The non-fucked-up person's guide to Bonnaroo 



To many, the music will be incidental to the Bonnaroo experience. It's not a secret that a vast number of people will descend upon the festival for the sole purpose of getting fucked up. And why not? But what if you're a teetotaler, a straight-edger, or in the middle of recovery? Just because you're not getting wasted doesn't mean you can't have fun.

First off: Don't babysit. Your friends are ostensibly grownups and will hopefully be able to handle whatever it is they've decided imbibe. Don't let their trip guilt-trip you. Also, it would be wise to document. Not just pictures and video of the shows — everything. Sure, there'll be embarrassment once everyone sobers up, but everyone'll have a good laugh about it in a few years time.

Don't forget to keep the change. Dude: Smokey and J-Date will be too incapacitated to do anything useful, so be cool and make their beer runs for them. But insist on keeping the change — they will certainly slur their assent. It's not stealing if you ask! Finally, eat unhealthily. Just because you're not polluting your body with drugs and/or alcohol doesn't mean you shouldn't pollute your body at all. When else is it encouraged to have a slice of pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Don't pay $2 for an apple at the Whole Foods tent. See you at the arepa stand.


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