a modern day Nostradamus. —Ricky Tackett

You screamed “Rock ’n’ Roll!” after you saw the fire accident at Dancin’ in the District. —Masa

You went to the Service Merchandise liquidation sale to buy an engagement ring. —Michele Chaffin

You give the middle finger in traffic with a “WWJD” bumper sticker on your car. —Bruce Langsdon

You attend commission meetings to get the Ten Commandments posted in the schools, although none of your children can read. —Rick Hagey

You missed seeing Cake at Dancin’ in the District, but still had one hell of a show watching the thermal plant burn. —Dale P. Rehn

You think Starbucks is overpriced, but shell out $8 for a sandwich at Bread & Company. —Beth Hardcastle

You think it’s normal to see autographed pictures of stars displayed in the local post office. —Lisa Kinakin

Last year’s contest had you looking up the meaning of “jingoist.” —Michele Chaffin

You wonder why Ms. Cheap is always eating at The Palm. —Jeff Jaymont

You’d sorta miss the Sounds if they left, but you’d REALLY miss the $1 beers on Thirsty Thursdays. —Chris Chamberlain

You’ve been “deemed nonessential.”

—Greg Denton

Your mother only calls you when she’s trying to score some tickets. —Mark Burgess

You call your bedroom Thrillopolis. —Neal Cope

You voted Mapco Best Cappuccino in the Best of Nashville contest. —Quentin Bradley & Maria Gaitani

You have an artist rendition of the Music City Miracle in your living room. —Maria Gaitani & Quentin Bradley

You get 12 CDs for a penny from Columbia House and sell them to the Great Escape. —Susan Houston

You have more grocery store discount tags on your keychain than you have keys. —Keith Alberstadt

A day at the waterpark consists of letting the kids play in the fountains at the Bicentennial Mall. —Greg Shelton

Your city’s major newspaper pays someone to report on the WWF. —Keith Alberstadt

You’re single and your biological clock ticks to the point when you just have to rent a billboard on a major interstate. —Keith Alberstadt

You’ve ever been told to “lose the boombox” at a Church of Christ picnic. —Al Wyntor

Your dog rides in a pet kennel strapped into the seat, while your kids ride in the back of an open pickup truck. —Rick Hagey

You wonder why the First Center for the Visual Arts was misspelled on the front of the building. —Dave Weil

You’ve had either a fantasy or a nightmare about sitting in Section 303 during a hockey game. —Ron Harman

You think it’s just a little too convenient that Channel 4’s James Lewis and Arte Johnson have never been photographed together. —Michael Robertson

You’ve never actually been to any of the places you tell all your out-of-town friends about. —Michael Robertson

You are not sure who Darwin was, but you know that the Truth fish ate him.

—Brian Moore

There’s a tip jar in your dentist’s office. —Michael Laderoute

You’re complaining about the idea to close down some of the streets in Centennial Park for pedestrians. — John Owens

You get dirty looks from your pastor because you are reading Walter Jowers in church and laughing out loud during the sermon.

—Edward Ditterline

You never knew who Adelphia was anyway. —Maeve McConville

You’re a school principal playing musical chairs. —Del Tinsley

You have ever fallen into the band on your way to the bathroom at The Sutler. —Melissa Brock

You thought Vagina Monologues would be a good place to pick up chicks. —Arthur Reed

You think BFI is an investigative branch of the state government. —Ray Collier

You think Rivergate looked nicer when it was a field. —Rick Hagey

You don’t sign a COUNTRY singer to a COUNTRY recording deal on a COUNTRY record label because he’s too COUNTRY. —Bryan Hartman

You’re flummoxed by the fact that this is Music City and yet Channel 4’s “Working For You” vocalist is painfully off key. —Mia Adams

You’re for putting the Ten Commandments in public buildings, but you couldn’t recite five of them to save your life. —Louis Hints

You circle the health club parking lot five times with a “Radnor Lake: preserving nature” license plate on your Lincoln Navigator. —Bruce Langsdon

You start singing “It Don’t Worry Me” at the Acropolis. —Rick Hagey

Your computer’s spell-check program accepts “Ole” as the correct spelling. —Rebecca Gaillot

Your kids’ school added portables to make them feel at home. —Austin Ray

You didn’t realize you would end up right back where you started. —Sarah Beland