Snoop Dogg Rising
...just one case of an overlooked, underappreciated awards presentation
As I've pointed out repeatedly in the last month, it's awards time and the accolades are a-flyin' all over the place. A couple of weeks ago, the Golden Globes handed out their bought prizes, one of which Nicole Kidman won for the low, low price of divorce and abandonment. The problem with this flood of award shows at the beginning of the year is that sometimes the lower-profile ones get overlooked.
So in the interest of not letting recognition slip by when it's especially deserved, I'll do my part to keep you apprised of notable achievements by our best and brightest that may not have caught your eye. That's why I'd like to let you know that last month Snoop Dogg received not one, but two AVN Awards.
What's an AVN award, you say? Why, it's an award from Adult Video News. What's the news you say? The news, friends, is that people are doin' it. Humping. Screwing. Boinking. Shagging. Playing “hide the salami.”
We all know that Snoop is a modest man and likes to keep his greatness to himself, save for the fact that he refers to himself as “tha shiznit.” But considering that most people only know Snoop as a rapper, actor and homicide suspect, it seems unfair to let his accomplishments as a pornographer go unnoticed. Snoop Dogg's Doggystyle is his first videotape foray into the pornographic arts, and obviously, as his awards for Best Music and Top Selling Tape of 2001 attest, it is a resounding success.
Snoop himself does not “act” in the film so much as serve as master of ceremonies, introducing scenes and playing an integral role in the conception of the piece. Snoop claims to be more of an appreciator of the genre and prefers to watch. What ever the case, this is clearly another notch on his, um, bedpost.
In closing, I'd like send a message of admonishment to the E! network for not having Joan and Melissa Rivers hightail it down to the red carpet for this event. Not only did they miss out on some of the finest fashions worn this year, these two vapid plastic surgery victims would surely have felt at home.
Not so sexy after all
It's somewhat surprising, when you think about it, that Snoop isn't more, ahem, engaged in the porn industry. After all, he's an astute businessman, and there is a serious market for celebrity sex out there. Ever since the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee sex tapes, almost every month there has been a different rumor of a celebrity being caught schtuping on home video.
J.Lo has twice been rumored to be involved in a sex tape—with the film most recently being upgraded to a threesome. At least according to ex-con and all around purveyor of unreliable information Marion “Suge” Knight, this thing exists. Teen queens Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera have both been rumored participants in sex tapes, although in each case the gossip proved false. Britney's video was actually of a family vacation with her and Justin Timberlake—and given what we know of Timberlake, it's no surprise there wasn't any nudie footage on that. Even decrepit and deluded old man Mick Jagger had an 18-year old Las Vegas stripper claiming to have a recording of a dalliance with the Glimmer Twin last October. This as well is supposedly hogwash.
Are regular porn stars not good enough anymore? Are we so fixated on our celebrities that we feel compelled to view even their sex lives? Or is this just a comment on the real value of the stars mentioned? Whatever the case, this country is dying to see celebs naked and going at it.
This craving is extraordinarily crude on our part. Yes, the people in question are overprivileged exhibitionists, but that doesn't automatically give us a right to view their most intimate moments. More important, the people we end up actually witnessing in such compromising positions are the last people we'd ever want to see naked, much less doing the horizontal rumba. After all, we're talking Vince Neill and Bret Michaels here—the only other people for whom credible sex tapes have actually surfaced. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Basically, this trend seems to be affecting only unattractive people whose careers need a pick-me-up. So I guess what I'm saying is, let's not give Howie Mandel any ideas on how to revive his career, OK?
On the other hand, I hear Mariah Carey is down on her luck these days....
Quotidian Challenge
“That's one of the tragedies of this life: that the men who are most in need of a beating up are always enormous.”
Be the first to e-mail the origin of this useless bit of trivia to poplife the shame of your name printed as the winner and some free useless crap from the Nashville Scene!
Previous week's answer: “I looked to the stars and tried all of the bars. And I've nearly gone up in smoke. Now my hands are on the wheel of something that's real, and I feel like I'm going home.”—“Hands on the Wheel” by Willie Nelson.
Winner: Tate Lanford.
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