First Place

You were a gay cowboy before being a gay cowboy was cool. —Mike Williams 

Second Place

You’d rather keep your quarterback and trade your senator. —Renee Kasman

Third Place

You’re Bob Corker and you’ve approved this message. —Wando Weaver

Your marathon was slower this year because you circled Musica 10 times. —Pat Johnson

Your district has more poll workers than voters. —Pat Johnson

You buy sushi from Publix. —Victoria Pittman

The Great Escape turned down your Garth & Gretchen CDs. —Victoria Pittman

You’re just now loving Johnny Cash music. —Victoria Pittman

Your carwash talks to you in Spanish. —Steve Dobbrastine

You stop at Frugal’s on the way home from Bible study. —Bruce Carlock

You don’t wear your seatbelt because it squishes your implants. —Bruce Carlock

You think that Cowboy Troy is a retired quarterback. —Harold Hornberger

If you bought and sold a downtown condo before they even broke ground. —Todd Shelton

You think Jason Priestly should star in The Dustin Serpas Story. —Stacy Harris

Your McNair jersey is already on eBay. —Michele Totty

You oppose gay marriage because it undermines the institution but wish Travis and Sarah had tied the knot. —Matt Burnstein

You’re salivating at the chance to ascend the food chain from Wild Oats to Whole Foods. —Wando Weaver

You pooted. —Drew Maynard

Your church has a larger profit margin than Exxon. —Brooke Carey

Your high school sweetheart gives you extra credit. —Drew Maynard

You are unable to convince your out-of-town friends that Heather Byrd qualifies as a celebrity sighting. —Michael Dorr

You play poker with Ludye Wallace. —Mike Williams

You think illegal Mexicans are just as bad as homosexuals, Islamic terrorists and Pac Man Jones. —Mike Williams

Your TV station doesn’t think you should watch The Book of Daniel. —Clifton Kaiser

You tell your children that their great-grandkids will the see the construction work on Briley Parkway and I-40 finished. —Mike Williams

You showed up at Pridefest looking for Boss Hogg and the Duke boys. —Mike Williams

Your (unsuccessful) suicide note was the best song you’ve written in years. —Mike Williams

Fred Phelps picketed your funeral.—Mike Williams

You posed as a hurricane evacuee to get a hotel room for the UT/LSU football game. —Mike Williams

You never thought Vanderbilt would win more football games than the Titans. —Mike Williams

Your police department has a used Taser sale. —Mike Williams

You gave out your business cards at DUI Mike’s funeral. —Mike Williams

Your THP cruiser has a bumper sticker that reads: “Will fix tickets for food and liquor!” —Mike Williams

You think blogging is a job. —Sam Davidson

You thought the Nun Bun was a tad stale. —Mike Williams

You think changing the name of Antioch will make it a better place to live. —Mike Williams

Your dad helps you dispose of the body. —Mike Williams

You scored better than Vince Young on the Wonderlic test. —Mike Williams

You called a buddy and brought a friend to Bill Goodman’s Gun & Knife Show. —Mike Williams

Your local Target locked up the trading cards when they heard Ronnie Steine was running for office again. —Mike Williams

You spent your TennCare bonus on Pabst Blue Ribbon at Coyote Ugly. —John Danley

You fear Kay West more than North Korea. —John Danley

Your real estate agent is also your favorite country singer. —John Danley

You hope David Lee Roth will remember, a Southern man don’t need him around anyhow. —John Danley

You’ve got the Cash box set as your ring tone selection. —John Danley

You work for Dave Ramsey and you have an adjustable rate mortgage. —Nancy Oakes

You’ve called Donelson today. —Wando Weaver

You named your bar or restaurant after the local area code, its address or even its zip code. —Wando Weaver

You cannot pronounce the name of the new symphony center. —Wando Weaver

You know that historic and distinctive meet somewhere in East Nashville. —Wando Weaver

You’ve suggested that Dagny Stuart investigate her own wardrobe. —Wando Weaver

You cheated on your third-period homework...and your third-period teacher. —Drew Maynard

Your radio stations don’t think you should hear the new Dixie Chicks album. —Clifton Kaiser

You think crossing the river for dinner in East Nashville is a major excursion but driving to Cool Springs to buy your Mercedes is not. —Todd Shelton

You hope they hold auditions for the Perry March murder trial. —Jennifer Castleman

You can see more T&A on MTV’s Spring Break than you can at your local strip club. —Cody Alford

You know more people who used to work at The Tennessean than work there now. —John L. Hickman

You think Neil and Heather are having problems because they aren’t doing the morning news anymore. —Bret Moran

Brentwood scares the hell out of you. —Drew Maynard

You buy unpasteurized milk on the black market. —Stacy Harris

Your guitar doesn’t gently weep—it sobs uncontrollably. —Dave Weil

You’re the only person in town that Emmylou Harris HASN’T sung with this year. —Dave Weil

You find that the video of you in a city park has become the fourth most popular Internet download. —Dave Weil

You find that by driving 8 miles an hour, you can avoid all of the yellow lights on Broadway. —Dave Weil

You’ve played Texas Hold ’Em with Chris Moneymaker and Ludye Wallace. —Bret Moran

You’ve bought pot from an out-of-work songwriter. —Bret Moran

You FINALLY get your picture in The Rage, but it’s three days before your scheduled nose job. —Dave Weil

Your deli shows The 700 Club on its TV. —Ken Lass

You don’t mind the immigrants, but wish you could deport Tim Chavez. —Ilissa Gold

You believe strongly in less government except when it comes to other people’s viewing, reading and sexual habits. —Rob Moore

You didn’t understand the details of Operation Tennessee Waltz or the THP scandal, but were outraged when Mayor Purcell called his Christmas tree a “holiday tree.” —Ilissa Gold

You don’t let your 10-year-old watch Harry Potter movies, but made sure the two of you were first in line to catch The Passion of the Christ. —Robert Moore

You think that the band Be Your Own Pet needs to get a dog. —Dave Weil

You live next door to a meth lab. —Rick Hagey

You swore you weren’t coming back this time. —Sarah Dryden

You now get your Sunday Tennessean at Wal-Mart to save a quarter. —Michele Totty

You found a job, a divorce attorney, quit smoking and began music lessons all just by reading the last page of the Scene. —Michele Totty

Your councilperson says his polling shows that 11 out of 10 residents support a proposed overlay. —Clifton Kaiser

You think two Wal-Mart Supercenters are exactly what Nolensville Road needs. —Lola and Suzanne Austin

Your loft is better than their loft. —John Danley

Al Gore is your friend on MySpace. —John Danley

You like the way your fish looks bigger in this pond. —Paul Whitfield

You don’t realize you’re the punch line. —Paul Whitfield

You consider yourself alt-country because you recently changed your brand of cigarettes. —John Danley

You think there ought to be a contest called “You Are So East Nashville If...” —Val Jephson

You wave a rebel flag while bumpin’ to “In ’Da Club” by 50 Cent. —Eric Taylor

You’re not overly concerned about violence in the world, but you have serious problems with a bunch of women on a billboard saying “Stop Faking It.” —Jeff Haynie

You support the ban of a Steve Gill and Phil Valentine marriage. —Eric Taylor

You bust Ms. Cheap for buying nice shoes in a department store. —Sarah Hasenmueller

You’re eagerly anticipating the Schermerhorn Symphony Center, although you’ve never gone to the symphony or opera. —Sarah Hasenmueller

You can’t wait for that first aerial police chase to be televised by Channel 5’s new chopper. —Randy Blanton

You know you’re getting old now that Bill Hall is gone and Dan Miller is wearing glasses. —Randy Blanton

Even your 12-step group has valet parking. —Richard Crane

You get your marriage annulled for fraud just because you hadn’t seen his bald head without his hat until your wedding night. —Chris Chamberlain

You don’t have any friends, but 1,000 people read your blog daily. —Chris Chamberlain

Your middle name is Moon. —nemesisboy

You cried during the ending montage on Bill Hall’s final show. —nemesisboy

Larry Brinton keeps trying to interview you. —nemesisboy

You bought a downtown loft to be closer to...oh wait, never mind. —nemesisboy

You actually think Big & Rich are clever. —Karen Hitt

You need a translator to read you the Ask a Mexican column. —Michele Totty

You taped Perry March’s trial on NewsChannel 5 plus. —Michele Totty

You get yourself admitted to the psychiatric hospital so you can try to hook up with Mindy McCready. —Curt W. Porter

You work out ethics legislation during your golfing trip to Scotland. —Dave Weil

You can honky-tonk, but not so much the badonkadonk. —Tom Sager

You deep-fried the Nun Bun. —Tom Sager

You bragged to your friends that you finally made The Wierdies last year. —Sal Ierovante

You watch Metro Council meetings in awe of the members who sit near Ludye Wallace and refrain from rolling their eyes. —Jimmy McCollum

You went all the way to Paris to meet your wi...mmm, your gir...ahh, whatever, a good friend of yours. —Michael Dorr

We still can’t figure out how your PARENTS hooked your band up with THURSTON MOORE! —nemesisboy