List
When the ancient Greeks pondered the future of the Olympic Games, do you suppose they envisioned events such as Ballroom Dancing and Bowling? The International Olympic Committee, fresh from the Salt Lake City debacle, is now broadening the domain of the Olympic “athlete” to include some ridiculous new events. Undoubtedly NBC has something to do with this as well.
♦ Twenty-six mile hurdles
♦ Rhythmic smoking
♦ Speed sweating
♦ Greco-Roman bathing
♦ Synchronized napping
♦ Triple hump
♦ Eleven-athlon
♦ Hammer catch
♦ Greased-up pommel horse
♦ Super heavyweight red rover
♦ Ebola-infected monkey relay
♦ Blindfolded lawn dart free-for-all
♦ Piñata stomping
♦ Freeze tag
♦ Groin judo
♦ Full-contact shuffleboard
♦ Steroid-enhanced tetherball
♦ Beat the crap out of that crocodile hunter guy
♦ Tag team shot-put
♦ Nude fencing
♦ The Pepsi challenge
♦ Freestyle smackdown
♦ The Richard Jewel stake-out competition
♦ Jumping around in tights with non-dairy whipped topping and a megaphone
—by Jonathan Harwell Jr.
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