Did you find the elf on your shelf
during the Christmas season? He arrives this time of year (or whenever
you give $30 to the store where Santa keeps him) to spy on your
children and report their behavior—naughty or nice—to the North Pole.
Kids seem to love him (we guess they’re not yet old enough to have read
1984). Each day the elf moves to a new perch, and your children
sweep the room looking for Santa’s imbedded narc. Take our advice,
kids. Next year turn the tables on our little elf friend here. Take him
hostage and tell Santa you’ll let Hermie go when you get your Nintendo
Wii. Raincheck our ass. Then, after Santa has paid your toy ransom,
waterboard this Keebler reject until he runs screaming into the night
never to return. Celebrate your restored privacy, at least until you
open a MySpace or Facebook page or show up on Girls Gone Wild.