How to tell a secret admirer from a stalker 

Secret Admirer: Sees you through rose-colored glasses.
Stalker: Watches you through night goggles.

Secret Admirer: Loves your perfume.
Stalker: Gargles it.

Secret Admirer: Gives you a teddy bear.
Stalker: Boils your rabbit.

Secret Admirer: Surprises you with hockey tickets.
Stalker: Surprises you in a hockey mask.

Secret Admirer: Likes piña coladas, taking walks in the rain.
Stalker: Shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Secret Admirer: Gives you heart-shaped box.
Stalker: Gives you heart-filled box.

Secret Admirer: Sends you roses.
Stalker: Mails you his ear.

Secret Admirer: Hums "My Funny Valentine."
Stalker: Whistles "Every Breath You Take."

Secret Admirer: Cried at The Notebook.
Stalker: Cried at Cape Fear.

Secret Admirer: Zodiac sign: Libra.
Stalker: Letters signed: "Zodiac."

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