Life is perfect in Texas. All major problems have been solved, everything's good and nothing's bad. I say this because if there were any real problems in Texas, their legislature would not be working on a law that will regulate cheerleaders' dancing.
Right now, the Texas House is debating a bill that would ban "sexually suggestive" dance moves, and any other untoward wiggling, shaking or dry humping that might spring from the loins and bubbly behinds of teenage drill teams, dance troupes and drama squads. The bill, authored by Rep. Al Edwards, is one vote away from going to the Texas Senate.
Members of the Texas House are in the midst of a, well, hot debate. What kind of dancing is just fine, and what's slutty? "Show me where you define what is 'too sexually suggestive,' " demanded Rep. Senfronia Thompson, a Houston Democrat.
Edwards, to his great credit, didn't actually show Thompson a sexually suggestive cheerleading move, although I sure wish he had. Instead, he replied, "[It's] like sexyou'll know it when you see it."
I'm pretty sure that the cheerleaders aren't doing anything that's like sex. Unless they're actually rubbing their erectile tissues on each other, they're doing things that are more like masturbation, or maybe pole dancing. As a man who's done just a little dancing and had a fair bit of sex, I can tell the Texas House and anybody else who's interested: there's a big difference between dancing and doing it.
Don't get me wrong: I am not in favor of cheerleaders getting school spirit up by simulating sex at ballgames and pep rallies. As I recall my high school years, cheerleaders can raise the spirits of all boys, and probably a few girls, just by walking down the hall in a short skirt and spanky pants.
I confess that I lusted heartily for a cheerleader myself, one who never once dirty-danced in uniform, although I sure wish she had. That lust stuck with me for years after I got out of high school. Then, one day, wife Brenda came home from her job in the baby-birthing part of the hospital where she worked and said to me, "Remember that cheerleader you wanted so bad?"
"You betcha. Why do you ask?"
"Because, in the normal course of my workday, I walked into her room while she was feeding her baby. She's still really pretty. But I've got two words for you, bubba: nipple hair."
I haven't lusted for a cheerleader since.
Anyhow, back to the Texas cheerleaders and the Texas House. The cheerleaders just want to know what kind of dancing the state will allow, and the politicians are struggling with guidelines for proper cheerleader dancing. Meanwhile, the ACLU is paying close attention, to make sure the government doesn't intrude on cheerleaders' "artistic activities."
Not that anybody in Texas asked, but I'll offer some advice.
You cheerleaders, here's what you do:
♦ shake your hips side-to-side, not front-to-back;
♦ none of that shoulder-shaking booby jiggling;
♦ no pulling your skirt up, front or back;
♦ keep your handsand the hands of othersoff your tingly parts;
♦ don't spank yourself.
Don't worry about being less attractive, less hot, less wanted. Boysand, yes, some girlswill still lust for you. The boys are lusting all the time. You can't stop 'em from lusting, and they can't stop themselves. Believe me when I tell you: you'll lose no lust by dialing back on the hoochie dancing.
You Texas politicians, here's what you do:
♦ threaten to put the cheerleaders in sweatsuits;
♦ threaten to put a state legislator on every cheerleading squad; start with Al Edwards and Senfronia Thompson;
♦ remember Wanda Holloway, the woman who plotted the death of another cheerleader's mama, just so her daughter would get on the cheerleading squad; she's probably not the only person in Texas who'd go homicidal if you mess with the cheerleaders.
All that said, here's the real problem with hoochie-dancing cheerleaders: it can only be the result of seriously sorry-ass daddying. You Texas daddies, if you've got a daughter who gets up every morning wanting to go down to the schoolhouse and air-hump in front of people, you have failed miserably as a father. If you were a dog catcher, you'd be the dog catcher who let a Chihuahua chew his arm off. If you were a nail-gun-wielding carpenter, you'd be the carpenter who shot his own head full of nails.
If any of you daddies are living the worst-case scenariowhich of course would be having a son on the cheerleading squadI imagine it's hard for you to enjoy life in Texas. But at this point in your daddyhood, your cheerleading boy is who he is. Let me suggest that you make sure he doesn't dance like a hoochie girl while he's at school, and make dang-certain-sure that he doesn't wave his butt around while he's cheering.