Why do some in-laws treat their sons' wives like outlaws?
by Lindsay Ferrier
Jennifer and Angelina. Betty and Veronica. Krystle and Alexis. Whether real or imagined, catfights have sold countless magazines, inspired movies, and made runaway hits out of more than one TV series. But I've recently become convinced that America's most vicious female rivalries aren't happening in Hollywood — instead, they're taking place in your own town. Your own neighborhood. Possibly even in your own home. I'm talking about the age-old grudge match between a married woman and her mother-in-law.I've never had a problem with my own mother-in-law. (The fact that she lives in California severely limits interference, intentional or otherwise.) But I learned about the constant tension between many MILs and their sons' wives the hard way, after writing on my blog a tongue-in-cheek letter to my own future daughter-in-law.
"There's one thing you should always, always remember if you and I are to have a successful relationship," I wrote. "He loved me first."
I thought it was hilarious. Some of my readers begged to differ.
"I wish for Bruiser a healthy future relationship where his wife comes first and foremost in his life," one wrote, "and that you have healthy boundaries with letting Bruiser go."
"To me, it's written under the guise of being funny," sniped another, "but it's one of those things where the part of you that actually really means this, deep down, is shining straight through the facade of trying to make it sound funny."
That was all well and good except for the fact that Bruiser wasn't 26 and engaged — he was 2. And I'm pretty sure that once he hits puberty, I'll have far less trouble getting used to the idea of letting go. I suspect I'll even embrace it.
Wondering whether these women were projecting their own mother-in-law drama on me, I asked them to email me their stories of MIL woe — and that's when the floodgates opened. Scores of women sent me their horror stories, each worse than the last.
Katie wrote about her future mother-in-law's reaction to the news of her engagement. "His mother started talking about how it was just too bad that my [future] husband had a fiancée, because he really should've been (and I quote) 'sleeping with as many women as he could, because after all he's going to be a doctor and he really should settle down with the trophy wife he deserves.' She then went on to accuse me of only dating and planning to marry him for his money. You know, the $200,000 in student debt IS sexy. after all."
Julie kept it short and sweet. "My MIL once asked me if I had an STD," she wrote. "Need I say more about that one?"
Samantha's visiting MIL decided her daughter-in-law's hostess skills weren't quite up to par. Maybe it was because Samantha had given birth only the day before. "After our first sleepless night with our first baby," she lamented, "my MIL decided she wasn't getting breakfast fast enough and actually had the nerve to say to us, 'Umm, are we going to have breakfast or what? I'm getting hungry'!!!!"
Melissa's MIL story came in the form of a short play.
Me: Hello?
MIL: I'm sorry to call you at work, are you busy?
Me: No, it's okay. What's up?
MIL: Well, I went to the doctor today and I didn't get very good news.
Me: Oh no, what's wrong?
MIL: My vagina is falling out.
Stephanie's email contained a helpful guide on what not to do if you're a brand-new MIL. "Throw a huge tantrum right before the bride and groom leave for their honeymoon," she wrote. "Cry and wail until they agree to stay and 'talk things out' with you until 1 in the morning."
Christina still grimly recalls the time her mother-in-law came to visit them while they were living in a rented house containing rented furniture. "Mother-In-Law had decided that our furniture looked worn and grungy. So she had surprised us!" she wrote. "She spent the entire day RECOVERING our sofa and love seat. In huge MAUVE AND SEA FOAM green floral print! And making curtains! And throw pillows! And she had run out of the hideous mauve and sea foam green fabric halfway through covering the sofa, so she had pieced it together with an attractive coordinating PLAID! Surprise!!"
But Kelly's story had to be the worst of the lot. It took place at the end of her in-laws' first visit. "Before they left, she gave us a box with strict instructions not to open it until they had gone," she recounted. "In the box was 2+ years worth of unpaid bills, late notices and notices from collection agencies. My fabulous in-laws had been using my husband's SSN to get credit in his name since he left for the Army at age 18 ... and they never paid for any of it! We began our marriage broke and with threats of being taken to court and my husband's career in jeopardy!"
I've learned from these stories to count my blessings. Apparently, a good mother-in-law is hard to find. And I suspect the same is true of daughters-in-law. Will there be a follow-up column here, containing stories of daughters-in-law from hell? Only time — and my inbox — will tell.
Read more Suburban Turmoil at www.suburbanturmoil.com.
Comments (18)
Showing 1-18 of 18
Wow, these are some amazing, horrible stories. They make me feel pretty lucky! Oh, and also, my mother in law sometimes reads this column! http://jacoblawrencenewman.blogspot.com/
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My mother in law introduced me to her friends as "my son's friend". We were engaged. She also took him to a lawyer after we were married 11 years so he could file for divorce. We've been married 23 years and we're "best friends" and laugh about that old stuff!
Oh, my Lord. These stories make me insanely happy that my mother-in-law is absolutely wonderful. Although, my brother-in-law's wife probably wouldn't say the same, but she's crazy anyway. Thanks for the blessings check, Lindsay! http://literarilyspeaking1.blogspot.com
My jaw hit the floor with Kelly's story, that's horrible!!! I'm glad I have an awesome MIL! http://sprocketswife.blogspot.com/
Wow. I am so glad that I am not "blessed" with one of those Mother in Laws from the stories. My mother in law is very sweet and lives in Arizona. It would be nice to have baby sitters occasionally though! craftycanine.blogspot.com
Oh, how sad! The worse my MIL did was for years chide us for being late to come over to her house. Not that we had some scheduled event - just that we weren't there exactly when she expected us. Finally, after some discussions about us doing the best we could with two small kids, they got better. And they did start building in a little buffer time for us when they really wanted us to be there at a certain time. motherreader.com
Oh my GRAVY--that last one was the worst! I can't even imagine that. I'm so, so, so, so, so, so thankful for my nice, normal mother-in-law! www.revandthemissus.blogspot.com
Oh my gosh! Kelly's story is just sad! My MIL isn't that bad at all! Makes me count my blessings! Thanks for sharing the worst of the worst! http://www.creativekristi.com
i have always been thankful for my wonderful mother-in-law. now i feel like i have about 20 more reasons to feel extra thankful. thanks for the examples of what NOT to do! myattkids.blogspot.com
Hilarious! One of those MIL stories happens to be mine. But (thank you, Lindsey!) NOT the one with my name on it. Fast forward twenty-four years from my MIL issues: We now have a 20 yr old son. And that couldn't be more TERRIFYING! He could actually get married any time he chose to do so. And he won't agree to let US pick out the girl we want him to date. What's up with that?? He dumps all of the sweet, adorable young college girls that we fall in love with...and he dates a grown 26 year old WOMAN that we can't stand. There should be laws. Just saying. Now that we realize the mistake we've made in letting the oldest pick his own friends...we've decided not to let our 12 year old twins date...ever. We'll just find them each an appropriate young lady when we feel it's time for them to settle down. www.significantsource.blogspot.com
I loved the story with the new mom. Although I have a wonderful MIL, I have def. heard stories of them being this bad. Thanks for the laugh! BTW, we are moving back to Nash soon, so I am super excited to hear some of the great places to take kids! www.stuartandann.blogspot.com
Oh good gosh- these MILs are awful! Thanks for the laugh and the reminder that I really ought to get up and bake those Super Bowl cupcakes I'm making today- after all, I am watching the game with my PFMIL (potential future mother in law!) - Becky "That Wasn't In the Script" thatwasntinthescript.blogspot.com
Hilarious! I'm not married but my boyfriend's (of 3 yrs) mom is wonderful! I have heard many friend's horror stories - one of the current best - a friend's MIL didn't like the China my friend picked out - so she re-registered the couple for new china that she liked (it was AWFUL) and then distributed the "new registry" to her side of the family and all their friends... -Brittany Bspeight.blogspot.com
Its not just the mothers, its the sisters too. My sister has caused problems for every girl i have ever dated, causing an early end to all of my relationships.
What funny stories! The story you wrote about Brusier was great, I love your humor! My poor husband has put up with his fair share of MIL stuff, he could write a book! Thankfully he's still hanging in there:)
I am a daughter, daughter in law, mother and mother in law. It is only after you are all of the above can you fully understand the emotions involved in each role. As a daughter my mother mistook her interference as her just continuing being my mother..she looked at it as caring. In fact it was difficult on my husband but he was great about it. As a daughter in law..I was lucky. My mother in law was great and there to help if needed but she never interfered in our lives. When my daughter got married, I became a mother in law. I combined the techniques of my mother in law and mother to try to be the best mother/mother in law I could. One son in law loved me, the other son in law no one could get along with. It was rough. My oldest daughter has a wonderful husband but her mother in law is a monster. There are no other words for it. She just won't let go of her son and has even called me to get my daughter to "conform" to what she wants. She wanted me to insist on my daughter and son in law name the baby a name she had picked out. My response: I don't care what they name the baby, it is not my baby, it's theirs. That was not good enough. She tried different tactics and in the end attacked my daughter while she was pregnant, yelling, screaming and threatening her physically. She has put a strain on their marriage. My point is this..you can wear all the hats: daughter, mother, daughter in law and mother in law but you can do it in a way that gives love and support. You just have to understand your role. The key is respect and knowing your boundaries. You have done the best job you can as a mom so let your child live their lives. Be there to listen but give advice carefully. The best thing to do is listen and keep your opinions to yourself. As a daughter, don't tell your mother things that will cause her to harbor bad feelings against your spouse. No matter how old you are, your mother will want to protect you. This is just one daughter, daughter in law, mother and mother in laws advice.
