Holiday Guide 2009
Good Citizen Soldiers,
On the eve of this holiday season, we must prepare for war. Women and men! Citizens and comrades! Together we look the Great Holiday Consumer Challenge in its beastly eyes, and we shall emerge as victors!
But there are many enemies on this battlefield. Long lines, which coil around the throats of our allotted family time, are ready to squeeze us into submission. Buzzard-picked selections gnaw at the foundations of our Christmas trees. Rock-bottom prices at faceless chains compete with our comrades struggling to offer local and often handmade goods at fair prices. Anguish, disappointment and road rage lie in wait at every turn, ready to strike fear in the hearts of children, parents and pets!
My fellow soldiers: Fear not this economy, which, though only marginally better than last year, shows signs of improvement. Women and men: What has happened in years past must be forgotten! We are but vessels of the here and now, and our comrades and friends need our help. He or she who dares only to patronize corporate interests has insulted the honor of this united local citizenry.
Our recent struggles have proven we are a sacrificing nation who can, under duress, survive on very little. We are not but a nation of crass consumers. As a result of our suffering, we have received as reward a new wealth: the wealth of knowledge that mistletoe and roaring fires and children's laughter are our true calling this holiday season, and that shopping is a time-suck.
Your mission, dear comrades, should you choose to accept it, is to defeat the frustration and hassle of holiday shopping by following this strategic guide. Buy locally whenever possible by visiting the independently owned stores in your neighborhood before venturing out to big boxes. Spend your money wisely. Take time to enjoy your family and yourselves. The fate of our fair city hangs in the balance!
Holiday Gift Guide 2009:
Get in the seasonal spirit without losing your mind or wallet
Don't buy these gifts for my children—or anyone else's
Impress your musician friends with custom local gear
Find the perfect books—both new and old—for your hipster niece (and your Yankee neighbor, and your brother the foodie...)
Please the audiophile and the square alike with these swingin’ sets
Flex that flexible spending account
Shop locally without even leaving your house
Give the gift of top-of-the-line electronics
Shop local for one-of-a-kind gifts so you look like a beacon of good taste (and, uh, help the local economy)
Spice up your gifts with a slew of booze
Have a Jew Christmas: What to choose for the chosen people
Find plenty of delicious stocking stuffers within walking distance
Get in the seasonal spirit without losing your mind or wallet
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