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Let’s face it, New Year’s resolutions often become unfulfilled good intentions. Why torture ourselves with improved health regimes and productive habits? Try these easy-to-keep resolutions for a small-goals approach to the new millennium.
Enjoy nature’s majestic and bountiful wildlife: Kill it and mount it on your wall
Be abusive and hard to please with restaurant workers, then leave a lousy tip
Start smoking
Learn the location of your local library and jeer theliterate
Tell people you love them only if there’s the possibility of sex
Adopt a highway road cone
Spend more time with old people as long as they aren’t senile and drooling
A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, a sensible dinner and two pounds of raw bacon
Pester people for free stuff
Blink more
Get to know your neighbors, then roll their trees withtoilet paper
Stop sleeping your way to the top, start back-stabbing your way to the top (music industry types only)
Play indiscriminately with fire
Let the bodily noises fly
Loot
Swear off resolutions
Recent Comments
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Re: Stephen Fincher Loves Government Handouts, Just Not for the Poor
Tisk tisk tisk
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on May 23, 2013
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Re: The Crackdown
I was at Cleopatra it was awsoooooooooome
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on May 22, 2013
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Re: Whose Faith & Values Is The Tennessean Covering?
@Senor Sardonicus: So, Zombie, you finally discovered peyote. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
- on May 22, 2013
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Re: Whose Faith & Values Is The Tennessean Covering?
I agree that The Tennessean should have broader coverage; ie> coverage of other religions and…
- on May 22, 2013
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Re: Whose Faith & Values Is The Tennessean Covering?
@davidlongfellow: What are you implying? The killers explanation for the beheading makes perfect sense to…
- on May 22, 2013
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