You are so Nashville if...
you never meant to stay here this long.
Robert Jetton, First Place
About the Winner
Robert Jetton moved to Nashville from Ft. Worth, Texas. He and his band, Panther City, arrived in town on Aug. 16, 1977the day Elvis Presley died.
“Heck, I only meant to stay here a year,” Jetton says. “Of course, I fell in love with Nashville. Man, I love this town.”
Jetton’s band began getting gigs, a lot of which involved backing up Marshall Chapman. Eight years ago, Jetton married a Nashville native. They bought a nice old house on Central Avenue, where, he says, “I can honestly say I love my neighbors.”
The 39-year-old Jetton describes himself as a “freelance artist and songwriter/musicianlike a million others here in town.” He says he’s seen several different Nashville migratory cycles. “For a while, it was all Texans coming here, now it’s all Californians and New Yorkers. Once they get here, they don’t leave.”
For his first-place entry, Jetton receives $250 in cash.
...you look at the pictures of the Gay Pride Parade to see if you know anybody.
John Baskett, Second Place
...you’re wondering when Byron Trauger is up for re-election.
Randy Johnson, Third Place
From Left: Jody Faison, entrepreneur and eatery-empire builder, owner of Faison's, Iguana, 12th and Porter, Cafe 123, and now all by himself Jules. (Will we have to start calling it Jody's?) Mrs. Rotier Her first name is Evelyn, but who would dare use it? By the time you reach the cash register at Rotier's, Mrs. R. has already split up the tab. She doesn't even have to ask questions, she already knows. Mary Carrethers At Mary's the hickory smoke billows forth, filling the air with temptation. The pork barbeque is piled high on standard-issue white bread. This is how Wonder Bread got its name. Paula Ropp We got to know her at Mack's; then she moved on to Rotier's. Now Paula's taking orders and giving them at Pancake Pantry, where she's already as much of a fixture as the legendary Joyce. Hey, guy, you call this a tip? Randy Rathburn His Sunset Grill stays open long after sunset a daring move in Nashville but Randy certainly isn't suffering. At his tables, deals are made and hearts are broken. But it's in his back room that all the best fundraisers begin. Photographed by Tim Campbell in the parking lot at Mary's Pit Bar-B-Q on Jefferson Street.
...you’re excited to see Turko’s face on a milk carton, but you’re upset when you find out he’s not missing.
...none of your friends want your backstage passes to Fan Fair.
...you vote for Bill Boner.
...the man who wallpapered your office wrote a song that’s on The Beatles’ Live From the BBC album.
...you go to a society party and meet Goober.
...you only vote in an election with a pro sports referendum.
...you think using a turn signal drains too much power from your car battery.
...your women friends confide that they’ve screened potential boyfriends by asking them if they’ve been to Talledega.
...you yield right of way to a pedestrian and expect to be thanked.
...you’re grateful that Becker’s now takes checks.
Laurie S. Hilbert
From left: Tony Brown, MCA mogul, well-dressed man, best possible connection to Vince. Elise Loehr, former sommelier (sommelieuse?), Rique client, best possible connection to Tony Brown. Chuck Bader, our man in vodka, king of Absolut, party source (does anyone here remember Jack Daniels?). Elizabeth Scokin, former Arkansan, ubiquitous photographee, source of envy. Mario Ferrari, friend of Bud Adams, yachtsman, and we almost forgot restauranteur. Slick Lawson, photographer, jambalaya meister, sometimes royalist. Anne and Teddy Clayton, scions of the party bloodline (her from the Sperry's Thomases, him from the fox-trotting Claytons), costume renters, but, goodness knows, never the last to leave. Photographed by Slick Lawson.
...you’ve redecorated your trailer so you can rent it out as a bed & breakfast during the Olympics.
...you think you are out really late because the traffic lights are blinking yellow.
...you can name seven of the original 100 Oaks stores.
...you dread Adam.
...you think Brad Schmitt is a gifted journalist.
...you’d actually consider Bill Boner again.
...you think that’s Bud Adams’ natural hair.
...you never had sinus problems until you moved here from another state.
...you confess to your husband that you’re having an affair and
he wants to know if Mr. Kates is catering.
Drue Smith Sunglasses for all seasons. Cherry-red hair for Valentine's Day. Somehow, subtlety is not quite the right word. Friend of Ned. Available for your next PR firm open house. On Capitol Hill, she's a fixture. Laugh if you must, but don't be decieved. This is the Power Clown. Photographed by Helen Burrus on Whitland Avenue.
...you believe that Jesus turned the water into grape juice.
M. Duncan Currey
...you grew up in Davidson County but you now live in Williamson.
...you think the Gerst Haus should be declared a historical site so it won’t be demolished for the new stadium.
...you hope the Baptists boycott Opryland so the lines won’t be so damn long.
...you can use the word “demo” as a verb.
...you write your best song lyrics on the back of detox unit brochures.
M. Duncan Currey
...you know the plural of “y’all”: “All y’all.”
...your local bookstore has a better collection than your main library.
...you’re nice to everyone, even if they are going to hell.
From left: A.J. Levy Suit and tie sort of guy. Haberdasher supreme. You do want cuffs on these, don't you? Katy K. Kicky, but still country. Kitty Wells on a Really Strange Hair Day. You don't know people who dress like this? Don't worry. They probably don't know you. Najib Tammy needs to have a few things taken in. No problem. Can this be ready in time for the Swan? No problem. You mean someone else already bought one for the ASCAP party? Well, I do think I've seen these bugles before. Manuel New-age nudie. He knows that a little beadwork in just the right places can make even Marty Stuart look tall. Still rockin' in his own right. Calvin Klein he is not. Photographed by Eric England.
...you know where BR5-49’s name comes from.
...you have an arena with no hockey team and a football team with no stadium.
Mary Ann Liden
...you don’t read the Nashville Scene because you think it’s a gay and lesbian publication.
...you take the cellular to churchwith the ringer on.
...you worry more about the fate of the Gerst Haus than you do about that thing over in Bosnia.
...you call in your own name to Catherine Darnell’s “Restaurant Rounds.”
...you did not vote “yes” for the stadium because you “don’t want Nashville to change,” but you’re going to vote for Bill Boner for because you believe he’s a changed man.
...Mayor Bredesen provided tax money for you to move here.
...Tanya Tucker’s husband cuts your lawn.
From left: Alyne Massey There was a time when she helped write the Banner's society column, but she's moved on. Now she belongs to Suzy, where her name turns up in boldface. It also turns up at the Vanderbilt Law Library, where it's carved in stone. Clare Armistead Don't let the wide eyes fool you. This woman is not just here to party. She is here to raise bucks. Big bucks. But she also knows the facts of life: You have to give if you want to recieve. Jane Dudley Local girl makes good very good. Out of Parmer School and on to the American Embassy in Copenhagen. Back in town, she starts the Swan Ball. Cheekwood is grateful. So is Nashville Tent and Awning. Lil Granberry Keeping the list also means keeping the gate. Even at a party of 800, Lil knows, there's not room for everybody. Unfortunately, no in-town guests. Herbert Fox Nfocus editor and available man. When Princess Margaret came to town, Herbert got the call. Of course, he was available, and once again a table was squared. Boy-girl, boy-girl, boy-girl. It makes for a busy life. Photographed by Dee Davis at Belle Meade Country Club.
...your stylist lists hair colors as “Reba,” “Shania,” and “Faith.”
...you only know where you are in ’05 or ’15.
...you park in a lot where there used to be a historic building.
...you secretly listen to country music.
C. Dean Hughes
...you’ve played chicken with the General Jackson Riverboat.
...you keep a gun in your golf bag and a seven-iron in your gun rack.
...you’ve attended first offenders’ traffic school more than once.
...you’ve ever even seen World News Extra.
...a clerk at Kroger tells you that you can find lox in the hardware aisle.
...you think Trilogy restaurant must be a meat and two.
...you’re just discovering bagels.
...your best pick-up line is, “Hey, wanna get together and write?”
...you voted for Olive Garden as Best Italian Restaurant.
...you can’t believe you have to pay for parking downtown.
...you put a Christmas wreath on the front of your Land Rover at holiday time.
...you’re wondering if the Bicentennial Mall has a Gap.
...you think macaroni and cheese is a vegetable.
...you put a “God is my co-pilot” bumper sticker on your car instead of learning to drive.
Alex & Kathryn Gorodetzky
...you’ll wait in line for two hours to eat a plate of pancakes.
...Snow Bird decides when you go Krogering.
...your child’s school looks like a trailer park.
...you wear your high school ring instead of your college ring.
...you stand up after every performance, even if it wasn’t very good.
...you pull over to the side of the road and stop for a funeral procession, but not for an ambulance.
...you have offspring named Garth or Shania.
...last year, you weren’t Nashville enough.
...you live in Belle Meade, have a net worth of $20 million, and constantly complain that $4.25 an hour is too much to pay the maid.
... you’re confused by the ongoing struggle to keep the Nashville Zoo out of Nashville.
Todd L. Lester
...you took up smoking cigars because Adam Dread says it’s cool.
...Buster (at Jimmy Kelly’s), Mrs. Rotier (at Rotier’s), and Paula (at Pancake Pantry) all know you by first name.
...you’ve never actually been to East Nashville, but you just know it’s dangerous.
... you still don’t get the H.I.V. lane joke (winner of the 1994 “You Are So Nashville If... contest).
Alex & Kathryn Gorodetzky
...upon hearing news that Krystal was going into bankruptcy, you bought 500 Krystals to put in the freezer.
...the bouncer at Robert’s Western Wear knows you personally.
...you go out for a home-cooked meal.
...you can’t find a place to park at Cummins Station.
...the primary ingredient of the bird nest in your backyard is discarded audio tape.
...you think it’s normal for women to have names like “Peaches” and “Honey.”
Alex & Kathryn Gorodetzky
...you wish Kay West would move back to New York.
...your favorite ethnic food and barbecue places are all in Green Hills.
...your divorce settlement includes your Iroquois box seats.
...you own at least one outfit that glitters.
...you will ONLY buy a house if it’s been inspected by Walter Jowers.
...you claim to love eating sushi but only order California rolls.
...you can’t pull change out of your pocket without sorting through the guitar picks.
...you think the folks who line up at Fan Fair are idiots, but you waited in line for eight hours to catch a glimpse of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
...you have ever had your hair dyed red by Riqué.
...you miss Les Jamison.
...you’re planning to chain yourself to the doors of the Gerst Haus when the bulldozers come.
...you’re certain that, if Kathie Lee Gifford had stayed a Hee Haw Honey, she wouldn’t be in this mess right now.
...you go to a brew pub and order a Bud Light.
Laurence M. Ralston
...your society-magazine editor used to write for Hee-Haw.
... your children’s address changes during the school year.
Alex & Kathryn Gorodetzky
...you don’t find it odd to find Paul Harvey on an FM “Cutting Edge of Rock” station.
you consider Belle Meade Boulevard a tourist attraction to
show out-of-town guests.
...you and your wife keep turning the milk carton during breakfast because neither of you wants Turko on your side.
...the longest sections in your Yellow Pages are “Churches” and “Escort Services.”
...you think BR5-49 plays all originals.
...you first registered to vote while in a sports bar.
Kathy Wood Robbins
...your children’s first names are someone else’s last names.
....your church has a loading dock.
Jo David & Melissa Keith
...you think Drue Smith and Sen. Doug Henry would make a cute couple.
... you have no problem with living in a city where 21st Avenue intersects with 31st Avenue.
...your “historic district” has your city’s newest buildings and businesses.
...you don’t exactly know where Antioch is.
...when asked “Who does your hair?” you reply “The front or the back?”
...you smell like Brown’s Diner.
Dan H. Brawner
...you think that the “crack” problem among berry pickers could be solved with properly fitted trousers and suspenders.
...sometime or another in your life, you’ve called Blair Boulevard home.
...you still get Christmas cards from Fate Thomas.
...you cried when your daughter went away to collegeand it was Vanderbilt.
...your preacher thinks the Teddy Bart/Karlen Evins photo is too risqué for a family newspaper.
...in a drunken stupor, you go up to Johny Jackson and ask him how Tito and Jermaine are doing.
...you placed a new Bill Boner bumper sticker over your old one.
Paul & Susie Carmichael
...you know somebody who knows somebody.
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