Love in the Time of Ushanka
A husband's ugly Russian hat leaves his wife needing a doctor, and we don't mean Zhivago
by Lindsay Ferrier
As a general rule, my husband and I get along pretty well. I like to think it's because we're very similar and see eye-to-eye on everything ... well, almost everything. The only point on which we can't agree is on what constitutes appropriate attire. He mocks my pointy-toed shoes and calls them "witchy"; I wince each time he wears the bolo tie he bought on a lark in New Mexico. He has no appreciation for the oversized scarves I've taken to winding around my neck until I resemble the Michelin man; I roll my eyes each time he pulls out his "vintage" bodybuilder tank tops for the gym.
At times, our fashion battles have been epic. There was, for example, The Great Pajama Bottom Controversy of '08, when Hubs wore a pair of holiday-themed flannel pants to coach an indoor soccer game and I had to sit red-faced in the stands, listening to the amused comments. When we got home, I pleaded with Hubs to reserve his jammies for the bedroom.
"They're not jammies!" he retorted. "They're Zoobas!"
"What are Zoobas?!" our 14-year-old asked.
"Eighties weightlifting pants."
It was worse than I had realized. "Hubs," I said. "Old Navy sold them to me with the understanding that you would be wearing them as pajamas. Not Zoobas. That makes Old Navy look bad. And another thing. They're Christmas pants."
"They're not!" he said. "They're pirate pants! Look! Skulls!"
"Skulls wearing red and green Santa hats."
"Those are pirate hats!"
"Pirates don't wear POMPOMS at the ends of their hats!" I hissed.
"Well, I don't care. I like my Zoobas and I'm going to wear them," he declared. And he did.
Equally bad was the Very Ugly Trousers Debacle of '07. Hubs found a great online deal on a pair of red trousers and ordered them. When they arrived, we learned why they were so cheap.
"They're not red, they're coral!" I said as we both stared glumly at his purchase. "Send them back!"
"But they were only 10 dollars," he said.
"Returning them would be more trouble than it's worth. I'll find a use for them," he said. "I'll wear them to work."
"Ha ha!" I shouted after him. "Very funny!" He didn't answer, but I hoped he got the message.
He didn't.
A few days later, Hubs wore the trousers to work. I said nothing, imagining his co-workers would say for me what needed to be said. But when he returned home that evening, he had a big smile on his face. "Everyone was talking about my trousers," he said.
"And what were they saying?"
"Stuff like, 'Are you a metrosexual now?' " He looked pleased.
I sighed. "Hubs, you've got to get rid of those trousers! They are totally fugly."
"No they're not!" he laughed. Then he paused and grew serious. "Yes, they are," he said quietly. "But I don't like to waste things."
That's when I understood that my husband's occasionally misguided sense of style wasn't so much about trying to be different. It was about conservation. Why get new pants when he had a brand-new (albeit coral) pair hanging in the closet?
This season, Hubs' fashion troubles have come to a head. Literally. Each year when it snows, my husband dons a Russian hat known as an ushanka to do live reports for Channel 4 News. In the past, it didn't elicit much more than the occasional chuckle. But between last year and this one, something happened to that hat, something that can be summed up in this Tweet I happened to catch online from a Channel 4 viewer:
"What died on Dennis Ferrier's head?"
That was harsh, but I had to admit the woman had a point. A close look at the hat revealed that its wool interior had become matted. Its earflaps sagged. Its sheepskin was worn and discolored. It looked as if our dog had perhaps used the ushanka as a plaything at some point, and it also seemed to have shrunk, since Hubs no longer wore it pulled down over his ears, but instead perched it atop his head like a child's hat made of newspaper.
"Hubs," I said gently, after yet another one of my readers made a reference to seeing "that hat thing" on television. "I think it might be time to retire the ushanka."
He bristled. "I've had that hat for 20 years," he said.
"I know," I replied. "That's kind of my point."
"People like the ushanka!" Hubs insisted. "It makes them laugh!"
"And not in a good way!" I retorted.
That was it. While we're ordinarily the best of friends, Hubs glared at me as though I'd just said I'd bought a $500 ticket to see Sarah Palin. I glowered back at him like he'd announced another school snow day. And that's when I realized that while we had vowed to love each other for better or for worse, in sickness and in health ... we'd never said anything about ushankas.
Read more Suburban Turmoil at www.suburbanturmoil.com.
Comments (25)
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Fashion taste and love don't always got together; I used to vow that I would never date a man who wore a skinny belt. These days I like how my husband dresses, and he's also 7 years younger than I am, so a lot of times he's more up on what the cool kids are doing than I am. As for the ushanka....I think one of the fur men's hats from your style blog might be in order! http://workingclassstudies.wordpress.com/2010/02/08/oscar-at-work/
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I'm so glad someone else has this issue. I love my H, but man, some days he doesn't have a clue. I've started to just roll my eyes unless it's really bad. And "fugly" is one of my favorite words! http://melsenplace.wordpress.com/
You would think they would have a stylist at the station who would put their foot down and declare the hat off limits - they have a reputation to think of. Still, if the hat gets people talking - or tuning in to see if there is a ushanka sighting - it could help ratings. Perhaps you could plant a new hat with one of his coworkers, and have the coworker approach Hubs, saying he had just bought the hat, didn't like it, and was going to toss it out - think Hubs would snap it up as a bargain? Methinks the only way the ushanka will bite the dust is if it can be replaced with something that is even more of a "bargain". http://www.quiltbabe8.blogspot.com/
My husband's clothing has been one of our biggest clashes as well. He criticizes my clothing freely but says, "You want to look nice, don't you?" When I return the favor he accuses me of trying to control him like the overbearing wife in the 1980s movie 'Dad'. www.admafrica.blogspot.com
Yep... Been there, done that, have the t-shirt to prove it. I have now trained my husband to run any new purchases by me. If I didn't his entire wardrobe would consist of black, gray, denim, and shirts one size too big (in black, gray, and denim). Good luck! http://courtenaysbo.blogspot.com
hahahahahaha. My pop used to wear something like that when me and my brothers were teenagers. He'd come pick us up from whatever event was going on and inwardly I'd groan when I'd see him come walking in with what looked like a hat that belonged to the Kremlin perched on his head. www.thislifeinwriting.com
I learned early on in our marriage that my husband did not welcome my constructive criticisms of his fashion choices when he uttered this line (now famous in our household)- "Would you just STOP? I am NOT your life-size Ken doll!" Oh, but if only he were...
this is an issue EVERY DAY. My Hubby "saves" his clothes. Like I buy him casual wear for the weekend and such and he won't wear it because he is "saving" it. He wears old crappy t shirts and sweatshirts and crappy jeans. I ask him what he is saving them for...he doesn't know. It makes me nuts! T http://bullinachinashopmom.blogspot.com/
Ha! I oftne cringe when my hubby, who has a closet full of khakis and nice shirts, wears the same polo, jeans, and hoody to church every week. To make matters worse, he plays guitar on stage, so everyone else can see, too! Ugh. I've learned not to say anything, though, because it only raises my blood pressure. ;) http://mandiesmumblings.blogspot.com
My teens were always mortified by my husband's poor fashion sense. And when they outgrew that mortified teen stage, they became the worst enablers of all time! Not a birthday or Christmas goes by without one of the girls giving dad something completely horrendous. It's kind of a game... can we find something that he WON'T wear? So far, not.
Totally feeling your pain. I quickly re-vamped mainbains closet when we got married, and extricated some doc martens. don't think I've ever admitted that one. I am fortunate to have married a man who defers to my fashion sense; no coral pants there...not that he doesn't attempt fashion faux pas every now and then, a certain mock-turtle neck comes to mind. Perhaps we should start a movement for all the parenthetical statements that should be added to marriage vows...or NOT! no one would ever get married then.
Wow, so it doesn't get any better. My boyfriend and I have the same conversations and I keep hoping he'll outgrow it... guess not - of course he is 28 - bet most "fugly" habits are hard habits by now... bspeight,blogspot.com
Too funny! It's so nice to know I'm not alone on the fashion fights with the significant other! All of my friends seem to have husbands that actually listen to them or care about the way they look! I have kind of given up and just let him do his own thing which is pretty much letting him wear his "uniform"-- a short sleeve button down shirt that must have a pocket for dog treats and either jeans or khakis. Wouldn't be bad except he rotates wearing the same five shirts until they are rags! Anyway, I only fight the good fight on special occasions. It is what it is. Maybe one day Stacy and Clinton will ambush him! (One can only hope!) www.JourneysAndDetours.com
Fashion is the always the dividing line that forces me to remember that my husband and I are truly separate people, and that wives should not be judged upon (or condemned for) their husband's stubborn "tastes."
Wow, I can relate to this almost a little too much. My husband has a "party hat" he likes to wear in the summer when we have cookouts or beach days. It's a puke green fisherman's hat that hangs around his face in the most unappealing manner. The only redeeming quality to the hat is the Red Sox patch on its front, but that's not enough to forgive the rest of the fashion nightmare. One day the hat mysteriously disappeared. "Where is my party hat?", he accused. In all honestly I don't know, but I imagine the dryer took pity on me and ate it. Or better yet it got sucked down a "what were you thinking" black hole.
My last foray into this area was Mother's Day a few years ago. My husband's parents were visiting and we had planned to take them to a "nice" restaurant. I'm wearing a dress and he puts on old jeans and an old button down shirt - the buttons justify dressing up. He then looks at me and says "how do I look", I was honest and somehow it escalated into a seriously unnecessary fight. I just don't care anymore. I knew he had blah taste in clothes when I met him, it hasn't changed, it's not going to change but at least he wears the clothes I buy him which can go a long way and I can say there are no red/coral pants in his wardrobe :) http://sprocketswife.blogspot.com/
At least he knows what he's wearing... my husband has no idea what he puts on... for years I've joked with friends that as long as I take the tags off and wash it, he will blindly wear anything I put in his closet...completely unaware... this is great if you want to change his style bit by bit, but in our current home we share one closet, so you can imagine my reaction last Saturday morning when I woke up to find him drinking coffee at the table in my sweater... I think it's time for color coded hangers... http://highmaintenanceaspirations.blogspot.com
I've noticed the crazy hats on reporters this year-sign of all the bad weather! And most of the time their co-workers even have things to say about them (not positive things, though!). I laughed out loud when you talked about the 80s workout pants - I was on a treadmill yesterday next to someone in my town who would be the person who wore those pants - and probably still wears them around his house!!
My hubby & I completely disagree about attire. He will wear clothing until it is full of holes, even holes in inappropriate places...uh, I don't think you should wear those in public... We have informally, non-verbally decided to let each other be...that's the secret to a good marriage, I've decided. http://motheringmayhem.com
This hysterical piece made me ask myself a question: Why does it seem all grown men need Grananimals?? I wrote a post about it: http://itsnoteasybeingperfect.blogspot.com/2010/02/why-do-grown-men-need-garanimals.html Thank you so much for your funny stories. I look forward to reading your blog(s)! They're wonderful...
Ladies - men wear things until they fall apart because they don't want to "waste" that last good wear that they can get out of it, even though that last good wear was three years ago. We wear clothes that we believe are appropriate to a social situation regardless of whether you think it is appropriate because we don't want to be dressed by our mommies anymore - even though we should be. We believe that jeans and a button down shirt is fine for going to a restaurant because they are, unless it is a truly fancy place, in which case we'll change from jeans to chinos, but with the same shirt. Formal wear involves a tie, which includes the one with the fishing lure motif. On the other hand, I gotta agree - the Zoobas and ushankas have got to go! Common, Dennis, give them a decent burial. Oh, and the coral pants? Give them to Goodwill and take a write off - 50 cents ought to do it. Cheers.
Lindsay, that was hilarious. And while I can feel your pain, I find it completely endearing and commendable that your husband doesn't want to waste anything. I'd rather have a husband with strong character than one with good fashion sense. Give him my kudos. shawna-mygirls.blogspot.com
