Rectal Diseases Wristband Fails to Catch On
Brown not the best color, leader concedes
The Rectal and Colon Coalition of Nashville (RACCON) says its efforts to raise awareness through the sale of brown wristbands have been a complete failure.
"We came too late to the wristband game," says RACCON head Dr. Henry Scorsoni. "All the good colors were taken, and we found out to our surprise that nobody wanted to wear a brown wristband with 'rectal health' on it."
When the dark brown bands went on sale at local shops and convenience stores last month, clerks noticed an immediate distaste among customers.
"We started calling them the 'shit bracelets,' " says Mapco clerk Stephanie Canniff. "We couldn't give them away—which is funny because all the other wristbands are flying out the door.
"It's kind of surprising that there are any uncured diseases or any unsolved social problems after this outpouring of support for all these causes."
Raising awareness and cash through the sale of rubber wristbands began only last year with bicycle racer and cancer survivor Lance Armstrong promoting yellow bands embossed with the slogan "Live Strong." The bands were an immediate success, becoming a fashion item among groups as diverse as urban hipsters and pandering politicians.
Naturally, in the cutthroat world of charitable fundraising, such success bred immediate imitation.
Soon there were green "support the troops" bands, red "live for Him" bands for Christians who literally want to wear their faith on their sleeves, blue wristbands in memory of tsunami victims, and purple wristbands to raise awareness of, among other causes, Alzheimer's patients, irritable bowel syndrome and abused animals.
"We thought our brown bands might get us a co-op deal with UPS, but they wouldn't even call me back," Scorsoni says. "I really wish we had gone with teal. I think drug addiction and sexual assault groups already have it, but it couldn't have done any worse for us than brown."
(The Fabricator is satire. Don't believe everything you read.)
"We thought our brown bands might get us a co-op deal with UPS, but they wouldn't even call me back," Scorsoni says. "I really wish we had gone with teal. I think drug addiction and sexual assault groups already have it, but it couldn't have done any worse for us than brown."
@Normal:(The Fabricator is satire. Don't believe everything you read.)
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