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Just a teaspoon of water from the Central Wastewater Treatment Plant is all the DEA needs to drug-test the city. Quick, everybody on TennCare, flush your stash of oxycodone and meperidine down the toilet. Wait! That’ll only make things worse. See if they make a municipal-sized Whizzinator. No? Damn! OK, all music industry people are on tour until further notice. Somebody needs to go get Constance Gee’s metal cigarette. Any Bonnaroovians still lurking around? No? Good. The rest of you start drinking plenty of cranberry juice and peeing outside at least once per day. And you elderly people, cut down on all that Viagra-fueled sex. Significant evidence of erectile dysfunction drugs won’t help our Kiplinger ranking.
