The Fabricator 

Warner blames Jesus for Super Bowl absence

Warner blames Jesus for Super Bowl absence

Last year, St Louis Rams quarterback Kurt Warner was quick to ascribe his team’s Super Bowl win over the Titans to Jesus Christ.

“Thank you, Jesus,” he repeatedly bellowed on national television during post-game interviews.

Now, after a year in which he suffered an injury and the Rams failed to advance past the first round in the playoffs, Warner is taking the theologically consistent, if unusual, position of blaming Jesus for the Rams’ woes.

“Well, I gave Him credit when we won, so I guess I have to blame Him when we lose,” Warner told a shocked audience on Pat Robertson’s 700 Club last week. “My reading of the Bible is that God moves through the events of man, and that would include football games. That doesn’t mean I like it, but I have to accept that we lost this game because Jesus wanted us to—which, means it’s His fault.”

Warner’s theological analysis met mixed reactions among local religious leaders.

“I find it a continuing source of annoyance that people believe that the creator of the universe would care who wins a sporting contest,” one local minister said. “God cares about souls, not field goals.”

“Well, at least he’s consistent,” another minister said when told of Warner’s comments. “He’s not one of these guys who is all full of praise when he wins and then has nothing to say when the game turns sour.”

Reached in his usual position at the right hand of the Father, Jesus was ambivalent on the subject.

“I really enjoyed it last year when the Rams gave Me a game ball after the Super Bowl,” the Galilean carpenter, age 2000, said. “Honestly, I usually just stay out of these things. I don’t care who wins, but I really like gathering with some of the faithful departed and just watching the game.”

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