No sale
Insurance agent disqualified due to use of performance enhancing drug
Local life insurance agent Jennifer Coleman was disqualified from collecting a commission on a large sale after she tested positive for the performance enhancing drug caffeine, sources in the industry confirm.
"I've seen the results of that test, and her system was clearly loaded with caffeine when she had the meeting with the client," says a source familiar with the test results.
"We thought Jennifer was really on top her game that day," says a colleague who assisted Coleman in the presentation, which resulted in the now-voided sale of the $2 million policy. "Of course we had no idea that she was fueled by a performance enhancing substance—we just thought she had turned her personality up a notch. Thinking back, though, she would never have been that awake for an 8 a.m. meeting without the aid of something."
Coleman, whose company follows federal guidelines for testing for performance enhancing substances, tested positive for caffeine in both her urine and blood, sources say.
According to those familiar with the caffeine underworld, coffee, a bitter black drink, known by its street names of "java" or "Joe," is often used as a caffeine delivery device. To make the drink palatable, users often lace it with sugar or milk.
"What the crack house was to the '90s, the coffeehouse is to this decade," says a Metro narcotics squad officer. "Caffeine is everywhere, it's cheap, and in some circles it's even socially acceptable. This is a really difficult drug to combat."
Most caffeine is grown in Third World countries by peasant farmers who give no thought to the faraway American cities where the drug will be sold and enslave so many. "It's a way for these poor farmers to earn a living," says the police source. "The addiction, the agitation, the overly perky demeanor of users is the furthest thing from their minds."
The customer for the insurance, local business owner Scott Lee III, bought a policy from another insurance agent who competed for his business without the aid of a chemical substance.
"You really want to reward people who don't rely on drugs for their performance," he says. "That caffeine is nasty stuff. So I've heard."
(The Fabricator is satire. Don't believe everything you read.)
