Wake up hubs — it's time to make the baby
by Lindsay Ferrier
You have to wonder what makes couples decide to have a baby. Do they simply get tired of those peaceful weekends? Sick of sleeping eight straight hours without interruption? Bored with spur-of-the-moment getaways and romantic dinners at expensive restaurants? Whatever the reason, millions of married men and women decide at some point to replace their champagne flutes with sippy cups, their passion with pacifiers, all in search of that fierce and unconditional love that is said to exist between a parent and child.
Six years ago, as a newly married wife and stepmom, I decided a baby was all that stood between me and Utter Bliss. It wasn't difficult to convince Hubs to get on board with my new project — in fact, he went after it with the all the determination of an Olympic hopeful. Yet even a gold medalist can only give so much. Within a few days, we were both exhausted and unusually crabby. Egos were nursed along with minor cuts and scratches. A pregnancy test at the end of the month confirmed the pathetic news: Team USA's top babymakers hadn't even bronzed.
Feeling betrayed by my own body, I searched for solace on the Internet. There I found the tormented accounts of thousands of women who'd tried for months and even years to make babies, to no avail. They poured out their angst on message boards and I quickly realized my own plaintive tale, tentatively titled "Five Days of Action, No Baby Satisfaction," would look like child's play sandwiched in between stories of $10,000 fertility treatments and low sperm counts. I skulked out of their online clubhouse, searching instead for a little baby making advice.
According to Dr. Google, I had three options. The first was to write down the condition of my cervical mucus each day and note its changes. I realized with horror that the resulting document potentially would be more embarrassing than the discovery of my secret diary. In fact, I could already see the writing on the public bathroom wall: "For stretchy cervical mucus, call 555-3897!"
Option two was even more horrifying. With two clean fingers, I was instructed to feel my cervix once a day. But the warnings about possible infection using this method made me envision a humiliating discussion with my gynecologist. "Well, you see doctor, I was searching for my cervix and apparently, I had a hangnail ... maybe a slightly ... dirty ... hangnail." My final option was to take my temperature each morning with a special thermometer and then chart it on a graph. On ovulation day, my temperature would dip a few tenths of a degree, signaling that it was the day to knock boots. Eagerly, I set up my chart online so that other mommy wannabes could track my progress and I could keep an eye on theirs. Soon, I was locked in an obsessive charting competition with countless other baby making hopefuls around the globe. Who would win the positive pregnancy test? Would it be Giselle from France? Suki from Japan? Jo Nell from Mississippi? Surely not! I hadn't come this far for nothing. My husband, noting the maniacal gleam in my eye as I scribbled down my temperature each morning promptly at 7, cowered beneath the sheets, praying he'd survive "O" day intact.
And suddenly, it was upon us. Detecting a definite temperature plunge, I turned to Hubs, who knew by the strange combination of my gritted teeth and come-hither smile that it was go time. Resolutely, we did the deed and I'm embarrassed to admit that as soon as he left the room, I actually attempted a headstand on the bed that ended prematurely when I lost my balance and strained my neck. No matter. We had done our best. We had given it our all. More than once.
Afterward, all I could do was wait until that fateful day two and a half weeks later, when Hubs headed to the grocery for a pregnancy test. I carefully followed the test's instructions, then watched the tiny plastic window in disbelief as two lines slowly appeared. "Oh my god," I said. "I can't believe I'm preg.....ners." We laughed like two dazed hyenas. The training had been tough, but worth it. We'd won.
Late that night, I held my own private winner's ceremony, posting a positive pregnancy test symbol at the end of my online chart while picturing the Giselles, Sukis and Jo Nells stamping their feet in frustration. With the benevolent smile of a medalist, I ignored the churning of my stomach and laid my head on my arm, watching the computer screen blur before my half-closed eyes. In just nine months, there would be poopy diapers, I thought sleepily. There would be spit-up. And there would be a demanding little creature in my arms, a child I'd waited my whole life to love.
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Comments (44)
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Hubby and I have been trying for several years to have children (the last pregnancy didn't take unfortunately) so I understand where you're coming from. Doctors don't know why we lost the pregnancy and all tests of modern medicine say we should be able to have children but all the temperature taking, charting and cervix measuring have still resulted in a goose egg (FYI 6 weeks of yoga ensures the ability to lift your body up on to your shoulders without neck injury;). At this point my husband and I have started talking about IVF vs adoption and have started proceedings for domestic adoption of a young sibling group. For the women out there who take for granted the fact they can get pregnant at the drop of a hat, take a moment to realize how lucky you actually are and give your kids an extra squeeze:) Btw, I'm loving the Olympic analogies:) Miranda J. Reflections of a Culinarychiq http://culinarychiqconcepts.blogspot.com/
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Kudos for having the courage to write about cervical mucus! This is a sweet little piece. :-)
Hubby and I have been trying for several years to have children (the last pregnancy didn't take unfortunately) so I understand where you're coming from. Doctors don't know why we lost the pregnancy and all tests of modern medicine say we should be able to have children but all the temperature taking, charting and cervix measuring have still resulted in a goose egg (FYI 6 weeks of yoga ensures the ability to lift your body up on to your shoulders without neck injury;). At this point my husband and I have started talking about IVF vs adoption and have started proceedings for domestic adoption of a young sibling group. For the women out there who take for granted the fact they can get pregnant at the drop of a hat, take a moment to realize how lucky you actually are and give your kids an extra squeeze:) Btw, I'm loving the Olympic analogies:) Miranda J. Reflections of a Culinarychiq http://culinarychiqconcepts.blogspot.com/
Normally, I'd be all about your humor, Lindsay, but I can't get behind this one. I'm not offended, but it's just hard for me to laugh at this given my current situation. Consider yourself very, VERY lucky it only took you two months (If that's what I gather from this) to conceive. We lost our first pregnancy back in September to an ectopic, and we're on our third month of trying again with no luck. I would've killed to only have to have tried twice. I suspect you're in for a tidal wave of criticism on this one. It's such a touchy subject. I think it's the last paragraph that did it for me. There's no stamping of feet that comes with a negative pregnancy test after months of trying. Just lots and lots and lots of tears. http://literarilyspeaking1.blogspot.com
My husband was freaked out by the charting at frst too. He thought I was crazy. But now after a year and a half he's over it. But I'm still a loser in the baby-making olympics. http://nothinginteresting42.blogspot.com/ Here is my blog, but don't feel you have to go, it's really not that fasinating.
I read your articles and posts on a regualr basis and normally love them and their sense of humor. I also know that you are always very considerate and compassionate person. This post doesn't seem to have your normal amount of love and compassion. I was blessed, like you, with no problems conceiving but think that you are minimizing the pain and heartbreak felt by couples that spend years trying to make a family. Please be more sensitive.
we had to try for a couple months to have our first. i remember the panic, worrying we'd have to go to extreme measures. now we are expecting #4--who knew the next three would come along without even trying?
Lindsay, babe, I've been a long time reader of your Suburban Turmoil blog. I know that I don't show the comment love as often as I should but you know I love you, right? Good, cause I've gotta say that article? Not gonna make my list of Top 10 Fave articles written by you. I know your style and that you do a great job of finding the humor in life. This one, well, it misses. For those who are truly desperate we, I mean, they don't think "ew, gross" for mucus and cervix checking. Instead we find the chart or app that will allow us to chart all three indicators. If you are finally lucky enough to succeed in scoring Gold you put a copy of the chart in your kids' baby book. The Olympic games analogy is very timely but really doesn't work for the subject of TTC. There is no contest (at least not among strangers). We support each other and try desperately to be happy when another couple graduates from TTC to pregnant. And I gotta agree with Michelle that it was probably the last paragraph that threw me over. During the combined 6 years I spent trying to conceive I never once stomped my feet. Tears? Plenty. But no foot stomping. Not every piece can be a winner and I know you'll have future articles that will have me ROTFLOL.
Your inablility to step outside your little world and see things through other people's eyes astounds me. You felt "betrayed by your own body" after not conceiving the first month? How do you think millions of women feel after trying for YEARS? And still not conceiving? I get the feeling you are trying to potray yourself as "oh I had it tough, believe me!!" but I don't think you have a clue how lucky you actually are. I think if you did you would have a little more compassion in your writing. You are just on a different.....planet than most of the rest of us. You don't get it.
OMG! I remember thinking the same thing about cervical mucous! I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome shortly before we even started trying to get pregnant...so I approached getting pregnant like someone who was starving and on a mission for food. I used the tables and the temperatures...I used the ovulation kits, like EVERY DAY! I conceived in the first month. I think my husband would have killed me if I had kept at it like that! T http://bullinachinashopmom.blogspot.com/
"coordinating-d-day-was-a-snap-compared-to-mobilizing-operation-pregnancy" Please don't tell me you just wrote this. Your whole two months of trying to get pregnant was harder than dday? Holy moly, woman. Some sensitivity training may be in order here. Not being able to conceive is possibly one of life's most heartbreaking situations to be in. For you to minimize other women's attempts, month after month and year after year is leaving me shaking my head in wonderment at how you don't realize how cruel this article is. Women who cannot conceive easily have no issue with doing the tests you turn your nose up at. In fact, women who cannot conceive easily would eat canned dog food for a year if it gave them a slight possiblity of conceiving. There is so much hopelessness, heartache, hearbreak and sadness that comes when you can't do what so many other women seem to do effortlessly. I can see you smirking at your computer reveling in the fact that you got pregnant in two months and picturing the other women "stomping their feet". No, Lindsay, they were probably not "stomping their feet". They were probably trying not to cry and convince themselves to try again next month.
I understand why people are a little touchy about Lindsay's article. I know a lot of people who have had fertility problems, and I've seen from them the emotional toll that it takes. That said, it really frustrates me that people can't be happy for somebody who doesn't much trouble conceiving. There were worries that I would have trouble conceiving due to some underlying conditions I have. I was even going to a fertility clinic to get checked out. And then I conceived on my own. And you know what? The fertility clinic people DID NOT even act happy for me that I didn't have to go through the treatments. They practically pushed me out the door. I couldn't believe it. And people who had had trouble conceiving threw fits when they found out I was pregnant! And it was really hurtful. The horrible, painful, stressful experiences I have had in my life, I wouldn't wish on anyone. In fact I hope and pray that others didn't have to go through them. And I am thankful that my friends and family don't have to go through them. Why can't people say "I'm so happy for you Lindsay that you didn't have the trouble that I had". It's not Lindsay's fault that it worked out for her.
I understand why people are a little touchy about Lindsay's article. I know a lot of people who have had fertility problems, and I've seen from them the emotional toll that it takes. That said, it really frustrates me that people can't be happy for somebody who doesn't much trouble conceiving. There were worries that I would have trouble conceiving due to some underlying conditions I have. I was even going to a fertility clinic to get checked out. And then I conceived on my own. And you know what? The fertility clinic people DID NOT even act happy for me that I didn't have to go through the treatments. They practically pushed me out the door. I couldn't believe it. And people who had had trouble conceiving threw fits when they found out I was pregnant! And it was really hurtful. The horrible, painful, stressful experiences I have had in my life, I wouldn't wish on anyone. In fact I hope and pray that others didn't have to go through them. And I am thankful that my friends and family don't have to go through them. Why can't people say "I'm so happy for you Lindsay that you didn't have the trouble that I had". It's not Lindsay's fault that it worked out for her.
Heh. Looks like Lindsay manages to insult WW2 vets and ttc couples at the same time. Way to go, Lindsay!
OMFG - it took you TWO WHOLE MONTHS to conceive??? You poor thing, you must have been in the depths of despair.
Man or man!! Ya'll won that title pretty quick! Hubs and I had so much practice, and more marathon's I would care to admit, that I thought the fun of baby-making would soon be over. Twenty-six months later it was. With a positive pregnancy test! www.hishersandours05.com
Gotta say I'm with those who are fans but who don't really like this article. I commented over at Suburban Turmoil too, but here it is again... The criticism is NOT about people not being happy for Lindsay and the happy ending here. It's about the lack of compassion or acknowledgement for those who's tales are MUCH longer and not so happy. There is much humor to be found in the crazy things we women do to get a baby. This just could've been handled with more sensitivity.
Mine was the last comment...forgot to add where to visit me: www.JourneysAndDetours.com
I was going to leave a comment on Surburban Turmoil but she has banned me from making comments. Guess you can't disagree with Lindsay, huh?
CC you wrote: Why can't people say "I'm so happy for you Lindsay that you didn't have the trouble that I had". It's not Lindsay's fault that it worked out for her. Quite simply, because even though she has read the heartbreak of stories of women out there, she still has the audacity, the heartlessness, the self-absorption to crow about, "picturing the Giselles, Sukis and Jo Nells stamping their feet in frustration" Quite frankly, she is being shown far, far more kindness and mercy than she shows others. By the way, I am totally with you on the idea that one person's pain doesn't give her the right to trounce on others. I've seen those women be really mean, acting as if their pain gives them license to care about no one else. The thing with Lindsay is, she doesn't even have the excuse of heartbreak. I can at least understand the woman who is self-absorbed due to her own grief and heartbreak. I don't excuse it, but can at least understand it. What's Lindsay's excuse? And Lindsay, for you directly - I've only been reading you a few months and have gone through a few archives. In that short time, though, I've read multiple instances of you being hurtful to others. You often try to pass it off as the reader not getting you, but really, at what point are you going to accept that you *hurt* people? At what point are you going to accept that your writing needs work, because you do get misunderstood? That the problem is in your writing, not in others' reading? Or if you are just trying to be mean and stir up controvery and page views, then just have the guts to say that's what you are doing.
Lindsey, I enjoy your blog and find you funny most of the time. However, this one didn't get it for me. While I had no trouble conceiving my 3 kids, I have friends who have been trying for YEARS, and it has wrecked havoc on their marriages. It's time to show a little more compassion for others. Before you write another article, ask yourself if you are being humble. If you can't say yes, perhaps a change in the tone of your writing might be in order. www.yankeeeyes.blogspot.com
I know where people are coming from in feeling this was off target but I loved your take on this. It was good writing and made me smile. Good job!
My heart goes out to anyone struggling to conceive. But I think one problem with the reaction to this column is that of perspective. When I first started trying to have a baby I was 36 and I had never been pregnant before. It also took me (and my then fiancee, now husband) about 3 months. Even though that doesn't seem at all long in retrospect, it was a very stressful and emotional time when it was happening. I also found an amazing book, called Taking Charge of Your Fertility, which is where anyone who has been trying for 6 months should turn to. Many of us spend many years of our adult lives trying NOT to get pregnant. Trying to get pregnant can be an odd and alienating experience...sometimes...even when it works. http://jacoblawrencenewman.blogspot.com/
I don't usually comment on things. But this so happens to be my 31st cycle of trying to get pregnant. Now, over the past 2.5 years, I've gone through various stages of depression and grief during which reading this article would have left me fuming. But, with time, I've been able to kind of remember what it was like to just trust that my body would do what it needed to do when it was time to do it. That's how it worked for about the first 5-6 months. I charted only temperatures and occasionally mucus when I remembered. Then I became more militant about the mucus and finally gave in to cervical checks (which were more awkward than anything else). Instead of giving you the long-winded story (IVF, then donor sperm), I just want to point out that the frustration you felt? That was real. I get that. But where I think this comes off as a little insensitive is that for you, that's where the frustration ended. For me, every time I thought I'd conquered one problem, another popped up. Working with a clinic and insurance companies means doing things on their time, and suddenly you wish you were back to just charting again. Not to mention the drugs, the expensive acupuncture treatments, the fact that I cannot have a baby that's genetically related to my husband... I am happy that it took you very little time to conceive, genuinely happy! I wish this pain upon no one, to the point that we're using donor sperm so we don't pass my husband's genetic condition down to our children, who'd then have fertility problems of their own. But, you surely are aware that there are many, many others out there who TRULY compete in the baby-making Olympics, every single day, and you were fortunate enough to only have to play on the college football team.
I've read your comments and first of all, let me say that my heart goes out to anyone who has tried to conceive and can't. If you read me regularly, then you know that's true. I never intentionally try to hurt someone with my writing and I hate it when people read something I've written and are offended. That said, this WAS my experience. It's what happened. It's what happens to millions of women. They go online, they read all the crazy advice, they sign up on message boards, they get competitive with their charts, they secretly gnash their teeth when others on the board get pregnant, and then in two months or six months or a year, they get pregnant, too. And they look back later and shake their heads at how completely crazy they were when they were trying to conceive. But they have a happy ending, as do many of the women they were "competing" with, so there's no conflict. If I had been trying to conceive and couldn't, I wouldn't think this column was funny because of my own situation. If I were unemployed and having trouble feeding my family & I read a humorous account of someone beating out two other candidates for a job, I wouldn't think it was funny, either. Obviously, our perceptions of others' experiences are colored by our own. I love you guys, I really do, and I'm sorry for your hardships and your struggles. But I also stand by this column. We're not always going to see eye to eye and I can handle that. I hope you can, too.
