The Fabricator
Southern Baptists prepare ordination pocket guide
The recent vote by the governing body of the Southern Baptist Church to forbid the future ordination of women as ministers has led the church to create a handy written pocket guide for Baptists who would like a quick reference about which people are and are not officially forbidden by the church to be ordained.
Although the pocket reference hasn’t been distributed yet to the faithful, The Fabricator has obtained an advance copy.
Those with no specific rule against Baptist ordination:
Really stupid people
Murderers
Thieves
Adulterers
Greasy-looking skinny guys
People who think ”Jesus“ is a seven-syllable word
Check-forgers
Sociology professors
Exploiters of the poor
Gluttons
Rampant materialists
Sexual deviants
Newspaper writers
Gated-community dwellers
Alcoholics
Rich people
Angry people
Smug jerks
Former Nazis
Present Nazis
Drivers of ”Jesus fish“ vehicles
Firearm merchants
Crackheads
People who cheer John Rocker when he walks to the mound
Male strippers
Slumlords
Racists
Drivers of extremely expensive cars
Those specifically forbidden Baptist ordination:
Women
Gay men
Lesbians (doubly forbidden)
