There are some people who would do well not to buy into the upcoming Hallmark holiday that requires most of us to express our romantic love and commitment with shallow, mass-produced gifts of cards, candy, teddy bears, shiny balloons, and the like. That’s because, well, they aren’t going to get anywhere with that stuff, or anything else for that matter. Many of us will quickly discard those shallow tokens, but at least have someone to hang onto on Valentine’s Day. Others won’t. Here are some signs that you’ll be spending Valentine’s Day alone:

♦Y ou’re the outgoing president and your spouse just became a senator

♦ Your wife has been spending a lot of time with her tennis instructor, but her serve hasn’t improved at all

♦ Your combover starts at your armpit

♦ The last time you had a date you went to Fountain Square

♦ Your girlfriend asked if you wanted to go to that hot new spot in the Gulch and you told her that you’ve been going to the Madam X Bookstore for years

♦ You think John Ashcroft is a little too liberal

♦ You destroyed a historic train shed so you could build a parking garage

♦ You have an appointment that day with an Access Med Plus doctor

♦ You’re waiting on a check from In Review to pay for dinner

♦ You stay in every Friday to watch Nash Bridges

♦ You wet your pants and the police caught it on videotape

♦ Your dotcom went belly up and you’re whining that the market wouldn’t give you a chance

♦ You’re a world-famous minister who counsels presidents in times of great personal stress

♦ When people ask if you’ve seen Sex in the City, you say, “Not since the Classic Cat closed down”

♦ You’re a Metro Council member whose consistent nightclub line is, “I’ve got your zoning ordinance right here, baby”

♦ Your wife is doing a movie with Russell Crowe


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