Holiday News Roundup 

Woodbine resident Nancy Jarnigan says she has a really bad feeling that she may be getting a vacuum cleaner for Christmas this year.
Woman fears vacuum cleaner gift Woodbine resident Nancy Jarnigan says she has a really bad feeling that she may be getting a vacuum cleaner for Christmas this year. “I thought I had this all straightened out, since that year with the toaster,” she says. “But [husband] Rob has been paying way too much attention to those vacuum cleaner commercials with that guy with the Australian—or whatever it is—accent.” In a separate interview, Rob confirms that he is in fact planning to surprise his wife with one of the industrial-looking, pricey Dyson vacuums. “This isn’t like that toaster thing at all,” he says defensively. “This is a really cool addition to our home, and since it costs, like, 600 bucks, I’m sure it will do a much better job than our Hoover, and we’ll vacuum way more often. She’ll love it!” Muslim accused of being bad Christian Local resident Emad Mohammed says he has recently endured lectures from alleged Christians who were upset at being wished “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” “I wish everybody ‘Happy Holidays,’ says Mohammed, who owns a small market on Charlotte Avenue. “There’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year’s—I don’t worry about which ones somebody might observe, and that covers them all. But a customer told me last week that I was a bad Christian because I didn’t say ‘Merry Christmas.’ I told her I’m not a bad Christian. I’m a good Muslim. “She said she was going to take her business to a Christian-owned small market, and I just wished her good luck.” Christmas with Black Sabbath still rocks The long-out-of-print Christmas album by Black Sabbath is still a highlight of Bellevue resident Cameron Calabrese’s holiday season, he reports. “I keep a turntable just so I can play this record,” the 49-year-old says. “I crank it up, and the kids and I decorate the tree to Geezer Butler’s bass solo on ‘Away in a Manger.’ These guys blow Bing Crosby’s ass away.” (The Fabricator is satire. Don’t believe everything you read.)

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