DANNY: Ben and I have been writing this column for some time now, and every once in a while, I’ll meet someone who says, ”I’ve read your articles!“ They usually go on to quote a recent topic and say that they liked what I wrote, or they disagreed, or they at least can agree that Ben was wrong. But I’ve noticed from these responses that people think I’m an incredibly sexual person, which amuses me greatly. Recent conversations have started out, ”So, what’s your favorite sexual position?“ or ”Have you ever been with a woman?“ or, my favorite, ”I bet you can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.“ Truth be told, I can talk one hell of a good game, but ”sex kitten“ wouldn’t be one of the top 10 phrases I’d use to describe myself. And I recently diagnosed myself as having blowjobaphobia.
There’s a very common myth about men and locker-room talk, but women are worse. We talk and we compare and go into detail, and what I’ve found is that I’m the only woman who doesn’t understand what the big deal is about fellatioand who thinks it’s actually kind of gross. Friends have warned that exposing this nasty fact in print will ward off thousands of potential suitors, but what the hell. It’s been a dating drought of late, and saying BJs aren’t my thing can’t scare away guys that weren’t there in the first place. So here goes.
First of all, I have too many gay male friends who are always trying to show me how to give perfect head: You put your hands here, you lick this there, and don’t forget about the balls. But each friend gives me conflicting information about techniques and maneuvers, and the whole thing leaves me feeling anxious. It’s just like when I was learning to drive a stick shift: The only difference is that instead of asking, ”Will I ever get this clutch/gas thing right?“ I’m wondering, ”What if there’s too much teeth?“ I’ve questioned more than a few men and women on this subject, and though the majority of boys agree that there is no such thing as bad knob-slobbing, I got a different story from my friend ”Mark“ (whose name has been changed to protect his questionable innocence).
Mark claims that there are two schools of thought in the modern male fellatio fantasy. The first he calls the ”sudden attack.“ That is, you’re driving down the Natchez Trace Parkway, looking at the rolling hills and the wildflowers, and, oh what luck, your girlfriend’s head is in your lap. The second school of thought he refers to as the ”flawlessly fellating female.“ He says that a woman who possesses said talent can ”be a female conductorpossessing symphonic control over your orgasm.“ Now, who wouldn’t be daunted in the face of that? He even went so far as to admit that he had stayed with women long after they’d worn out their welcome just to get in a few more well-tuned hummers before calling it quits. Ugh.
I think the key word in his description here is ”control.“ Maybe it’s not my bag because it implies some sort of submissiongiving a guy exactly what he wants has never been my strong suit. My girlfriends disagree. Every one of them says that there’s a, um, heady feeling that comes with giving a guy the goods: You’re the one in control and have the man at your mercy. For once.
And as if the whole thing weren’t confusing enough, you’ve got the spit-or-swallow thing to worry about. Can I just say eeeewww? I don’t care how much of a turn-on it is for guys, or if it’s beneficial protein health content. If sperm was so damn good-tasting and good for you, we’d be slathering it on our freaking morning toast, OK? I don’t want it, I don’t know what to do with it, and frankly I don’t want to waste a good T-shirt figuring it out. So I want to hear from you, gentle readers. What’s the big deal? Is fellatio the end-all be-all, or just a bunch of hype aimed at helping guys get off? Write us at email@example.com, for the love of God, no pictures.
BEN: Isn’t it just like a woman to overanalyze one of sex’s simplest, most beautiful acts? Sex is about instinct. There’s no handbook of rules on how to get it right. There’s the basic act, and you have to be in tune with your partner’s reaction to figure out what does and doesn’t work for him or her. I know that’s difficult when you’re busy worrying about getting your clothes dirty, but you should really give it a try.
First of all, don’t talk to me about the daunting task of pleasuring a man. All you have to do is place genitals in mouth and go to town. Regardless of how refined your execution, constant stimulation will eventually let you hit paydirt. I’d like to see you try and go down on a girl. There are, like, five different areas that all have to be stimulated at once. You have to crook this finger while you do that with your tongue, and don’t forget the nipples, which are on the other end of the playing field. God forbid you accidentally change the tempo or be forced to come up for air, because then you’ll get the gentle shoulder tap followed by the heartbreaking statement, ”I’m sorry, I was almost there, and then I just lost it.“
And don’t come out to play if you’re not prepared to get a little messy. I understand your hesitation about swallowing strange fluidsand for the record, I’ve never understood men who need women to swallow. In my book, every man should do his partner the courtesy of letting her know when things are coming to a head, so to speak. But don’t cry to me about getting goo on your handsit comes off with water. And I don’t want to hear any complaints about the act itself. Sex is not just about placing tab A into slot B.
As for your research results, Mark is right about random knob-shines. Off-the-cuff, unexpected sex of any kind is exciting, and of course it’s a boon to our theory that you want it as badly as we do. As for the Flawlessly Fellating Female idea, well, everyone does things differently, and some certainly are what we like to call ”pros.“ But the only people who probably do an inadequate job are those who don’t ever do it.
In the end, I have to contend that, yes, oral sex is important. Unlike intercourse, it’s someone pleasuring you rather than working to make something happen together. And if executed properly, it can make a man lose feeling in his face. But don’t worry about whether or not you’re doing it right. Relax. Sex is like sports; you’re going to fail sometimes. The point is to have fun practicinga lotand when you do succeed, you’ll both knock your socks off.
Got questions or comments for Ben and Danny? E-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
I travel often. Most frequently I travel for business. I can say with great certainty…
fork: Really, Bozo???
AnglRdr: Stand by and hitch 'em up, you just may have unleashed that drooling beer…
yoyo moi/xray's post was irrelevant to what I posted. Donna Locke's post contained a massive…
@AngleRdr: WTF were your opening two sentences in your comment to Donna Locke? Do you…