Some of these are painfully earnest, others hopelessly too specific, still others simply creepy or just really out there. They’re only funny because they’re so not funny. In all cases, and because we have big hearts, we’ve left the names off these submissions—you know, to protect the weirdoes.
You were apprehended at a bus stop.
You’re Chris Cagle’s baby daddy.
Someone asks, “Who’s your daddy?” and you reply Jeff Fisher simply because he IS your father.
You gave everyone in your family a gasoline gift card for Christmas and ran out of gas on the way home (a true story).
You didn’t let a rabid skunk bite keep you from running for office.
You know that Don Aaron uses the phrase, “beam me up, Scotty,” to port him from crime scene to crime scene in a flash.
You’re proud that Metro Police Deputy Chief Joey Bishop discovered Regis Philbin.
YOU LOVE MUSIC.
Your best lap dance ever involved a yardstick and some mayo.
You try to get married at City Hall but find out that Ray Davies has dibs.
You accidentally discover The Basement’s basement, where you find Mike Grimes’ secret stash of Heart bootlegs.
You still have diapers that Taylor Hicks wore when you babysat him.
You’ve caught up with your fellow senator in the silly sweepstakes.
You think a Hook Echo is something heard along Dickerson Road (fyi to the Scene: new name used by all Nashville weather team members when describing possible tornadoes on radar).
You watch a country music superstar in her fluffy pink sweats in a parking lot, wandering to her car from a hairdresser’s, and you figure it’s best to not say hello since she’s obviously self-conscious about being noticed. But, you still mock her when telling your friends about your near-brush with the rich and famous.
You frequently argue about what street the Red Iguana is actually on. BROADWAY, PEOPLE, BROADWAY!
You think k.d. lang is Pee Wee Herman’s sister.
You introduce your daughter to the governor as your wife!
You aspire to abject mediocrity.
Just like Rush and Phil, you are so happy the poor didn’t get spoiled by a raise in minimum wage, missing the point that Rush and Phil would consider YOUR salary minimum wage.
You add apostrophes to the singular names of establishments—e.g. Virago’s, Cabana’s, Kroger’s.
You love you some laser hair removal ads.
Stepping in dog-doo puts you on administrative leave.
You are not guilty of murder; you are just guilty of loving your son.
You smell like you’ve crapped your pants every time you drive by the Cumberland River.
YOU cut ME off near HARRIS TEETER so I followed you home and know where you live now.
YOU bought a downtown LOFT and you ARE NOT homosexual.
Lelan Statom should grow a BEARD!
You got a CEASE AND DESIST letter from NewsChannel 5 for selling shirts with a picture of SKY 5 on them.
You get excited when WKRN’s 4 o’clock news comes on.
I got arrested one day for throwing an empty bottle at a construction worker on I-65 near Vietnam Veteran’s Boulevard.
You drive a GREEN HONDA, live near Hillsboro Villlage, and I’m stealing your WI-FI Internet RIGHT NOW!
You have a BIG heart and open arms for out-of-towners that want to call this HOME.
You still call your DAD...Daddee.
You and your friends go on a weekly Nash-Trash tour so you can hear the story about Hank Williams Jr. showing his ass.
You’re a boot-scootin’-hat-wearin’-honky-tonkin’ son of a gun!
You’re successful in ways that matter.
You’re fond of saying, “God doesn’t play scratch-off lottery tickets with the universe.”
After all you have been through, you still love your mama.
You, not even hearing this one is real on your local forecast or assumed that this is another exaggerated attempt to force listeners into the sponsor’s establishment, died in the April tornado.