The Name Game 

A woman who’s just given birth sits in a hospital bed. As she holds her tiny newborn in her arms, she looks at him lovingly and says, “My darling, I think I’ll name you…Tight Jeans.”

A woman who’s just given birth sits in a hospital bed. As she holds her tiny newborn in her arms, she looks at him lovingly and says, “My darling, I think I’ll name you…Tight Jeans.”

It happened.

Not long ago, I asked those of you who read my website (SuburbanTurmoil.com) to tell me about the craziest kids’ names you’ve ever heard and, oh my stinkin’ heck, did you ever rise to the occasion. More than 300 emails later, my own contribution, a kid we once knew by the name of Daddy’s Girl, almost sounds tame. Almost. Still, I’d take Daddy’s Girl in a heartbeat over, Pandora Astraea Radagast Annextiomarus Dalía Ondine Xeziriq Amethyst L., who was born just a few weeks ago. Or Ziquadreon Spock. Or Hanky Panky. Or, my favorite of your submissions, Oaktater Bacon.

Many of the really noxious names I received belonged to girls. “My son went to school with a Strawberry Starshine and her sister, Puff Nightshade,” wrote one woman. If that doesn’t make you want to vomit, consider these names: Snow White, Strawberry Shortcake, Truly Scrumptious, Georgia Peach and Betty Boop Brown. “I have a neighbor who named her child “Truly Sweet,” a reader told me. “The little girl has been taught to introduce herself by saying, ‘I’m Truly Sweet, truly, I am.’ ” Who wants to bet that none of these girls will ever become a Supreme Court justice?

But it doesn’t stop there. We also have an Ima Darling, a Bleu Bell, a Starr Gazer, a Heavenly Angel and a Cindy Rella, a woman with whom reader Beck once worked. “When people would call her Cindy, she’d correct them and ask that they call her Cindy Rella,” she wrote. Ick.

Then there are the poor children of parents who’ve forever doomed them to be walking advertisements: Dijonaise, Espn (pronounced Es-pin), Bud Wiser and Enfamil. “My friend, a pediatrician, treated this little girl, whose mom saw the word on a box near her hospital bed and thought it was pretty,” explained a reader. Several of you mentioned twin boys named Orangejello and Lemonjello (pronounced o-RON-gelo and le-MON-gelo). Some insist the names are an urban legend, but others swear to knowing them firsthand.

One naming practice that gets a lot of play among Middle Tennessee’s former bowhead population is creative spellings. Why raise a boring old Emily, for example, when you could have the far more glamorous Emmaleigh? But lots of you know names that have crossed the boundary from annoying to downright stupid. “Haileeye and Makynzyie are sisters who go to my niece’s daycare,” wrote one reader. Others of you told me about girls named Madysynnye, Qurrystal (that would be Crystal), Yssys (Isis), Pair’us, Machayelah, Cenneigdigh (Kennedy), Mykensi, Alekzander and Fhalyshia (Felicia). “My mom [a teacher], had a girl last year named ‘Mackenize.’ It was pronounced ‘Mackenzie,’ ” writes Amy. “Now I understand there are a few different ways to spell Mackenzie, but the English language does have some rules. One being, -ize is not pronounced the same as -zie.

Then there are the children named for their parents’ favorite things, from cars (Mersaydeez, Lexus, Infiniti, sisters Avalon and Elantra and twins Toyota Corolla and Toyota Corona) to liquor (Tequila, Daiquiri, Chablis, Courvoisier and a boy scout named Bacardi). In fact, kids’ names tell a lot about their parents. In Wisconsin, one mom named her daughter Marijuana Pepsicola, and a teacher wrote to tell me about a girl in her class named Crystal Meth. “I didn’t believe it myself until I saw the class roster,” she wrote. Reader Kathy told me about a neighbor kid’s friend she met named Felony. And reader Stephanie T. wrote in about a couple of parents whose sons had better never go to Auburn. “Here in good ol’ ‘Bama, there’s a particular family who are diehard Alabama football fans,” she wrote. “They named their little boys Tyde and Saban (After Crimson Tide and the new Alabama coach, Nick Saban.)”

Oh shit. I’m running out of space, and there are so many more names to tell you about. There’s Jizzman, Vagina (that’s Va-Gee-na—get your mind out of the gutter!) and Dick Wacker, one reader’s cousin. There’s the Trout family, whose kids were named Rainbow, Brown and River. (I looked them up and Brown Trout, at least, is in the phone book.) There’s a whole bunch of boys almost guaranteed to be abused based solely on their names: British, Selwyn, Huckleberry, Bleak, Dutchieboy and Frobisher.

There are young twins named Cash Money and Million Dollar. There’s an AtoZ and an Abcde (pronounced ‘Absidy’). There’s a brother-and-sister pair out there with the names Papa T. and Mama K. There’s Urhines Kendall Icy 8 Special K, whose hospital birth announcement can be viewed online. Go ahead, look it up. And there is, one reader swears, a Placenta.

Yeah. Chew on that. Or, um… don’t.

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