The Fabricator 

Bellevue: Couple pointlessly excited

Bellevue: Couple pointlessly excited

"Wow, when I saw that headline on the front page of the paper, I was like, ‘Whoa,’ “ said Vince Simpson of Bellevue, detailing his short-lived elation at the mistaken belief that his routine courthouse wedding to his live-in girlfriend Amy Curley had somehow gained above-the-fold attention from The Tennessean.

A moment’s inspection of the story, headlined ”Amy, Vince nuptials low-key,“ revealed that it actually concerned the wedding of singers Amy Grant and Vince Gill, not the drab legal troths of the sporting goods store clerk and his bride, a cook at the Bellevue Chili’s.

”It brought me down, man,“ Simpson commented.

Melrose: Courtesy clerk smiles

The long check-out line at the Melrose Kroger was stunned into shocked silence last week when one of the front-end employees, known as ”courtesy clerks“ in Krogerspeak, paused from discussing when her break was due, what time she got off last night, and the merits of an apparent young suitor named Dwayne to show actual courtesy to a customer.

”Thanks for shopping with us. We appreciate it,“ the smiling young woman, Leesa ”Peabo“ Smithe, said to customer Frank Edwards.

After a muted yet audible gasp from the approximately 620 customers waiting in line, business at the store went on as usual.

Downtown: Purcell disappears

It has been three weeks since the mysterious disappearance of Mayor Bill Purcell, and police say there is no movement on the case.

Purcell was last seen trudging toward his Saturn on March 8. When he hadn’t turned up at home two nights later—traditionally Friday night ”Pizza Night“ at the Purcell household—his wife notified police.

”The guy is nowhere to be found,“ shrugged Police Chief Emmett Turner.

Metro departments were all reportedly functioning normally.

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