Respect your teens’ privacy? Not on their lives.
by Lindsay Ferrier
Parenting teenagers has honed my detective skills to the sharpness of a No. 2 pencil on the first day of school. When my girls mention a new kid in their social circle, I do my best to act casual. But the moment I get a spare second, I'm on the Internet, pulling up his online profile, perusing his contacts and scouring tagged photos of him for any evidence of impropriety."His Friends list leaves much to be desired," I told Hubs one night not long ago, after he mentioned a new addition to my stepdaughters' group of friends. "Corey Green. Mark Hamilton. Jay Stallings. Stoners, all of them. And look, here's a picture of him laying on a sofa with Rebecca Stevens?! She's, like, a total slut!" I look up at Hubs, exasperated. "This is not someone we want the girls hanging out with." "How do you know all this?" Hubs asks.
"Facebook, Hubs," I say dismissively. "Welcome to the new millennium."
When we score an address, which is information we require when the girls are going to someone's home, I can go a step further. Armed only with a street name and number, I can get property tax records, which tell me the kids' parents' names and how much they paid for the house. A Google Maps search provides me with a street-level photo of exactly where the girls are headed. Not long ago, that happened to be a home belonging to a local music mogul. I did a search for his name and found an online publication featuring pictures of the home's interior at another party on the premises, this one for celebrity guests instead of inebriated teenagers.
"I hope they enter through the foyer," I murmured to Hubs, enlarging the photos. "There's a Kandinsky in there I would love for them to see." I consider texting them, DID U SEE KANDINSKY IN ENTRANCE? But in the end, I decided against it. I didn't want to blow my Clueless Parent façade.
It's a complicated situation, though, because they're my stepdaughters. I may love them as I do my own children, but that doesn't mean I have the same rights and privileges as my husband when it comes to rearing them, and Hubs thinks they deserve their privacy. So with them, I mostly limit my spying to what's publicly available on the 'Net.
As far as my own kids are concerned, though, when it comes to their privacy, the moment I suspect something's amiss, all bets are off.
I view the relationship between a parent and a teen's privacy as similar to that of an employer and employee. In the workplace, we operate under the impression that our employers may at any time secretly monitor our phone conversations, our emails, our computer usage and our on-the-job behavior. Most employers don't do this on a daily basis, but we know the possibility is there if suspicions are raised. I plan to tell my kids to conduct themselves in the exact same way. I'm not interested in monitoring their actions 24-7 when they're older—I'm getting my fill of that with them right now. But they should know that at any time, I may be watching or listening if I suspect they're up to no good.
I realize there are plenty of parents (and even more teenagers) out there who'd disagree with me. Teen privacy is a touchy subject, and whenever I hear opinions on the issue, they run the gamut. In a recent online message-board discussion I read on teens' privacy, parents were divided, 50-50.
"One thing that I have always made a conscious effort of in raising my son (who is now 16) is to respect his privacy," wrote one mom. "I will never enter his room without knocking, I don't go through his things if I'm 'looking' for something. I ask him for what I need if it is in his room. If he's not home, I wait."
Another mom countered: "I feel parents this day and age need all the inside information possible to help teens stay safe and healthy. Many times I hear from parents in shock when their child's mental health has deteriorated, they are cutting themselves or taking drugs or are depressed. We never saw it coming, they say. Would a peek into a diary have foretold and they could have done something about it?"
Most interesting to me was a statement from Katie Allison Granju, a parenting author from Knoxville, whose eldest daughter is now 18. In a recent appearance on ABCNews.com, Katie said that looking back on raising her firstborn, "I had a misplaced sense of a teenager's right to privacy, I think. I was a little uncomfortable with violating privacy. I'm not really uncomfortable with that at all anymore. If I have any suspicion that one of my children is in trouble, I'm going to be looking into everything, and they know that."
Been there, been converted. And that's enough for me to keep my Sherlock Holmes hat handy for years to come.
Read more Suburban Turmoil at www.suburbanturmoil.com.
Email editor@nashvillescene.com.
Comments (23)
Showing 1-23 of 23
The Web has done wonders for helping us technologically monitor anyone we want to, but the permanence that is afforded by sites such as MySpace and Facebook isn't always a measure of a kid's personality or responsibility. For example, say a kid made a few bad choices about two years ago. He fell in with the wrong crowd and those kids posted some incriminating pictures on Facebook or MySpace. Now, he has done a total turnaround and realized that drugs/drinking/whatever else was not a good idea. That's not who he is anymore, but the fact that Facebook and MySpace still keep those pictures essentially searchable for people makes it appear that he is still participating in those behaviors. Also, friend lists aren't really an accurate measure of who a kid REALLY knows and interacts with on a daily basis. It's more about number of friends now than actually knowing someone. I've seen people friend their entire classes online just because they want their friend count to be high. That could be the case with any kid you're looking at in regards to your stepdaughters. I wasn't a teenager so long ago, and I can remember the desperate need for my parents not to know EVERY DETAIL of my life, but I did understand that they wanted to protect me. They met my friends in person. They talked with my friends' parents if it was going to be an overnight situation. I told them stories about my friends so they could get to know them, if even vicariously. To this day, my mom will still tell me she saw so-and-so and gave him/her a big hug and asked about things going on in their lives now. Sure, kids can be really, really crafty when there's something they don't want a parent to know. It's much more complicated than hiding the diary (Peeking in that, I think, is inexcusable for a parent. There are limits to the whole need-to-know). If your kid's going to hide something, she's going to hide something. I think that kind of makes the "If I looked at her diary, I would've known she was cutting" thing kind of moot, because sometimes a kid who does that kind of thing won't even write about it for fear of a parent finding out. Nothing can replace getting to know and actually TALKING to your kid and your kid's friends. No amount of snooping or cyber-sleuthing is going to make up for that. www.literarilyspeaking1.blogspot.com
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My oldest is only 7 now but my plan is to be the nosy parent. My logic, which some may disagree with, is that they will forgive me in time for overstepping bounds but I would never forgive myself if something happened to them that I could have prevented by paying closer attention. I do think there are certain boundaries that I will respect, I'm not going to be eavesdropping on their private conversations or reading their diaries. But I do plan on monitoring whatever they do online, meeting all their friends, and checking in on them to make sure they are where they say they will be. http://andrea-andbabymakes6.blogspot.com/
I am the parent of 6, 1 grown, 2 teenagers, and 3 future teenagers. I agree with you on this one Lindsay. I believe it is our right as parents and the owners of our home (who could potentially be held liable for illegal activities our kids may be involved in) to know what is going on in our home. If it means sometimes invading my child's privacy, oh well. Sometimes it is necessary, especially if you suspect they are in danger. We are legally responsible for them until they turn 18. To me, that means they should know we have the right to investigate anything they bring into our home. My older neighbor told me once, "Do not trust them," meaning his oldest son, whom they never would have suspected, was addicted to drugs and lost about 5 years of his life to that. He was trying to tell me to stay alert with your teenageres and be nosy if you have to. No one wants to sabotage their relationship with their teens, but there is a fine line to walk between being the parent and being the friend. Parent comes first; friend comes when they are grown.
My Mom was a very nosy parent. Before my first date she spoke with his Mom on the telephone to verify all details. You know what? I think she had the exact right idea! Lindsay, you are right on with your analogy of employer/employee relationships. When my son is a teenager, many years from now, I intend to monitor all activities as necessary. I will use the same phrase my step-dad used for his employees; "trust, but verify." Loved the article!
All I can say is, eep! I am afraid. But I think I can see myself doing some of the same things when my kids get to the surly introverted teen years. It's so different from when I was a teenager---when all communications were filtered through the main house phone or the US mail. You've given me a lot to think about, and to have nightmares about. Thanks!
I completely agree with you and the author you quoted. When hubs and I were raising my stepson I told him right up front you have no right to privacy in this house. You want privacy get your own house! http://non-specificaccent.blogspot.com/
My daughter is only 14 months old so this isn't even close to an issue yet. But I like to think ahead. I gotta say when I first started reading I thought you were going way overboard but now I'm not so sure. There is so much craziness out there that hits kids at an age when they aren't mature/experienced enough to deal with it. Add on to that the fact that they probably won't come to their mom when something happens, well, that could make for a bad situation. I'm glad I have a while to think about it (and you've certainly given me lots to consider).
Looking back on my life, my mom didn't police my high school life but I only hung out with 5 friends regularly so I guess she didn't feel the need. Surprised the kids are not more careful with securing their facebook pages but I guess that comes with time and responsibility. http://sprocketswife.blogspot.com/
It feels like a million years ago that I was a teenager. My parents were involved, knew my friends and had no qualms about sticking their noses in when I thought they shouldn't. I remember being pissed that my mom read a letter I wrote to an older friend that was in college. I was talking about Riverbend, having a few adult beverages and that I would so do Norm from Real World even though he was gay. I was 18, just graduated from college and had yet to even have sex but to me Norm was CUTE and well. . .my mom hit the roof, used the letter against me and my parents grounded me. Of course I learned to be a bit more under the radar but that wasn't the last time I got busted for underage drinking. But then again, my drinking compared to peers was so little and my wildness didn't really get out of hand until I was out of college. And even then I was never that wild. Sure I resented it at the time but hindsight? She had every right because while I was paying for my car and insurance, it was in their name and they could have lost everything for one wrong decision I could have made. They are my parents and had every right to snoop. They paid for school, medical care, clothes, food, etc. As they have said in the past, my house, my rules. Should I have kids, I will do the same exact thing. Amy @ www.growingupandtryingtogetitright.wordpress.com
Yeah, I've done it: snooped, that is. In the 'olden days,' (i.e., six years ago) before every 3rd-grader had their very own cell phone, kids had to call on that antiquated thing called a 'land-line,' and I knew who was calling, and parents actually called another parent's house if their kid was going there, just to check that someone would be home. Hell, sometimes that wasn't even good enough. Once we went to a friend's 50th b-day party ONE MILE AWAY, and my then-16yo had kids over right after we left! We crashed the party (at our own house, you see) because Dad wasn't feeling well and we came home unexpectedly, sending kids scattering in all directions! And sometimes, even now, when my younger son occasionally forgets to sign out of his Facebook, hell yeah I check. I caught a ton of flack on another site when I confessed that, but, you know, too bad. I'm looking out for my boys, and fortunately it's not ever been anything worse than some stupid swearing/posturing sort of stuff that boys do, so...eh. As far as the the big picture goes, though, I do trust them. My younger son will be 18 next week, and will be away at college by this time next year, so I guess I'd better have my 'work' done by now. I think I've done OK. I NEVER walk in their rooms without knocking, though. I would like to say one thing about a few of the other commenters above me though, who still have very young kids: geez, enjoy your kids NOW. Don't PLAN on snooping, this is when you lay the foundation for NOT having to do so. This reminds me of recently when I had lunch with some family members and some people were discussing the college application process (me and two others, kids both 17), and someone (MAYBE MY STUPID SIL) jumped right in too, about what she had to had to do to get her son into Notre Dame. My nephew (oops! spoiler!) was in SIXTH GRADE at the time.
I agree with a lot of what you are saying and doing and I know you are trying to make a point and be funny, but I really take exception to you talking about a teenage girl that way. A slut? What a horrible word and terrible judgment on her. The daughter of a friend has been called that and yes, she behaves with boys in a way I don't condone. She was sexually molested as a 5-year old and her father died when she was 14. The behavior didn't come from thin air and I don't think it helps a child to be judged like that.
Since Facebook profiles are always private how do you get any info on a person via Facebook unless you first "friend" them? And why would a teenager "friend" an adult stranger? Just curious...
@ Kimberly--You can always visit other kids pages through your own child's page. For my younger teens I have their password, for my older ones I do not.
I'm smack dab in the middle of teen-age years. I have a 16 year old daughter and 13 year old son. We've chosen (hubby and I) to protect our kids in a couple of ways...1) no cell phone and 2) no Facebook or MySpace. Every time I consider letting my kids have either of these things, I have friends who share their horror stories of their kids having cell phones and Facebook/MySpace. Mostly these stories revolve around cyberbullying and "sex"ting. I do have their friends' cell phone numbers so I can track them down in they are out. We meet all of my daughter's dates before they go out. And I happen to work in the same middle school that my son attends so I keep tabs on him that way. I have friend who works in my daughter's high school so I keep track of her that way, as well. I do believe that while the kids are in our house, their right to privacy is limited and I don't feel bad when I check up on them.
I get it totally and I can already feel signs that I am going to be this way with my kids. In this day and age, there's just too many scary things out there to not be really. But, I was the daughter of a very nosey parent who didn't respect privacy at all and I can say I still resent that to this day. That's mainly because I never did anything to betray my parents trust--I was pretty much a goody-good throughout high school. If I had, I'd understand it more as a parent. So, there are two sides...
lindsay, i totally agree. my kid is only 10 and i'm already eavesdropping on conversations. i also go through his backpack every day... but that's more for checking up on assignments than friends. i leave no stone unturned. :)
Hey, Lindsay. Big time Lurker at your blog. This article really hit me because I am a therapist who specializes in working with teens, particularly teenage girls. Maybe I'll feel differently when I have children of my own, but for now, my opinion (personally and professionally) is that rather than to "snoop" is to have healthy boundaries on the front end. Make computer use in a public place in the house, let your kids know you monitor their computer/internet use, check and verify who/where they say they are going to be, let them know you could show up any minute and occasionally do show up. Communicate with other parents, have clear consequences for when rules are broken, ALWAYS be awake when your kid comes home. Have a reasonable curfew and stick to it...etc., etc. But, when it comes to diaries, letters, and emails, I'd respect their privacy unless I had reason or concern to snoop. Teens do need some outlet somewhere that they not share with their parents, and the last thing I want a teen to do is just really good at being sneaky. The hardest part about being the parent to teens, I think, will be that you don't get to control their decisions any longer (not in a healthy relationship anyway). They get to decide if to have sex, use drugs, drink, break laws, etc. All you get to do as the parent is set the boundaries, rules, and consequences for those choices. But if you try to control teens they will make an extra effort to show you just how little control you do have. My 2 cents... nicolesaylor.com
i appreciate your insight. my kids are all still young so we haven't had to worry about that too much yet. i would say i'm still forming my opinion, but you have given me very good fodder! i think that my hope is that we will have an open enough relationship to be able to talk about stuff. but if i have any suspicion that something is amiss, i will want to dig a little deeper, violation of privacy or no... myattkids.blogspot.com
I do think it's absolutely critical to one, share with your child that their e-mails/cell phone use/texts/computer usage may be monitored at any time. I also think it's critical to stress that you're not going to be poking around unless you have reason to believe that it's necessary. As long as that's established on the front end, there are no surprises if/when it happens. Beyond that, I think it's GREAT for a teen to know they might be monitored- For example, if the fact that I'm both of my girls' friend on Facebook makes them tone down their language a bit online or not post a questionable photo just in case I'm reading, well that sounds pretty good to me!
I love it! Take no prisoners! The diary, the computer, the cell phone! You keep those kids safe! Of course, you're going to have to be smart. They're going to start getting creative when they realize you mean business! http://labrules.tumblr.com
Hear, hear, Lindsay. We are the parents, they are the kids, teens or not. It's our job to raise them as best as we can and, sorry teens, that can mean some serious vigilance. I mean, I had to learn text lingo for this job!
I have to go back to the Columbine shooters...if their parents had known what they were doing, thinking, saying, planning, etc. via a Facebook page, a diary or whatever else, we would never have had to experience that tragedy. We as adults have no privacy at work, there are video cameras everywhere we go, so why should teenagers, whose brains aren't even fully developed yet, have the right to even more privacy than we do?
For what it's worth, in grammar school, high school, and college, I had two kinds of friends. Those who talked with their parents and those who didn't. The ones who did told their parents surprising amts of info. "Yes, I am having sex, but safely." Yes, I am drinking, but only on-campus." And so on. And the parents were, on the surface at least, grateful for the honesty. And when they didn't like the behavior, there were conversations about it. They didn't pry further behind their kids' backs. Then there were the kids who told their parents nothing, b/c the parents were known snoops and would, furthermore, use information against them. The kind who, when you're honest, crack down even harder. In my opinion, parents who are snooping and stalking are often missing the big picture. My parents never talked to me, but stopped at nothing when it came to invasions of privacy. And yet they missed one sister's full-blown eating disorder, another one's cutting, and the youngest's drug use. Totally struck out, even though they were diligently reading diaries, listening in on phone conversations, showing up at parties, bribing friends, etc. I know this communication stuff doesn't work for everyone, and that in some cases is insufficient in the face of larger problems. But I think all the snooping and prying should be more of a last resort, rather than a first line of offense. It's interesting how few commenters mentioned real, serious life-long communication as something that's vitally important. You can't start it when they're teens and you can't use it against them. And my evidence is anecdotal, not scientific. And again, it's not for everyone. There are exceptions. But I would have loved to talk to my parents. I wouldn't have expected them to give a free pass to dangerous behavior. But I bet I would have been a whole lot safer if they had actually talked to me about tough things.
