When in Brome
How to tell if you're knee-deep in 'bromance'
by Adam Gold and D. Patrick Rodgers @dpatrickrodgers
For those of you unfamiliar with the Judd Apatow oeuvre, let's consult Urban Dictionary for the definition of bromance: "the complicated love and affection shared by two straight males." You know, this whole bromance thing is predicated on the fact that "bro" rhymes with "ro," and we don't think it's quite fair. Women are the ones who call one another "girlfriend." We don't call our dude-buddies "boyfriend." Still, bromantic relationships very much exist, and thanks to the strict gender roles forced upon us by Western society, it might be difficult for the average bro to admit he's become embroiled in a heated bromance. To help you do away with your denial, we've compiled a list of possible indicators — "broments," if you will — to help you confront the fact that you are, by definition, in a bromance. Take heed.
Your relationship was steadfastly devoid of physical affection ... until [insert favorite sports team] made it to the playoffs.
You're constantly having to re-evaluate your definition of what constitutes a threesome.
(Assuming you and your bro of choice are roommates): You've combined your finances, but only to keep track of who owes whom regarding monthly bills (and weed).
(Assuming you and your bro of choice work together): The only thing keeping your nearby co-workers from going on an office rampage is not knowing which of you to shoot first.
The only person you're comfortable making light of office shootings in front of is your bro.
Neither of you can remember which one hooked up with [insert girl's name], but you both tell the "tail tale" as if it's your own. Wait a minute ... it is.
Jokes about romantic interaction with one another's mothers have completely decimated your ability to offend each other.
Your most dramatic squabbles arise when one of you realizes the other likes the wrong Velvet Underground record the most. (Authors' note: The great Loaded v. Velvet Underground & Nico debate of '07, '08 and '09 led to yearly fortnight-long estrangements.)
You strictly adhere to your "No Exchanging of Bodily Fluids" rule, with the exception of [insert favorite marijuana intake device]. You know a couple of roustabouts gotta roast a bone!
When co-authoring an alt-weekly article with your bro, sidetracks/impertinent Google searches include: Bill Engvall v. Jeff Foxworthy, Morrissey, WTF + ROFLcopter, Gold's mom, suicide pact, NORML, Horsehead Nebula + images, John McCain + green screen, Patrick's mom, elephant pwned, Della Reese's pieces, paraphernalia + possession + Tennessee, how to write for an alt-weekly.
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