Surgery Fails to Separate Shumaker Head, Backside 

Surgery Fails to Separate Shumaker Head, Backside; Unidentifed woman accompanies UT president to Singapore for operation

Unidentifed woman accompanies UT president to Singapore for operation

University of Tennessee president John W. Shumaker’s head remains firmly enmeshed in his backside despite the heroic efforts of a team of surgeons in Singapore to separate the two.

The risky and controversial 50-hour operation was undertaken by doctors in this Far East city after Shumaker flew in on the university King Air plane last Thursday, after a stop in Birmingham to pick up an unidentified passenger.

After the failed surgery, with his head still steadfastly wedged, Shumaker denied there was any special reason to stop in the Alabama city.

“For crying out loud, we’re flying from Knoxville to Singapore. We have to stop and refuel somewhere,” he told reporters at Singapore’s Changi airport in a muffled, yet understandable voice.

Doctors had told the UT president that the chances for the surgery’s success were 50-50 at best, but Shumaker had said he felt he would give it a try.

“It may not be a fair thing, but I truly feel that the faculty and employees of the university would feel better about me as their president if my head had not undergone a rectal fusion,” he told reporters, speaking from his backside near a bank of waist-high microphones.

“On the positive side, I guess I’ll continue to save money on haircuts,” he joked as he and an unidentified woman boarded the university plane for the trip back to Knoxville. “If I had a new plane, this trip sure would have been shorter,” he added on the way up the ramp.

Doctors say that Shumaker’s condition continues to be career-threatening, but not life-threatening.

“Many people live long and happy lives with this condition,” says Dr. Hoh Khou, chief surgeon at Singapore’s Wheel of Fortune Hospital. “In fact, many of them are in leadership roles in business and government.”

Khou also says that Shumaker’s case was one of the most challenging he has encountered in his 25-year medical career.

“We did the best we could, but his head is just so very far up his [backside],” the doctor says. “Sometimes there’s just nothing you can do.”

The Fabricator is satire. Don’t believe everything you read.)

“We did the best we could, but his head is just so very far up his [backside],” the doctor says. “Sometimes there’s just nothing you can do.”

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