You are so Nashville if you need a war to sell records. —Joe Scutella

SECOND PLACE

You wonder if Bill Frist must have transplanted his heart into someone else. —Joe Scutella

THIRD PLACE

You intentionally drive drunk in hopes of promoting your new album. —Dana Delworth

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Only after Bart Durham left your family picnic did it dawn on you that he's not family. —Stacy Harris

Breaking out of jail is so easy, you could do it with one leg tied behind your back. —Rod Frank

You consider yourself a good parent because you don't let your children play around the meth lab. —Robert Moore

You feel vaguely snubbed by the cicadas. —Shakey Matlock

Your weekly "alternative" newspaper publicly endorsed 27 out of 40 Metro Council members it berates on a weekly basis. —Douglas Niedermeyer

And the rest...

Your church denomination has changed its name to LifeWay to confuse those who hate it. —Zack Bennett

You still think your church's worship leader is straight. —Scott Winchell

You've tirelessly spent the last few years trying to rhyme "Bin Laden." —Dan Watterson

Your "NO SPRAY" sign got sprayed down. —Katrina L. Anderson

You offered to personally buy Pedro Garcia's plane ticket to Miami. —Jennifer Castleman

You wonder what the other contestants must have looked like the year Rebecca Paul won Miss Indiana. —Chris Chamberlain

You see the invasion of wild coyotes and fire ants in Williamson County as payback for electing Marsha Blackburn. —Mari Roberson

Your first visit to the Frist Center was a bummer when you realized that the El Greco exhibit did not feature the former Titans kicker. —Jimmy McCollum

You thought Metro Council term limits seemed like a good idea at the time. —Sandy Moss

You've been Fisk's president. —Zack Bennett

Preserving historic and distinctive homes goes hand in hand with violating zoning regulations in your view. —Marc Jenkins

You would like to see Phil Williams investigate Larry Brinton—and vice-versa. —Michael Williams

You see the new Toyota commercials with Dan Walters and the new lady, and you think he's cheating on Ava Harvey. —Debbie Williams

You use a puppy for a pigskin. —Michael Dorr

You worry the Hays Mitsubishi girl is becoming the next Watson's girl. —Robert Saunders

You drive through Belle Meade to get a break on speeding. —Kris Lott

You are/were shocked at the Dancin' in the District price raise. —Sasha

You are sure it was that Kay West lady's review which killed the Cooker. —Jeff Jaymont

You spot the Watson's girl on the town. —Paul Winchester

You've received a personal thank-you note from Vanderbilt Chancellor Gordon Gee. —Matthew Pepper

You tried to go to Bonnaroo, but ended up at Fan Fair because of the traffic. —Kate L. Graves

Don Aaron shows up in your nightmares. —Zack Bennett

You cared more about four stray dogs in Berry Hill than one missing teenager in East Nashville. —Santos Lopez

You drive to a park (Percy Warner) to walk on a street (Belle Meade Boulevard). —Jim Day

Your dog has retained its own attorney. —Jason Bergeron

Ms. Cheap pisses you off. —Zack Bennett

You think that Marty Stuart and Wynonna took their DUIs more like a man than Steve McNair did. —Drew Klein

You've realized it's more practical to park on the ground level of the Green Hills 16 garage. —Zack Bennett

You watch Neil and Heather Orne each morning on News 2 just to see if they ever have a dispute. —Sheryl Day

You helped make "Dixie Chicked" a verb. —Joe Scutella

You went to see The Passion of the Christ instead of going to church during Easter week. —Kate L. Graves

You're still waiting patiently for the cicadas. —Denise Volz

Deep down, you knew that one day the amphitheatre would go back to being called Starwood. —Joel Bezaire

You've stopped at the Titans practice facility to ask directions to Metro Courts. —Zack Bennett

You and your wife are both 44 years old. You take her to a famous downtown bar. You are the youngest man there, and she is the oldest woman. —Louis Katzerman

When the CMA Music Festival and Bonnaroo happened in the same weekend, you were sure from the local news you should head straight to Kroger to stock up on bread, milk and toilet paper. —Sarah Brandon

You still have no frickin' clue what Vanderbilt did with their athletic department. —Zack Bennett

You blame all your failures on either Clear Channel or illegal downloading. —Bill Renfrew

You read Nashville Scene to see if there is another picture of someone mentioning their own business and latest fashion. —Sasha

You survived Fan Fair—or whatever it's called now. —Debra Williams

You wonder where you can score some of that "12-inch weed" your councilman is trying to outlaw. —Mari Roberson

You slip your demo tape into the bags of trick-or-treaters. —Rowland Stebbins

Your church is issuing PSLs to finance its new building. —Michael Dorr

You love everything about Nashville except the tourists. —Brian Tipton

Ludye Wallace has called you a racist. —Ian Barrett

You have a picture of yourself touching the butt of one of the "Musica" dancers on Music Row. —Matt Land

A little piece of you dies whenever you hear about another H.G. Hill store closing. —Zack Bennett

You're not really sure who to vote for for president, but you were appalled by Jeff Fisher's untucked polo and beard at the Titans' first preseason game. —Kate L. Graves

You can define "boo-boo lip." —Katherine Le Croy

You use your position as chief editor of a newspaper to fill the pages of that paper with your own fiction. —Rowland Stebbins

Your church group invites you to come to the fellowship hall to watch a bootleg copy of The Passion of the Christ. —Kaine Riggan

You haven't been here long enough to really know what being "so Nashville" is. —Abe Burson

Pedro Garcia has called you from his cell phone. —Michael Williams

On a sleepless night, you don't count sheep, but instead trace your way around Opryland theme park. —Zack Bennett

Those Bart Durham TV ads give you the creeps. —Jimmy McCollum

You yearn for the days when Metro Council members merely shoplifted trading cards from Target instead of forcing a Target store to be built in your neighborhood. —Clifton Kaiser

John Ashcroft asks you to drape your roundabout. —Michael Dorr

You started a prayer circle at church that the Titans keep Eddie George. —Jennifer Castleman

You still resent the TNN name change. —Zack Bennett

You spent your TennCare co-pay on lottery tickets. —Michele Chaffin

The mariachi band at your favorite Mexican restaurant knows "Rocky Top." —William C. Carter

You have a stump in your yard where a perfectly good tree used to be. —Isaac Wantland

You go to a Church of Christ, but have to explain, "not that kind of Church of Christ." —Phil Wilson

The president at your university is investigated for more wrongdoing than the athletic department. —Mari Roberson

The only reason you were upset about Pedro Garcia possibly leaving was that Larry Brinton's "Word on the Street" wouldn't be half as entertaining. —Jennifer Castleman

You're Nashville's longest-running TV weatherman and you've been coaxed to come back and host the 10 o'clock weather broadcast after "retiring" twice. —Zack Bennett

You take your 8-year-old to see four hours of torture in The Passion of the Christ, but you're horrified he saw an exposed breast during the Super Bowl. —Philip Marlowe

You've never put your SUV in four-wheel-drive. —Taylor Siegrist

You have ever invented a drinking game for the number of times Lisa Patton says "under the gun" during thunderstorms. —Brendan Stubblefield

You grab your guitar (with dollar signs in your eyes) and write a song after each national tragedy. —Dan Watterson

You called Pedro Garcia's cell phone to hear the greeting after Larry Brinton gave the number out on the news. —Kim Jeffries

You can't remember if Belmont or Lipscomb is "the Baptist school." —Zack Bennett

You consider yourself more Passion of the Christ than Fahrenheit 9/11. —Michael Dorr

You go to a diversity class, tell the attendees that you happen to be an atheist, and they try to convert you. —David Friedlander

You know which kind of Girl Scout Cookie Brooks and Dunn prefer. —Steve Boysen

You considered transferring your kids to Grassland Middle School to get in on the PTA meetings. —Robert Saunders

You're homeless and get your cart overturned onto you by the vigilante pizza delivery driver. —Ann Rodriguez

You noticed that The City Paper now has the same number of pages as your employee newsletter. —Chris Chamberlain

You've noticed there's a Vanderbilt University directional sign on Belmont's campus. —Zack Bennett

You eat in East Nashville, you shop in East Nashville, you hang out in East Nashville, but...you would never live in East Nashville. —Kathi Johnson

You remorsefully went to Tower Records to replace your Dixie Chicks CDs on your way home from seeing Fahrenheit 9/11. —Shakey Matlock

You move to Williamson County to get away from the drug problems in Metro schools and your child's middle-school principal is arrested for possession of marijuana. —Betsy Ames

You've driven down Music Row listening to a CD full of illegally downloaded songs. —Zack Bennett

You were the only one not to have a secret budget meeting with the city council. —Sam Vester

You're otherwise poorly educated, but can easily distinguish between Arabic and Korean. —Wando Weaver

You wore black for a week after Becker's closed. —L. Sisk

Every weekend you look forward to watching commercials on Channel 5 news to see Woody from Trickett jump out of his Element to pee on a car tire on live TV. —Brian Butler

You can't check out a library book on Fridays. —Clifton Kaiser

You think the only thing scarier than Glen Campbell's mug shot is a Papa John's employee with a shopping cart. —Terry Robertson

You leave a note to the guards apologizing for your successful escape from jail. —Mari Roberson

You can't see where Steve Gill has lost any weight. —Michael Williams

You woke up watching the Comedy Channel, but quickly realized it was a Metro Council meeting. —John L. Hickman

You've called TDOT to see if they'll let you propose on their over-the-road message boards. —Zack Bennett

You hope the next CSI is CSI-Dickerson Road. —David Carter

You've been in a traffic jam in the Baja Burrito parking lot. —Katrina L. Anderson

You're digging the West Meade gas war. —Joe Scutella

You miss the Slow Bar more than you miss your ex-girlfriend. —Scott Culp

You read Miami newspapers in order to find out what your school director is going to do next. —Brett Kmiec

Karen Hoff has eight cars parked in front of your house. —Chris Whitsett

You go to NashvilleBanner.com just to see what pops up. —Zack Bennett

You pray for Alan LeQuire's soul. —Ken Lass

You waited 17 years to see a cicada only to be let down. So very let down. —Jeremy Klein

You think you're too cool to wear a costume to a Halloween costume party. —Marc Westray

You can't imagine why anyone would call the TV ad for George Jones' sausage self-indulgent. —Stacy Harris

Every thunderstorm that passes over has "potential rotation." —Dave Keefer

You can make more money working for the lottery than winning it. —Greg Denton

You were banking on Miami to improve our public schools. —David Smith

You think the sun has set, but it is actually just on the other side of a Brentwood church. —Lucas Leverett

You caught yourself laughing at the "sperm fireworks" during the Fourth of July fireworks show at Riverfront Park this year. —Mali Mochow

Your dog has stopped to pee on one of the ceramic catfish. —Zack Bennett

Your church's attendance figures show up in Pollstar. —Scott Winchell

You thought the Nathan Bedford Forrest statue along I-65 was really Captain Crunch. —Bruce Mitchell

You've ever uttered the phrase "Wonder Twin Powers, Activate!" while driving by the Country Music Hall of Fame. —Kevin Tucker

You don't care if Pedro Garcia goes to Miami as long as Eddie George stays here. —Sandy Moss

Your Individual Retirement Account is called PowerBall. —Chris Whitsett

You stole the Loveless Cafe's artifacts and returned them when it made the news. —Zack Bennett

You find your daily Scripture readings in the Tennessean's letters to the editor. —Ross Scott

You won't buy a lottery ticket, but you have $500 on a Dixie Chick in your office celebrity DUI pool. —Drew Klein

You have heard Adam Dread explain his position on the gay anti-discrimination ordinance during 2-for-1 at Sam's. —Jeff Coker

You know where Ludye really lives. —Mandy Pepperidge

You use your Jevon Kearse jersey as a rag. —Zack Bennett

Upon seeing the success of Gretchen Wilson's "Redneck Woman," you just know Keith Urban will follow with his own "Redneck Metrosexual." —Melissa Green

You crowded Davis-Kidd for the David Sedaris reading but didn't help support Metro's gay rights bill. —Robert Saunders

You donated your mullet to the Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. —Michael Dorr

You have a Scenester card—AND USE IT! —Sasha

You're a producer, a manager, and a publisher—and still eat Ramen noodles nightly. —Katrina L. Anderson