The Opposite Sex
Is it the size of the prize, or the shift of the gift?
by Danny Solomon and Ben Taylor
Dear B&D,
Does size matter?
—Meatman, Madison
DANNY: Of course size matters. The bigger, the better, right? In America we strive for bigger houses with bigger yards, bigger cars with bigger engines, bigger offices with bigger windows, and bigger paychecks with which to purchase them all. Why have a hamburger when you can get a Big Mac? Why order the small when you can have the Biggie fry? I’d applaud you for being insightful enough to ask something that questions the shallowness of American culture—but I get the feeling you’re just talking about your penis.
The only people who are going to tell you that size doesn’t matter are men with small penises. They’re going to give you that whole, “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean” crap to make themselves feel better. Let me tell you something: I don’t know one woman who hopes that her lover will have dinghy-sized genitalia. Nor does she want a cruise ship. I’ve had friends tell me, “When I saw it, I got frightened. I wanted to ask him if we could put some of it in the refrigerator for later.”
Nevertheless, I’m willing to bet that there aren’t many ladies going into adult bookstores, walking up to the wall of vibrators, and grabbing the Slim Jims by the double handful. I’d say that if you’re somewhere between a super-plus absorbency tampon and a healthy zucchini, you’re doing fine.
Size matters in lots of different respects. Any woman who has had a salesclerk yell over the dressing-room door that they don’t have those pants in the next size up can tell you so. Does breast size matter? Depends on whom you ask. To girls, there are a lot of decisions involved in outfitting two lumps of fatty flesh that protrude from our bodies. To us, size matters only in the realm of decision-making about padding, underwires, seamlessness, see-through, patterned, or plain. Does breast size matter to guys? Absolutely not. All that matters is that we have breasts and that we’re kind enough to let guys touch them every once in a while.
But back to the penis thing. If you’re asking, you must be insecure. I’d love to be able to tell you that the only thing that matters is what’s in your heart, but that would be a lie. I will tell you this, though: The first thing women look at is not your package. We’re more interested in your eyes, your smile, your hair, and whether or not you’re wearing a wedding band. We’re not going to notice a bulge in your jeans unless it’s knocking over people in your way. We’ll get to that stuff later.
And if you do get to later, remember that women are sensual creatures. There’s a world of things out there you can do to her that will leave her begging for more. That way, you can still be a hero—even if you’re a few links shy of being the Sausage King.
BEN: Here in America, land of the free, home of the implant, we tend to think that bigger means better. Americans have little use for subtlety; we like to be hit over the head with things. American males in particular seem to be suckers for size, especially when it comes to breasts. Hooters, Juggs, Busty—these magazines send the message that we like boobs and we like ’em big. But does it really matter? Do large breasts assure greater success with men? Is sex better for men if the breasts are large? Well, as with most things concerning men and women, the answer is yes and no.
It has been said that men unconsciously seek women with wide, child-bearing hips—a subliminal, evolutionary need to fulfill our possible mate position with a good breeder. This may very well be true, but I can tell you for sure that an ample bosom is a fully conscious attraction. The larger the breasts, the quicker a sexual response goes through our head. Big chests cloud everything else in our view. We won’t notice your eyes, your hair, your legs, or even your smile. Large, pillowy breasts are visual pheromones that send an instant message of, “I am woman, and you know what you’d like to do to me.” So if sexual attraction is what you’re after, girls, then yes, big boobs can be key.
But in the end, if you’re just trying to meet someone, this could be a hindrance. I guarantee you that women with large breasts don’t get taken as seriously by men as women with regular bosoms. There is also a need for moderation. A woman with breasts 10 times her own body weight is more likely to be stared at with a sort of freakish appreciation, rather than an aesthetic one. And the fact is, breasts aren’t going to cover up a bad personality or a lack of chemistry. In the end, we just need some curves to know that you’re feminine. The rest of the package can do the convincing.
As for sex, I have never found that a big bust contributes anything major to the experience. Sure, they’re fun to touch and whatnot, but they don’t make sexual satisfaction a done deal. I suppose in that area, it’s more a matter of personal proclivity.
To that extent, as far as size goes, I’m more of a booty man myself. I believe the ass is the steering wheel of the whole mechanism. If you’re going to switch lanes or make a sudden right or left turn, you grab the ass to make your adjustments. Never grab the headlights. If you grab the headlights to make a movement, then you obviously don’t know how to drive.
As for the guys, well, I’ll say that we have a little more leeway. First off, there are no visual requirements to meet. Women don’t go around checking out our packages. But when push comes to shove, so to speak, you’d better have something to back up your claims. I don’t think being John Holmes is necessarily important to women; I’ve never had women tell me stories about how great a particularly large penis was. But I’ve heard plenty of stories about extraordinarily small ones. Let’s put it this way—if you ever start having sex, and she asks if you’re in, start looking into the latest Swedish operation going around.
Got a burning question for Danny and Ben? E-mail them at oppositesex@nashvillescene.com.
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