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The Volunteer State Dance Challenge was held at the Doubletree Hotel this past weekend. While many were thrilled to see professional ballroom dancers execute traditional steps from the fox-trot to the samba, most spectators couldn’t stop talking about the freestyle offerings. They hated them. Space and decency prohibit us from showing you even the dance step diagrams, but we can list their names. You’ll just have to imagine how truly awful they actually were.

♦ Condit conga

♦ Death penalty polka

♦ Standing lapdance

♦ Rivergate riverdance

♦ Hillbilly hula

♦ Pas de dumb

♦ Jumbo mambo

♦ Oversized rumpshaker

♦ Lard-ass lambada

♦ Heimlich maneuver minuet

♦ Lizzie Grubman backpedal

♦ Income tax side step

♦ Marky Mark’s monkey merengue

♦ Ted Nugent’s wango tango

♦ The uncomfortably intimate hokey-pokey

♦ Really white man’s overbite

♦ Frug you

♦ Y.M.C.A. waltz

♦ Achy breaky lindy

♦ The two-man mosh

♦ The Perry March

♦ Budget limbo

—By Jonathan Harwell Jr.

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