Why it doesn't make sense to impress a 3-month-old with your socializing skills
by Lindsay Ferrier
I started feeling the parenting pressure even before my daughter was born."So which preschools are you looking at?" a friend asked at a party after commenting on the size of my pregnant belly.
"Preschools?" I said, confused. "Well, I'm working from home, so we don't need daycare."
"Daycare?!" she snorted. "You've got to sign up for that the same day those two little lines show up on the First Response stick. Honey, I'm talking about preschool. I mean, you don't want your kid to end up at the Happy Handz Wee School back behind Wendy's, now do you? Because that's the only place that'll have an opening if you don't get your name on some wait lists."
After that embarrassing experience, I vowed to never again get behind the curve on making the most of my future daughter's formative years. According to the talk I heard from other parents and on television, her entire future hinged on whether I made sure she could read, speak Italian, write in cursive and snow ski before she started kindergarten. Preschool became a major concern, but in order to be prepared for her educational debut, my fetus needed to start forming important social alliances as soon as possible. It was time to find a playgroup, STAT.
That's how I ended up seated on the floor of a woman's home not too long afterward, my 3-month-old daughter propped up in my lap. She couldn't talk yet or eat solid foods. She couldn't even sit up on her own, nor could any of the children in the laps of the moms around me. Yet the air of quiet satisfaction among us was palpable. While other babies were lying around, chewing on toys and staring at the ceiling, we were giving our children a jumpstart on socialization skills. Watch out, Ivy League!
My belief in the importance of playgroup was so strong that I persisted in attending even after I ended up on the outs with the group for refusing to make a purchase when one of our meetings turned into a surprise Pampered Chef party. (In my defense, how many onion slicers does one person need?) Despite the vow of silence most of the other moms seemed to have taken against me, I resolutely continued bringing in my daughter each week, anxiously waiting for her to stop drooling and form some emotional bonds with her peers, dammit.
Eventually, that group disbanded — or at least pretended to, so I would keep my Pampered Chef-hating self away — and I formed my own. For the next three years, I hosted a two-hour play session in my playroom every Tuesday. In the name of early socialization, I killed myself cleaning the house. I made coffee. I baked breakfast treats. I filled tiny sippy cups with juice. I did it all knowing that I was making a difference in my tiny daughter's life. I dearly hoped that she'd one day recall her playgroup as the first step in a meteoric rise to fame that would culminate in a Nobel Prize, an Oscar, or a daytime talk show. But at the very least, the knowledge that she'd have her playgroup years as proof of how much I loved her was enough for me.
And so I wasn't even slightly prepared when, a year and a half after our final playgroup curtain call, Punky asked me a strange question. "Mommy," she said, "who is Emma?"
"Emma was in your playgroup," I told her.
"My what?"
"Your playgroup," I said. "You know, when you and all your friends used to get together up in the playroom. You played with them every week until you were 4. Remember?" "No," she said.
"You remember Emma," I said.
"Well, I don't remember what she looks like," Punky said.
"What about Ava?" I asked, frowning. "Nope," Punky said.
"Stevie?" "No."
"Sally and Jake?" "Uh-uh."
"You seriously don't remember your playgroup," I said.
"I don't."
Just like that, all my hard work went right down the drain. There would be no playgroup accolades in my future. But if I felt any devastation about it, it was tempered by relief. After a bout with mommy burnout, I'm employing a very different strategy with Punky's 2-year-old brother, a strategy known simply as ...
Absolutely nothing.
This time around, I think I'll save the bulk of my energy for a time when my kid will actually remember me using it.
Read more Suburban Turmoil at www.suburbanturmoil.com.
Comments (20)
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Hilarious! I was killing myself cultivating social skills (the ones I did not possess myself!) in my kids too. My children cannot recognize a single one of their early childhood "friends" and I have finally blocked out the rejection of all the mothers. Now I can finally pick my own friends and I have stopped cleaning my house before play-dates. http://www.life360.com/blog/author/cathy/
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AMEN, I learned when Number 3 and Number 4 came along that most of what I did for Number 1 and Number 2 was overkill. "Nothing" creates a lot less stress, costs a lot less money and actually allows some enjoyment or everyone! It does remain difficult to convince first time or overachiever types of this, though.
LOL for 2 reasons: #1, I am part of a playgroup, and one of our meetings, I did indeed have a Pampered Chef party! : ) #2 - I find myself thinking your last line a lot with my 18 month old. Usually I thought it more when he was really little, as in, why the heck would I take a 6 month old to the zoo when he doesn't even know the difference between the view from his swing and the view from his high chair? www.shelfrenewal.com
What a relief! I've enjoyed the playgroup chronicles at Suburban Turmoil as I've started searching for one for my 11-month-old....nothing quite fits my personality as well as the "stay at home most of the time and occasionally visit a friend" group.... http://beyondthefried.blogspot.com
(Chuckling) Oh...you just made me feel so much better! Having "just one", as people call it, I get constant pressure to make sure he's "socialized". It's exhausting! And the pampered chef/craptastic jewelry/gourmet seasonings parties are SO OLD! http://bullinachinashopmom.blogspot.com/
I agree--I spent hours trying to make things 'really special' for my kids when they were preschoolers and they hardly remember. My husband is a big fan of home videos for that reason. He's constantly telling our kids, "We did this, that or the other--we have proof on video!" www.admafrica.blogspot.com
Thank God! This isn't my first rodeo, but I've been beating myself up about not having my 1 1/2 yr old twins in SOME sort of group, they've got each other...right? I think I'll wait, THANK YOU! http://www.3xx1xy.com
yesterday i happened to overhear my daughter counting in spanish at the same time as the other mom at our playdate. i quickly reassured her that the best way i can teach my kids is to do absolutely nothing. i had no idea she could count in spanish...she got that one somehow on her own. that is the best lesson i have learned for all three. myattkids.blogspot.com
Awesome article. I too went through this, and learned quickly that playgroups are much more for the moms than the kids. If you're not hanging out with people whose company you enjoy, what's the point? Heck, throw in a glass of wine and let the gossip begin! Your precious munchkin won't know the difference, as long as there's something to chew and something to look at - they haven't figured out the delicacies of interpersonal relationships yet! http://imfindingmyweigh.blogspot.com
Awesome article. I too went through this, and learned quickly that playgroups are much more for the moms than the kids. If you're not hanging out with people whose company you enjoy, what's the point? Heck, throw in a glass of wine and let the gossip begin! Your precious munchkin won't know the difference, as long as there's something to chew and something to look at - they haven't figured out the delicacies of interpersonal relationships yet! http://imfindingmyweigh.blogspot.com
I'm really glad you wrote this because I've been quietly freaking out that my husband (stay at home dad) doesn't take our daughter anywhere for socialization! I've read you're blog for several years and noticed all the things you did with Punky and thought we had to do "something" but she's 20mo old and still having fun poking at dirt and sticks. Just glad to see you've employed a different perspective with Bruiser, I don't feel quite so much like I'm missing the boat on play groups! http://sprocketswife.blogspot.com/
Play dates are definitely essential, but at that age far more so for Mom's sanity than for the development of Baby's social skills. I know I desperately need to connect with other women who have little ones, whether the babes need a planned get-together or not. shawna-mygirls.blogspot.com
I think having a playgroup every week is a lifesaver...for me! My kids don't really remember their playgroup days, but I know I will always look back fondly on this season of my life when every Tuesday morning I gathered with some of my mom friends to eat baked goods, drink coffee, and talk. The fact that my kids get to fill up on goldfish crackers while playing with other preschoolers is just the excuse I use for meeting! http://mangotango328.blogspot.com/
I'm really lucky to have found a close knit group of friends. Hopefully all the kids will grow up together, so they'll always know each other, but who knows. I try not to stress about super socialization, especially since my son has seemingly inherited his father's anti-social tendencies. http://www.failuretonap.com
I did this exact thing with my first born! My daughter attended every class under the sun and even went to the pricey and exclusive preschool last year. It wasn't until this year, when I realized that pricey/exclusive elementary school connected to the preschool repeats the entire last year in the first three months, that I have changed my ways. We now have down time, say no to some playdates and birthday parties, and dropped activities that were more for me than her. Her little brother is so much luckier. He gets me all to himself in our quest to do nothing also. (Our biggest days include Target runs.) I don't think our family has been happier, more settled, or had more free time than we do now. It's great! You're an awesome mom and you know what? So am I!
I will say that Punky remembers EVERYTHING from when she was four. Four was the magic year and I'm glad I packed it with activities, because I don't get to see much of her now that she's in kindergarten. I'm hoping to do the same thing with Bruiser. Until then, we'll keep it to one major activity a week for him. He's lucky because he plays with friends three days a week due to my work and activities, so I don't have to worry so much about his "socialization."
So I'll echo the sentiments that play dates at that really young age are more for the moms. I do have my 2 year old in a daycare three mornings a week for the social aspect. Before this age, it was more so she'd be used to someone else watching her and being away from mommy sometimes so that the times I needed to be away from her, she wouldn't be so freaked out. But now at two, she's got to learn things like sharing and playing with others (since she doesn't have a sibling) and while she may not remember it, I'm hoping it will set the ground work for some social skills.
thanks for this! I am hurting over recent comments by my 21 year old. I gave her the Camry I was driving when she turned 16 (she was telling her boyfriend about the piece of sh** car she had) I could not leave work when she got into trouble at school (I was the manager at a small company, the only one with keys and authority)and she told me how horrible it was for her to sit there, and I didn't love her enough to come (again in front of a friend of hers) How much I wish I did not have to work, and could have been there for her everyday, weather she needed me or not. . You did a great thing that was not remembered, I hope you never do a good thing that your child remembers as a bad experience for them. oh, and that Camry? My new car was recently totaled, I am now unemployed, since my insurance paid off the car loan, I am putting that piece of car back on the road. It was not good enough for her, but I will be happy to drive it.
While you daughter may not remember her play group friends, they were important in that they helped her learn to socialize and be well adjusted! Just think where she would be now with out them! (um that was half way sarcastic) Luckily I am a working mom so my daughter is in daycare and I dont have to decide if play groups are worth it! www.brookeblogsthis.blogspot.com
I have never agreed with anyone more!!!!! I did the exact same thing with my oldest daughter(now 11)....no memory of any of the kids from those play groups!!!! I vowed never to do that we my youngest daughter(now 8 and happens to be the one of the most like girls in her class, probably due to the lack of pressure she had as an infant and toddler).
