When Dubya was hyping the Iraq War, some pundits suggested that the fight might be a tad personal for this president. ("After all," said 43 of Saddam Hussein, "this is the guy who tried to kill my dad.") "So," said the godless liberals, in a transparent attempt to kill two birds with one stone, "we should just let Bush and Saddam fight it out, mano a mano." But little did those pinkos know that in 2002, our brave commander-in-chief ordered Secretary of Cantankerousness Donald Rumsfeld to spend many months secretly training to fight Hussein in hand-to-hand combat. Saddam, meanwhile, has passed his days in American captivity perfecting a distinctly dictatorial paper-rock-scissors technique.
In the intervening months, the fighters practiced their moves: Rummy at press conferences, Saddam at war-crimes tribunals. (Although, frankly, we think the Don deserves his very own war crimes indictmenty'know, for a scrimmage.) Today, Late Edition is proud to bring you the full catalogue of the two fighters' maneuvers. The strategies are intricate and unique. The dictator uses dialogue and a deputy; the Don uses coffee and cameras. If indeed there's ever a final showdown, who will win? You decide.