Recognizing that state lawmakers are flat failing to do their jobs, we have devised some revenue-generating strategies to bolster the anemic state budget. We have also included some cost-saving initiatives. Any consultant fee can be paid into the state education fund:

♦ On the model of Eddie’s Sports Grille, construct a classroom with a thick glass wall on one side. Professional athletes can stop by and pay to watch kids read.

♦ Liberal opponents of President Bush’s callow “tax relief” program can endorse their checks over to the state Department of Education.

♦ Legislators could each bring a root vegetable to session come January. Each lawmaker would then add the veggies to a large pot. Whoever has the floor at a given time would also be in charge of stirring this soup, which would feed everyone.

♦ Corporations could get a card punched for each tax break or other incentive they receive. When every hole is punched, it’s pay-back-the-taxpayers time.

♦ Realizing that Metro schools simply can’t come up with discretionary funds for class projects and field trips, celebrity bikers such as Lorenzo Lamas and Antonio Banderas could lead a “Wheelie Down West End” pledge drive.

♦ As public servants, lawmakers should enroll their own children in public schools to make the quality of public education a more personal, and therefore pressing, issue.

♦ Sell lobbyist Nelson Biddle’s outlandish outfits on eBay, with the money, of course, going to cover the budgetary shortfall.

♦ Put a tip rail at Legislative Plaza. They’ll know what to do.

♦ Use kids with low test scores for stem cell research. Presto change-o: higher test scores and lower education costs.

♦ Run the state budget document through the T’inator Mr. T. translator program. Strongly worded passages would pack even more punch when peppered with “I pity the fools” and “enough jibba jabba.”

♦ Quarter beer night at Market Street to raise money for the children.

—By Chris Davis


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