The Opposite Sex 

Unless you're not talking, keep your mouth closed during sex

Unless you're not talking, keep your mouth closed during sex

Dear B&D,

Guys, you gotta help me. Whenever we’re having sex, my boyfriend insists on talking the whole time and asking me what feels good, and it’s really hard for me to let go, if you know what I mean. Am I a freak for not getting turned on by this, and if not, how do I get him to let his tongue do the talking?

—JLM, Belmont

BEN: Sex is an inherent instinct in our biological and sociological makeup. Our basest animal needs, directed by hormones, produce the drive to copulate so that we may continue the species. This can sound clinical to some, but the truth is that the pheromones and hormones and whatnot are what make it so exciting when you give in to your body’s instinctual desires.

Unfortunately, though, we aren’t animals. Rather than just act on instinct, we express ourselves through words, not gestures or actions. This is OK in the realm of verbal seduction, when (we hope) it’ll help us get to the inevitable act. But once we’ve gotten to the wonderful world of fornication, talking can be...well, a buzzkill.

Let me give you an example of where getting verbal almost killed the moment. On the occasion of finally getting a girl I was seeing to my bed, I found her at an inopportune time whispering into my ear, “Tell me what I want to hear.” I wasn’t sure what type of response this was supposed to elicit.

I’ll be honest. Twenty-four hours a day I don’t know what it is women want to hear, and I certainly can’t figure it out when I’m concentrating on, um, other things. So after deliberating for a minute on some filthy suggestions and the usual standards (“I love you,” “I’ll call you”), I hesitantly came forth with, “I’ve got condoms?”

“That’s what I wanted to hear!” she said emphatically. For once, I hit the nail on the head.

That time I got lucky, no pun intended. But it’s possible that if I had gone with the first thing that came to my dirty little mind, the night would have come to an immediate close. Even if she hadn’t cared what I said, no amount of orgasms will erase a memory the following morning of something silly you said in the act. It’s for this reason that I advise that all conversation be left for afterwards or before.

Sex is a physical expression of whatever might be going through your head. Keep it that way. If what’s going through your head is, “Man, I love her,” show her you love her. If it’s, “Man, she’s got a sweet ass,” show her you think she’s got a sweet ass.

Now, occasionally talking becomes a necessity just to get everybody on the same page. In most cases, I would still urge you to keep your mouth shut. There are ways to tell someone you want them to do something (or stop doing something) without using sentences. If you don’t know them, contact me at the e-mail address below.

Ladies, if you have to speak because your partner isn’t getting the message, I advise you to be curt and forceful. Use short phrases like “Eat me!” or “Do me now!” Make it sound like an order. If you sound vague or unsure, you’re going to leave us wondering—which is not a good thing, because we’re easily confused.

Guys, just don’t say anything. It’s easier for women to talk dirty and sound sexy. Besides, you’ll score more points if you wait and discuss things you’d like to do later. Women typically don’t like surprises in bed unless they’ve been previously agreed to in conversation. Otherwise, stay mute and let your dick do the thinking. Enjoy the one time in life when it’s appropriate.

DANNY: For all my future sexual partners out there, be warned: You should be careful about what you say to me during sex. Very careful. Because if you get crazy on me, I am not above telling my friends so that we can laugh and laugh until we’re out of breath.

When I think back on the things guys have said to me over the years, I still get giggly. Talking during sex is not a black-and-white issue; it’s all in the moment. You might start out slow with a “yeah...that feels good” and progress into full-on “who’s your daddy?” before the whole thing is said and done. It’s dependent on mood and timing and a million other things that men can’t get right for the most part.

Sometimes talking is a huge turn-on, and sometimes you just want to sit up and say, “What in the hell are you talking about? Can’t you see I’m trying to have an orgasm here?” So I don’t think you’re a freak for not getting turned on if all he’s doing is asking questions. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything more annoying.

Guys will tell you that women are complicated down there—there are lots of hills and valleys and roads to travel—and sometimes they’re not sure where to go. But is that our fault? I think not. I didn’t make the thing. I just know what feels good, and if you’re in the right place I’ll let you know about it. But I am not a guinea pig, and I already put in my training years during high school. Let me put it this way: If you have to ask directions, you don’t deserve to be driving.

On the other hand, that doesn’t mean that boudoir talk should be completely prohibited. Any relationship—no matter what kind of crazy sex you’re having in the beginning—will eventually simmer down to routine. At that point, talking is helpful as long as it’s impassioned and encouraging. It also keeps the focus on sex—it keeps us from slipping off and making a mental grocery list about all the things we’ve got to do tomorrow.

Believe me, I am the very last woman who would even suppose to know what guys are thinking or feeling. Recently I was talking to two male colleagues who are your typical man’s-man types. From what they say, it seems that no matter what is falling out of your boyfriend’s mouth during the act, there’s a whole other conversation going on in his head.

For years I naively accepted the idea that guys were looking at me during sex and thinking things like, “I’m so in love with her,” “Oh, this is so hot and romantic,” or even “I hope I’m doing this right so she’ll want to do it again”—but I was wrong. Apparently, they’re thinking about dead kittens, baseball scores, and multiplication tables. These guys are envisioning deceased animals so they can last longer in the sack. Who knew?

Though I usually subscribe to the theory that if a man’s lips are moving, he’s lying, I think guys mostly do mean it when they say that they want you to be satisfied. So the best thing you can do is to tell him if you want him to spend more time grunting and groaning and less time doing his Alex Trebek impersonation. Spin it that you’re more likely to have multiple orgasms if he lets you concentrate. Guys fall for crap like that every time.

Got a question for Danny and Ben? E-mail them at


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