Looking into our crystal ball, we predict the following news events in the year 2000:
♦ Gov. Don Sundquist calls another special legislative session and scales back his tax-reform package yet again. This time, he asks only for a $1 tax to be paid by each adult male wearing gold chains who enters the Deja Vu nightclub.
♦ Lawmakers refuse to vote on this new plan and abruptly adjourn. At a press conference, the governor twitches uncontrollably after WSMV-Channel 4’s Dennis Ferrier asks, “Isn’t it easier to tax striptease joints than it is to fix the budget?”
♦ The Tennessee Family Institute releases a report calling for a state program to euthanize kittens and recommending that former TennCare director Brian Lapps direct the new agency.
♦ Mayor Bill Purcell refuses to give an opinion on whether the sound of birds singing in the woods is a good thing. But he releases a statement reading: “You know what I think about birds singing in the woods. I think what you think. This is a vital issue, and my sense is that there is a desire by all involved to get to the bottom of it.”
♦ The Metro Council passes a resolution urging Nashville to observe the Fourth of July on the Eighth of July, moving the holiday from a weekday to the weekend. Council member Lynn Williams explains that the sound of exploding fireworks might awaken children and make them sleepy in school the next day.
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