You thought it was tough getting Cats tickets by phone? If you really want a vision of 1-800 hell, try imagining the overloaded circuits, excruciating on-hold times, and outpourings of spleen if our Tennessee Oilers instituted a toll-free suggestion and gripe number.

On second thought, you don’t have to worry. We all know our Tennessee Oilers won’t give away anything free, even if it’s just a piddly phone call.

Maybe that judgment seems harsh. Then again, it’s hard to recall many other new arrivals who have evidenced so few social graces, except maybe for the Borg on Star Trek.

Based on their front office’s performance, the Oilers can now join the Titanic, Bill Clinton’s “gays in the military” policy, the ’62 Mets, New Coke, the Edsel, and the Union Army at Bull Run in the dubious pantheon of bad beginnings.

By now, you’ve probably heard most of the complaints. Perhaps you’ve run afoul of Ticketmaster’s feckless operations, which have been so incompetent and inhospitable that you might suspect they were being run by the IRS.

Then there’s the team’s looking-a-gift-horse-in-the-mouth pronouncement that its new practice facility in Bellevue is unacceptably small. And a team official’s tactless dismissal of complaints about high ticket prices for preseason games. (Nashvillians, he suggested, need to be “educated” on the cost of NFL entertainments.) And the grubby attempt to wangle money from Memphis to cover team travel costs. And Bud Adams’ bailout on his promise to rechristen the Oilers.

And those are just the Nashville problems of the team without a city. Down I-40, in the cultural capital of Mississippi, the Oilers have landed in even more of a sho-nuf mess.

When they leased the Liberty Bowl, Bud’s boys apparently underestimated both the willingness of Nashville fans to visit Memphis and the profound indifference of Memphians to a team they could never really call their own. The Oilers’ most recent “home” contest was attended by 17,000 people and, appropriately, by a distinctively organic odor that wafted in from the livestock pavilions next door. Prospects for improved attendance appear dismal as long as the team lives in Nashville and works in Memphis.

Some of the Oilers’ present difficulties might benignly be ascribed to growing pains or bad luck. For example, except for winning every week the team can do little to overcome the sullenness of Memphians.

Certainly, the Oilers are not directly to blame for Ticketmaster’s snafus. The unavoidably last-minute nature of the team’s mid-summer move from Houston has contributed to the organization’s apparent disorganization, and a two-front operation makes for squirrelly communications. You might even suggest, were you particularly charitable, that the compressed move and limited preparation time for a new season have temporarily diverted the team’s energies from relationship-building.

Many of the Oilers’ woes, however, seem to stem from sheer indifference to community relations, or what some folks around here call bad manners. You don’t have to be a stadium opponent to believe that the Oilers, like some imperious house guest, have behaved as if they expect Nashvillians to coo and genuflect over their mere presence.

It’s as if the team had sought out the aid of the same PR soothsayers who advise the Windsors. “We don’t need to solicit stories,” one local writer was told by a condescending team official. “We’re the NFL.”

Yeah, well, this particular outpost of the NFL could stand some powerful off-the-field help. League officials are concerned about the Oilers’ poor showing at the gate. NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue and Mayor Phil Bredesen talk regularly, but you can fairly surmise that their phone chat last week didn’t center around the correct time to plant fall bulbs.

While some observers suggest that things will be hunky again once the Oilers begin playing in Nashville, there also is reason to worry that, if things don’t change, the budding relationship between team and city will be strained for years. And until the Oilers become a source of civic pride, they’ll inevitably provide a lightning rod for criticism of Metro’s budget priorities.

“Sure, I’m concerned,” Bredesen says. “I want [the Oilers] to be successful as a team, since they’re going to be our team for the next 30 years.”

The team’s image problems, the mayor suggests, are “not insuperable.” Nonetheless, he says, “I’m trying to convey to [the Oilers] the urgency of dealing with these things.”

Bredesen—who attended the Oilers game in Miami but hasn’t yet seen them play in Memphis—won’t reveal what suggestions he has made to the team’s management. So we’d like to take it upon ourselves to offer our Tennessee Oilers some well-intentioned advice.

Bust out of Memphis. For you, the Bluff City isn’t just purgatory; it’s hell. Finagle a way out of next season’s Liberty Bowl lease. They’re losing money on you anyhow. Better to play in front of 40,000 at Vanderbilt’s luxury suite-less stadium. Speaking of which:

Suck up to Vanderbilt. Drop this hooey about making them add 10,000 seats (particularly when they’re outdrawing you). Bribe them with gifts. Right now, you need them a lot worse than they need you.

Watch what the Nashville NHL people are doing. Steal their ideas, like the “Ice Bash.” By selling their product and not merely presenting it, and by giving locals a sense of ownership in the team, the hockey folks drew a crowd last weekend whose size approached yours. And they didn’t even play a game.

Get Bud out of the house more. We know Bud doesn’t like to hobnob. But you have allowed his image in Nashville to be dictated, unchallenged, by the venomous word-of-mouth from Houston. Bud’s not a bad guy. But until you let people here see that, they’ll never believe it.

Clone Jeff Fisher. Contact those sheep researchers now. So far, Fisher looks like the only guy in the organization who has any sense about building fan loyalty.

Don’t make the coaching staff and players into scapegoats. Sure the team is struggling. And, sure, winning would cure many ills. But young teams, especially young QBs, require patience.

Act like you care. A few community-minded gestures might reassure taxpayers that they weren’t naive goobers to vote for your cushy stadium deal. Charter a few buses to each game in Memphis and let 1,000 fans ride free. Host free tailgate parties at the new stadium site. If acres of seats are available at the Liberty Bowl (no problem there), give some to youth groups. All of these efforts, of course, will cost money. Think of it as an investment. Kind of like the one we made in you.

Please, lose the attitude. Nashville doesn’t need it. We’ve already got Reba.

How it looks from the La-Z-Boy

LSU 27, Vanderbilt 10

Tennessee 20, Ole Miss 12

Alabama 28, Kentucky 23

Auburn 31, South Carolina 14

Georgia 24, Mississippi State 14

Florida 52, Arkansas 7

Florida State 30, Miami 21

Iowa 24, Ohio State 17

Stanford 20, Notre Dame 17

Nebraska 31, Kansas State 17

Seahawks 24, Oilers 17