She'd Call Foul 

Judge Judy would fix the sporting world's knuckleheadism if we could just recruit her for the job

Judge Judy would fix the sporting world's knuckleheadism if we could just recruit her for the job

According to some quasi-scientific survey I saw one time, the worst jobs in America are (1) chicken sexer and (2) anything in Wichita Falls, Texas. But you know who's got the best job? You're right: Judge Judy.

Judge Judy is a crotchety old battle-ax who doesn't suffer fools or weak B.S. If she ever gives up her courtroom gig, I'd put her to work interrogating al-Qaeda suspects. Within one hour, we'd know Osama's address and phone number. Or I'd have her join the national press corps. She'd chew up Donald Rumsfeld's smug, lying ass the way Charles Barkley grinds through corn-on-the-cob.

What makes Judge Judy's present job so great is that, unlike the rest of us, she doesn't have to put up with any senseless crap from anybody. She can tell them to shut up when she's heard enough, and she's the ultimate authority within her domain. Who wouldn't envy having that kind of workplace authority?

I wish we could transfer it to the sports arena. We could settle a bunch of contentious issues and in short order put the kibosh on a great deal of knuckleheadism. For example, here are some cases I'd bring before Judge J's sports docket:

New York Yankees vs. Jason Giambi. The skinny: the Yankees want to void Giambi's cushy contract after the bulked up slugger admitted to using illegally obtained steroids.

Plaintiff's case (made by Yankees general manager Brian Cashman): "Your honor, we stipulate that, by not disclosing that he had taken steroids, Mr. Giambi violated the provision in his contract in which he affirmed that he had not engaged in behavior that might hinder his performance on behalf of our organization. Furthermore, we stipulate—"

Judge Judy: "Shut up. I'm ready to make my ruling."

Giambi: "Don't I get to make my case?"

Judge Judy: "No. And don't press your luck, Tumor Boy. You sold your body down the river, so I have no sympathy for you."

Cashman: "Thank you, Judge."

Judge Judy: "Don't thank me yet, Weasel Face. You and I both know that you knew but didn't want to know he was loading up. How do you think he went from looking like Mr. Limpet to Hulk Hogan? Please. You knew what you were getting when you and that ex-con boss of yours gave him that ridiculous contract.

"You didn't have a problem with him taking steroids. You only had a problem because he had to quit taking them and his home run production went back to what you'd expect from Don Knotts. So it's a little late for you to come whining that your club is a victim here. I order you to pay the full value of Mr. Giambi's contract."

Cashman: "But—"

Judge Judy: "Plus another $100,000 in damages for wasting the court's time with this pathetic load of fertilizer. Next case!"

Hank Aaron vs. Barry Bonds. The skinny: Bonds, who was skinny before taking substances that he "didn't know" were steroids, will likely surpass Aaron's record of 755 home runs this season or next.

Plaintiff's case (not made by Hank but submitted here as a friend-of-the-court brief): "I didn't cheat. I worked hard for my home runs using only the ability God gave me. And I did it all while carrying stress that came from receiving racist death threats when I got close to Babe Ruth's mark. I don't want to be surpassed by someone who's going to taint the record."

Barry: "My personal trainer told me it was muscle relaxant cream."

Judge Judy: "Shut your yap. You may walk every other time you get up to the plate, but you're not walking here. I've made my ruling. You'll get your record, all right. But with one twist: all the records set by players who used steroids will go in the back of the book, by themselves. So if you want to see who hit the most career home runs, it will say Hank Aaron. If you want to look up who hit the most home runs on steroids, it will say Barry Bonds, followed by Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa. Having a separate category will protect the honest players and actually give them more incentive to rat out guys like you instead of protecting you.

"What's that you say? Changing the record book is something only the commissioner can decide? Fine. Drag his toothless tushie in here and I'll order him to decide it. Next case!"

California vs. Texas. The skinny: Cal finished one-zillionth of a point behind Texas in the BCS standings, which cost the Golden Bears a spot in a BCS bowl worth more money than the crew of Ocean's Eleven could steal in three sequels.

Cal: "Your honor, we finished 10-1, just like Texas. Our only loss was to the No. 1 team in the country, and it came down to the final play. We won our last game, while Texas didn't even play, and yet they moved ahead of us in the polls. Now we get dumped into the lame Holiday Bowl. What's up with that?"

Judge Judy: "I'm going to rule now. Tex, I'd let you present your case, but there's one problem. You don't have a case. There's only one way to settle this. We're going to take the top eight teams and organize playoffs. Eight plays One, Seven plays Two, and so on. Got it? Everybody who deserves a shot gets one, and we're done by New Year's.

Oh, and bailiff, go get those trashy imbeciles waiting in the hall who I threw out of here for screaming 'War Eagle!' and tell them I'm ruling in their favor in the case of Auburn vs. Bowl Championship Series. You BCS mullets, listen to me: you are not keeping Auburn out of the big game just because they weren't in the top two in your preseason polls. In fact, I'm outlawing preseason polls. No polls before Oct. 1. Are we clear on this?"

BCS: "Yes, Your Honor, but you realize that the bowl committees and college presidents are all against a playoff system."

Judge Judy: "Good. Get 'em in here. And, bailiff, bring me a two-by-four. This is gonna be fun."

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