Through a source, Scene staffers obtained an early rough sketch of Bill Clinton’s list of presidential pardon recipients. What follows are the names of some of the candidates for clemency who ultimately didn’t receive pardons, and Clinton’s rationale for considering them:
♦ Newt Gingrich “I realize that a congressman of Gingrinch’s stature must have an extremely hectic schedule. I’m sure that he simply forgot month after month to pay child support.”
♦ John Travolta“It really hurt to see Primary Colors; Battlefield Earth was worse. But his multi-million-dollar movie salaries increase his status within the Church of Scientology. I believe America is a land of many faiths. Surely we have room for the worship of money.”
♦ Axl Rose“Axl, as an icon of male hypersexuality, you take on certain responsibilities. Therefore, I find it in extremely poor taste, not to mention an embarrassment to the headbangers of America, to sue your supermodel girlfriend for domestic violence. All the same, I look forward to hearing your next project.”
♦ Corky from TV’s Life Goes On“I know for a fact that Corky didn’t mean to shoot his TV father. After all, ‘he’s Corky’s dad too.’ ”
♦ Bo and Luke Duke“Some day the mountain might get ’em. But [I’ll see to it] that the law never will.”
♦ Bill GatesNo explanation needed.
♦ Neil Bush“Oops! I almost forgot that his daddy and the U.S. taxpayers bailed him out years ago.”
♦ Oliver Stone“Just agree to make no more movies.”
♦ Anna Nicole Smith “I’ll pardon her just in case. She does stand to inherit half-a-billion dollars. And after all, I am a breast man.”
by Chris Davi
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