Local Liberals Declare War on New Year’s
Stay-at-home plans damage economy, talk show host declares
Having succeeded in winning the “war on Christmas” by wishing their friends “happy holidays,” local liberals Ben and Jennifer Veirs have now declared war on the traditional New Year’s celebration.
“We just started getting movies from Netflix not long ago, so we thought we would stay home, maybe pop some popcorn, watch a movie or two, and have a champagne toast at midnight,” Jennifer says.
“It’s pretty low-key, but I think we’ll enjoy it,” Ben adds. “We really enjoy just being together.”
“Next day, we’ll also probably get up pretty early and go for a walk at Radnor Lake—that’s our New Year’s Day tradition,” Jennifer says. “It’s chilly out there, but really a nice way to start the year.”
Ben even admits the Veirs’ war on New Year’s is intentional.
“We don’t really like the whole noisy, drunken traditional celebration,” he says.
But the Veirs’ plans don’t sit well with some who favor a more traditional New Year’s Eve celebration.
“The liberals are at it again,” fumed radio talker Phil Valentine when told of the Veirs’ stay-at-home New Year’s. “They are in cahoots with the pagans, ignoring and flouting all the traditional New Year’s Eve trappings, and hurting our local econonmy to boot.
“Here’s how you can tell they are liberals—no noisemakers, no singing ‘Auld Lang Syne’ out the window of a rented limo, no drinking too much in a ballroom full of strangers and then stumbling to a rented room in a downtown hotel.
“Their plans contribute almost nothing to the economy, and I’ll bet they’d be the first to whine when the hotel has to lay off Juan the busboy or Maria the maid because there wasn’t enough business. They make me sick.”
(The Fabricator is satire. Don’t believe everything you read.)
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