So you've faced nature's most destructive forces? Try raising a boy
by Lindsay Ferrier
I knew my son would be trouble even before he was born.
By the time I was seven months pregnant, he seemed desperate to get out of my body, constantly stretching, pummeling, jostling and sometimes kicking me so hard I gasped. When I went into labor two weeks early, I felt only relief. I was tired of the 24-7 beatdown and wanted my body back to myself, ASAP."Watch out, people, he's got shoulders!" I remember my obstetrician calling out to the nurses with a frown of intense concentration on her face. Moments later, they handed him over to me, a barrel-chested 10-pounder whose ear-splitting screams would provide a jarring melody for the new soundtrack of my life.
In fact, his screams are pretty much all I remember from his first year. In the beginning, they were caused by reflux. Once we got that taken care of, he began howling because he couldn't sit up, or because he couldn't reach a toy, or because he was hungry, or because he was cutting a tooth, or because he was tired, or because he was...alive.
Eventually, Bruiser's increased mobility put a stop to the screaming. But that's when the destruction began. At 1, my son managed to break two lamps, a $100 power cord, countless Xbox games, DVDs and CDs, cups, plates and most memorably, my Macbook. At the time, I wrote a column admitting that I sometimes called my little annihilator a...Monkey Butt. That admission garnered some horrified responses from readers, who were certain such a nickname would scar my son for life.
Those readers obviously have never raised boys.
Parents of sons form a survivors' network of shared experience that bridges all ethnic and socioeconomic gaps. I've never counseled and commiserated with more strangers than I have as the mother to a boy.
"Was yours like this?" an acquaintance asked me in horror the other day, as her 1-year-old son ran around the elementary school cafeteria screaming and flailing his arms while she attempted to have lunch with her daughter.
"Oh yes." I said. "And then some.""I keep wondering if he's normal," she said, shuddering. "My girls weren't like this all."
"He's not normal, Julie," I told her. "He's a boy."
Just last week, I sat in sympathy as a mom friend broke down in tears, recounting the anger and humiliation she'd felt that morning when her 3-year-old son had an unexpected screaming fit in Walmart. The stares! The whispers! The judgment!
And yesterday, I found myself in a 30-minute heart-to-heart with a salon receptionist, who'd had to bring her 2-year-old boy into work with her.
"My mama keeps saying I need to just pop him," she said, as he defiantly pulled hair products from the shelves. "I tell her I can't do that, because he makes me so angry, I don't know that I could stop myself once I started."
Those were pretty intense words from a stranger, yet they didn't surprise me. At 2, Bruiser uses up every last bit of my patience most days, starting with the moment he wakes up shouting at 5 a.m. He bellows and sobs when he doesn't get his way. He goes limp and howls if he doesn't want to do something, which generally occurs in the most inconvenient places, like a crowded parking lot or busy street. He puts everything he finds in his mouth. He hits his sister and steals her toys. He rips pages from his books. He throws things.
"Be nice," I tell him over and over again.
"No!" he answers stoutly. "No, you be nice! YOU BE NICE!" Often, he punctuates the whole thing with a raspberry, which is sort of funny when we're at home alone, but not so much at Kroger on Senior Discount Day. I could do without the assvice, my elderly friends, thankyouverymuch.
I realize as I write these words that he sounds like a little monster. And sometimes he is. Yet he has moments of sweetness that make all of his antics melt away in my mind. When I'm too tired to do anything with him at 5 a.m. except put him in bed beside me, he lies there quietly until the sun comes up, clutching my hand tightly to his chest and murmuring to himself about cars and planes and trains. He gives me a thousand kisses a day and tells me he loves me at least once every five minutes. He snuggles like none of our children who've come before him.
He holds my face in his hands sometimes and says, "You're byoo-full, Mommy." And in these moments, I can't believe how lucky I am to have a son. To have my son, my dirty faced, sticky-handed, screeching, blustering, completely infuriating son.
And I know all the tearful and exhausted mothers to boys out there feel exactly the same way. Quietly, we will continue collecting our shrieking sons from off the floors of public places. We will clean up their spills. We will kiss their scrapes. We will make a thousand apologies to the people around us. We will love our sons like no one else ever can. And we will earn for our troubles a gleaming badge of honor visible only to those around us who have boys of their own.
Read more Suburban Turmoil at www.suburbanturmoil.com.
Email editor@nashvillescene.com.
Comments (48)
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Overheard: "Believe me I have tasted dirt before and pokemon don't taste like dirt" says my 7 year old son. That says it all doesn't it? hattahall.blogspot.com
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Honey, those mothers of girls will reap their trials during the teen years. Boys are ever so much easier than girls! Trust me! I have 2 of each flavor who are now adults. And my gray hair is the girls fault.
Truer words have never been spoken. Thank you for this. I needed to hear it after the day I have had with my "little destroyer" www.theeberharts.blogspot.com
Amen! You nailed it, Lindsay. These boys...these boys. Great post, glad i clicked over to check it out. :)
My mother-in-law tells me my husband was so easy to parent UNTIL he became a teenager. Maybe Bruiser is just getting his pain-in-the-buttness out of the way prior to puberty. Be glad. www.literarilyspeaking1.blogspot.com
I've raised two who are now teenagers...but I will never forget how exhausting and sometimes embarrassing their younger years were! You are right, though. When they want to be? Boys are beyond amazing. http://devilishsouthernbelle.net
This is the truth if it has ever been spoken! Beautiful words. (Thanks for the lump in my throat)
Yep, boys are definitely different! My friends who have boys tend to throw them my way from time to time. I love it until I am saying "stop it! don't touch! or will you listen to me?" I didn't have brothers and my first interaction with a little boy was one I babysitted years ago. As I was pulling my hair out, frustrated with his inability to mind, he ran up to me and told me he loved me. Melts your heart. Last year I was in Atlanta keeping my friends' two boys. We went to the zoo, the aquarium and all points in between. Roman, the youngest and the one I have spent the least amount of time with, would hit me and then give me a look with those two big blue eyes and tell me he loved me. Yeah, I am a sucker for the little boys now. Rough and tumble yet will cuddle with you after they finish screaming that they want chicken nuggets in a public place.
I have a PRE-monster stage boy. He's only 6 months and so far has been an amazingly easy baby. This article helps prepare me for what is around the corner.
Lindsay, Thank you for this! Sometimes, I think I'm going to lose it because I have TWIN boys. So it's double the EVERYTHING plus horrendous competition and fighting. My prayer is that all this "boyness" will channel into responsible, assertive, and resourceful men. ;) And, oh my goodness, I always kick myself when I happen to shop at Kroger on the first Wednesday of the month. http://www.writingmomof3.com
This is so interesting to me! I have three boys and a girl, and my girl (5 years) has been soooo very much more difficult than my boys (8 years, 2 years, and 6 months). I always attribute it to her being a girl, but I wonder just the same whether it's more her personality than her sex. I don't know. I think it's so hard to separate those two. My oldest screamed for a year but has literally been the perfect child ever since. My daughter, my gosh, I have no idea when (if) it's going to stop. Just tonight, she was screaming and crying - sobbing - because her older brother read her a book WITH AN ACCENT. She ended up scratching both of his cheeks and drawing blood. My delicate flower. Ugh. I try to keep telling myself that maybe it means she'll stand up for herself, be a strong woman, blah blah blah. I have no idea if that's true, but I'd like to believe it. Alicia @ http://bethsix.com
I love this! My little guy is only 5 months old, but I can already tell he's going to be a handful. I can't wait!!!! http://moderndayrickyandlucy.blogspot.com/
http://mommywantsvodka.com Oh, my son is a whirlwind of destruction and mayhem. And love. Thankfully, there's also a very sweet streak in there. Otherwise, I might have killed him by now.
Oh my ... I could have written just about every word of thise. Mother to a 2 1/2 year old boy here. Boys are crazy full of energy! www.davidanddaisy.com
Reading this story was like hearing my own story told by a stranger. I too had a 10 lb son who doesn't listen and breaks things and gives the best hugs I've ever gotten from a child. It's a club I'm very happy to be a part of. www.shawnandkendra.blogspot.com
Ages (just turned)5, 2 1/2, and due in 2 weeks..with...another..boy. I was the girliest girl a girl can be- not anymore. I understand where you are coming from, but I swear little boys just love their mamas more, they cuddle more, they NEED you more- all of that makes it worthwhile. Though I doubt a tutu purchase will be anywhere in my future. We are too scared to try for number 4!!!
My oldest son has the LOUDEST voice, always has. At first I thought I always heard him above the crowd because he was mine, so of course I could single him out. But now I realize, no, he's just really LOUD!! Love your column and blog and always recommend it to my sister who recently moved to Nashville! www.flipnflop.com
This is a really moving column! I haven't had exactly the same experience with my boy (who is Punky's age), but I do think my son is different from my daughter in ways that constantly frustrate and amaze me. http://jacoblawrencenewman.blogspot.com/
My brother calls my son "Butthead" as his nickname for him and my son (almost 8) thinks it's the my hysterical thing in the world. I was lucky and escaped the usual behaviors usually associated with boys. But my daughter? Oh man! She is everything that you described in your article.
That is so funny, after having two girls, my mom said my brother was her easiest child by far. He was so much sweeter and very laid back - not really a tantrum thrower... That was my sister - she thought her middle name was middle child syndrome :) I was the perfect, responsible older sister... never the one to instigate said tantrums ;) right.... Brittany Bspeight.blogspot.com twitter.com/legallyblonde7
Hi Lindasy - been reading your blog for a while now, but it's my first comment (Google Reader suggested you). I too have a little boy who, to put it lightly, tests his limits a lot (and a kindergarten girl). The other moms of boys I've met seem to have the same experience, so we just keep going. You're absolutely right that they're the sweetest things ever - if only the grocery store advice givers got to see those moments. :) lilmisbusy.blogspot.com
I don't think the destruction will ever stop. My 7 year old has asked for new trucks and cars for Christmas so he can wreck them! and my husband LOVES doing it with him!!! My daughter is almost two and is a screamer and into everything...but has never intentionally tried to break something...that is definately a BOY trait. www.brookeblogsthis.blogspot.com
I'm the mother of a teen-age boy. When I was carrying him in the womb he was nothing like his sister--he was mellow, with slow, gentle rolls. I thought "Yes!" Then he came out. And he is nothing like his sister. He is dramatic. He is the only child you has ever yelled "I hate you" at me. He was 3 at the time. When he was little, everything that was round was a ball and he would fire at will. As he grew older, he matured although he still struggles with finding a happy balance between being a respectful boy and still looking tough to his friends. Last year I thought I was going to reach my limit with him, but now things are going much better. But he is only 13. We still have a few years. nursegraham.blogspot.com
