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Don't Finger This Johnson
Having not read Eddie George's book — co-written with his wife — on keeping marriage real, we have to guess there's a chapter called "Baby, I Just Needed a Ride Home." In March, the Titans legend and sometime actor was the passenger in a car driven by a very drunk 21-year-old blond British professional golfer named Rachel Connor — who was pulled over around 3 a.m. with fast Eddie riding shotgun. Eddie insisted he wasn't cheating on his wife (his co-author on that book, see?) but we bet he had to do some convincing he wasn't playing in a skins game.
The Hot Route
Vanderbilt's James Franklin is Boner-worthy because his assistant coaches' wives are, too. On the Mensa-fest that is Clay Travis' radio show, Franklin said, "I've been saying it for a long time, I will not hire an assistant until I see his wife. If she looks the part and she's a D1 recruit, then you got a chance to get hired. That's part of the deal." Commodore fans have settled for winning ugly for years. In the Franklin Era, now they've found a way they can finally win pretty.
Someone Get Britt a Filter
In late July, Titans wide receiver Kenny Britt was arrested. At this point, that should come as no surprise, as Britt's record is longer than a fourth-quarter Hail Mary. But this time, Britt got stopped for drunken driving at the front gates of Fort Campbell. All DUI arrests are asinine, but pulling up half-cocked to a military installation — guarded, as all military installations are, by humorless men with automatic weapons — is a brand-new kind of stupid. Britt was suspended for just one game, but his spot at the top of the dumbest arrests in Titans history is secure.
If Olympic gold medalist Shaun White's September antics at a Nashville hotel were a snowboarding run, he would have scored low for technical difficulty and high for blood-alcohol content. White drunkenly destroyed a telephone, pulled the hotel fire alarm at 2 a.m. — forcing an evacuation of all guests — then got into a fight with someone who had called the police on him while trying to do a backside 180-to-flee-the-scene. White ended up in the hospital with a totally gnarly shiner and a lump on his head, suggesting he should keep those pads and helmet on at all times.The Drunk Digest Top 5
After a slew of public intoxication arrests on New Year's Eve 2011, City Paper reporter Pierce Greenberg decided to take the sometimes profane, often batty exploits of Nashville's drinking community to Twitter. The comical, bite-sized descriptions of stumbling idiots were too good not to share with the world, and #drunkdigest was born.
The year featured many highlights: a Bloody Mary tossed from a moving vehicle ... onto a cop; the discovery of a 31-year-old man, pants at ankles, nestling an entire box of Natty Light; and a New Zealand legal rights activist drunkenly stumbling after a car being towed.
There were notable quotes: "I own this town. Fuck you." Or the guy who tried to convince cops he could make $100,000 "happen" if they let him go. A lot of times, people were unfamiliar with their surroundings: Chattanooga? Knoxville? On a plane to West Nashville? Or where they were going: "West to my homeland!" one arrestee proclaimed.
But here are the five most Boner-worthy public intoxication arrests of the year.
5. Pita of Despair
After hitting up Broadway or Second Avenue, you could wake up the next morning with a nasty hangover, a fuzzy memory and/or a burning sensation when you pee. Or, in the case of our #drunkdigest participant, you might end up passed out, asleep in the bathroom at the downtown Pita Pit.
When cops found our protagonist snoozing in the stall, they shook him awake and asked for ID.
But instead of reaching for his wallet, the man panicked and, according to the police report, "attempted to disassemble the toilet paper dispenser." The answers to life's looming questions might be found at the bottom of a bottle, but your ID probably isn't in that big plastic thing with the jagged tear-off edges.
4. Lonely Island
Police received a call in April from a man who needed help with his boat out at Percy Priest Lake. When wildlife resource agents and firemen arrived on an island in the middle of the lake, they found a drunk man and two other people on the shore. The man refused to be transported, while the other two were taken back to the mainland.
By the time TWRA returned to check on the stalwart, they discovered he had pulled down several trees and started a fire on the island, perhaps channeling a less introspective Tom Hanks in Cast Away. Finally, at 12:30 a.m., he was taken into custody.
Officers found 28 grams of weed in his back pocket. He was charged with public intoxication, non-emergency 911 calls, simple possession and reckless burning. The final judgment: more than $1,000 in court costs.
3. 'Nuff Said
From the police report: "After denying exposing himself, he blew smoke from a cigarette as well as spit at the arresting officer's face."
2. West End Town Dead End Walmart
This year featured a slew of people having sex in all manner of places: a downtown park, near the rescue mission and least surprisingly, outside the Nolensville Road Walmart. But most notably, a couple shacked up on a sidewalk on West End and attracted several onlookers.
Police report: "Under Miranda the codefendant stated the defendant pulled his penis out of his pants and they 'fooled' around and kissed. While in the back seat of my car, the codefendant stated, 'Look at me in the back seat of this police car for nailing a girl on the sidewalk on West End!"
1. Needle and the Damage Done
Public intoxication arrests in downtown Nashville aren't unusual — and there was nothing particularly notable about a man booted from the Convention Center for being drunk. Except that the only event at the NCC that weekend was the National Network of Embroidery Professionals trade show.
1. What valuable lesson did a 46-year-old New Yorker learn in June after his eventful stay at the downtown Hilton hotel?
a. Kindness is the very best tip of all.
b. That round thing in the public urinal is not a mint.
c. You mean you have to pay for those little bottles in the refrigerator?
d. It's probably better not to contract an 18-year-old girl through Craigslist to massage and lick her feet for $100, lest her three companions bust in, beat and rob you.
2. First-term state Rep. Kelly Kiesling (R-Byrdstown) made headlines across the country last summer when he:
a. Hosted a press conference with a Democratic candidate whose own party wouldn't even support him — no, wait, that was Sen. Stacey Campfield.
b. Claimed "at least 20 states have filed papers for secession with the White House" over ObamaCare — no, wait, that was Sen. Mae Beavers.
c. Reasoned that he would probably sign a widely criticized school science bill into law because it didn't really change anything — no, wait, that was Gov. Bill Haslam.
d. Forwarded an email to constituents warning them that President Obama was planning to fake his own assassination in order to declare martial law. (Which didn't happen, so ... vigilance pays!)
3. A well-funded, politically orchestrated nationwide campaign tried to make the anti-teacher's union propaganda drama Won't Back Down, hosted at a Nashville screening by Mayor Karl Dean, a rallying cry for education "reform." That didn't happen, but the movie did get:
a. A cease-and-desist order from Tom Petty's lawyer.
b. Raves from Gene Shalit: "I 'won't back down' on this one! Go to the head of the Oscar class!"
c. An MTV Movie Award for Best Kiss between Dean and Walden Media's ass.
d. A new record for the least money taken in by a release that wide in box-office history.
4. In May, two Murfreesboro men took umbrage with their local McDonald's on grounds that their cheeseburgers did not contain enough onion. After a bout of drinking, according to police reports, they decided to register their displeasure by:
a. Tea-bagging Mayor McCheese.
b. Pushing Grimace into a deep fryer.
c. Robble robble robble chainsaw robble robble robble naked.
d. Heaving bricks through the window.
5. The hamburger chain made the news again in June, thanks to a lawsuit that:
a. Can be Super-Sized with extra bacon!
b. Came with a Rise of the Guardians action figure!
c. Demanded the great taste of McRibs all year long!
d. Targeted the Kardashian sisters for allegedly (and improbably) assaulting a Kentucky ex-con in a Nashville McDonald's parking lot, even though published reports had Kim Kardashian in New York that day.
6. In just nine hours' time on March 25, William Todd made national headlines — and legend — by allegedly:
a. Breaking into a slaughterhouse and stealing a shotgun, revolver and Taser; shooting up the slaughterhouse and burning it to the ground; robbing four people at a local bar, Tasing one and pistol-whipping another; and carjacking a cab.
b. Vandalizing a Union Street law office by defecating on a desk and smearing his feces on the walls; entering Hotel Indigo wearing a red wig and impersonating a female housekeeper.
c. Stealing $600 at gunpoint from a Canadian couple; shaving his head; crashing the aforementioned stolen cab into a parking garage; and ordering another cabbie at knifepoint to drive him to Opryland, where he was arrested while almost completely submerged in a water cooling unit.
d. All of the above.
7. No slouch in the Boner department, the Scene this year managed to:
a. Attribute legislation to a Republican that was actually filed by a Democrat.
b. Send, by way of the Country Life Twitter account, a tweet misidentifying Blind Boys of Alabama singer Jimmy Carter as the former U.S. president.
c. Mistake a photo of some ordinary-looking dudes as a still from the movie Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things.
d. All of the above.
Answers: 1-7, D.
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