Dear D&B,
I just moved in with my girlfriend, and she wants us to show our commitment by putting our finances together into a joint account. I smell disaster. What do you think?—SM, Antioch
BEN: Honey, you can slap me ’round and call me names. You can waste all my time with your petty little games. You can take my love and use it like a worn out rag. You can insult my mother— hell, you can insult my dad. You can take my keys and smash up my ride. You can tell me you’re the reason my dog just died. You don’t have to be rich to be my girl. You don’t have to be cool to rule my world. But for the love of crap, keep your damned hands off of my money!
Here’s why you don’t want to do this yet: You still don’t really understand her. You think you do. You’ve made the decision to share living space because you think you know her well enough. Well you don’t. Not only are you going to find out things about her daily routine you didn’t know about, you’re going to discover what she spends her money on. And it will truly horrify you. The first time she shows you the pair of $200 black shoes she just bought that look exactly like the other 50 pairs of black shoes she owns, your head will spin with disbelief.
Sometimes it will be something even more bizarre than that, like a $150 spice holder in the shape of a chicken that she just had to have. Things like this will send your eyes rolling so quickly they might very well shoot out of their sockets. What will truly astound you, if you ever dare to delve this far, are her credit card bills. I think that women see credit cards as some sort of God-given right to be an out-of-control spendthrift. They seem to view a credit card as not living up to its potential if not maxed out.
Therefore, the last thing you should consider integrating is finances. The reason is that at times your money can mean far more to you than love. I know, I know, that sounds incredibly shallow. But the thing is, money controls just about everything we want and need to survive. Not to mention the fact that for most of us there is at least 40 hours of something we’re required to do to have it. Even something as silly as a piece of paper takes on a very personal quality when you have to bust your hump for it.
She’s telling you that you need to combine finances so that you will feel more committed. The fact is, it might likely drive you apart. Sharing space is in and of itself a big undertaking. You’ll crush this thing if you take things too quickly because she wants to play house. She’s got her money and you’ve got yours. Spend it on whatever each of you want and meet in the middle where the bills are. Then you buy each other things, which is far more satisfying. If you share the cash, then someone takes the other’s money for granted and spends it on something the other doesn’t want. A joint account isn’t commitment, it’s a disaster waiting to happen.
DANNY: A brief list of things I’ve spent money on recently: sushi, sandals, CDs, a fabulous burgundy snakeskin kerchief for my hair, mortgage, car insurance, and the usual bills. Knowing Ben Taylor, he’s coughed up cash for CDs, DVDs, a bottle or two of chardonnay, dog food, doughnuts for the office, and bills, bills, bills. Two weeks ago, I had dinner with four other people in Cleveland to the tune of $300. My friend Erin paid and didn’t even blink at the bill because it was a good time with good friends, good wine, and the best damn lobster I’ve ever smacked my lips on.
You see, everyone spends money on ridiculous crap—that’s part of the joy of having money. Like Ben says, the average worker bee puts in 40-plus hours a week—what a grind to put that into bills and savings and have nothing left to show for it. Now, if bills aren’t being paid because you needed the $150 green teddy bear Beanie Baby to round out your collection, we’ve got a problem.
As far as combining finances with your girlfriend, I certainly don’t think it’s a ”sign of commitment“—but that doesn’t make it a bad idea either. I’d start slow—keep your separate accounts, but start a joint account. That way, you could both put money in for your bills. If you have comparable incomes, you can pay half on the bills. If one makes a large amount more than the other, do it by percentage of income. This way, you won’t have fights about her need for two bathing suits and your insistence that your last $50 should be spent on the Metallica box set. It’ll also give you both a good idea of each other’s responsibility with handling money. I started a savings account once with a boyfriend. Two years later, I had contributed $2,000 to his 50 smackeroos. I wonder why things didn’t last.
I will say that if things are looking toward marriage, you should try to combine incomes. Less about the money, it’s more about learning to work together and compromise. Money is supposedly the number-one point of contention in marriages—even going so far as to destroy them over time. It’s a good idea to ease into it but eventually go whole hog. If you can’t work together on finances, can you compromise on other things like housework, or raising children? The whole idea of long-term commitments is that you become, in a sense, one entity with that person, and saying you can’t come to an agreement on money weakens the link.
It’s the idiosyncrasies about people that make them special. Suzie Spicerack—my $150 salt-and-pepper-shaker holder made from nuts, bolts, and forks—was completely unnecessary. But she brings me joy every damn time I look at her, and Ben can sneer all the live-long day for all I care. I wouldn’t invest two pennies in one Afghan Whigs CD, let alone Ben’s wall-to-wall collection, but they make him happy—so who am I to say? Moving in together is just spring training for what’s possibly ahead. So learn to deal with it when she tells you, much like my friend Tina, that she got those Ann Taylor pants on sale for full price.
Got a question or comments for Danny and Ben? E-mail them at oppositesex@nashvillescene.com.
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