I’ll do a lot to get a good story. Perfect “The Crow” look for Goth night? Hell yeah. But don a stiff suit and shellac my hair into a conservative coif to play politicianado? That’s too wild for me. So it took some major cajoling (and hairspray) to get me to audition for Showtime’s American Candidate.
There’s already a buzz about this series, thanks to the A-list production team and Fox News, CNN, Trendcentral and others. The 12 American Candidates will embark on the trials of running for office and get whittled down by the viewing public. The winner receives $200,000 and the chance to run for president as the people’s candidate.
Adam Dread, whom Showtime has recruited to recruit for the thing, is hell-bent on getting a Nashvillian in the running, so he enlisted local auteur Flick Wiltshire to film our makeshift campaign speeches. During the audition, I was asked deep questions like, “What would your inaugural party be like?” (Go-go dancers galore.) Then there was, “Would you legalize marijuana?” (Yes, and then super-tax it to boost the economy.) Many thanks to the illustrious J. Rotten and S. Vicious for help with my campaign speech: “I don’t know what I want, but I know how to get it. I want to destroy, possibly.”
For now, the other contestants are confidential, but I can say that Nashville’s potentials include a Music Row mogul, a perky pastor, an Alabama-born author, a former pageant princess, a popular TV trial lawyer, an attorney just back from Iraq.... The deadline to audition is April 9. Wouldn’t you like a shot at being leader of the free world (or at least having 15 minutes of fame)? My political savvy is scant, and my application was full of bull, so no worries if you don’t know Greenspan from Rumsfeld. Apply at www.americancandidate.com and e-mail Dread at firstname.lastname@example.org....
Speaking of bull, many die-hard clubbers greet the words “The Trap” with obvious disdain. The Trap’s parking lot is stacked with intimidating trucks, the clientele runs the gamut of honky tonk habitué, and whoever decided to advertise it as “part Sex and the City” obviously never watched the show. Still, the trucker hat, cheap necktie and mullet have all been elevated to the status of beloved kitsch, so why not the mechanical bull?
As you cruise the no-man’s land between downtown and East Nashville, you can see the mechanical bull glaring out from The Trap’s tinted windows. Some bulls are nothing more than a hump of motorized Naugahyde, but this bucking beast boasts a real head and sharp horns. A grizzled old cowhand controls the critter with finesse and definitely favors the ladies. For girls, some low-rise jeans and a hint of butt cleavage will ensure an easy ride. For guys, good luck and hold fast! A shot of liquid courage may help. Whether authentically outfitted in well-worn Wranglers or packaged in the latest Diesels, no ass lasts long on that bull.
A few young patrons in flannels and faded jeans kept pointing at us. “Is that Clay Aiken?” they finally asked, referring to spiky-haired Derrick Lachney. “Yes, it is,” we whispered, “But he’s keeping a low profile tonight.” The admirers took pictures from afar and cheered for “Clay” as he gave new meaning to the term “rough rider.” Make no mistake, The Trap is a veritable honky-tonk palace with a reputation for attracting a tough, redneck clientele. It’s more Clarksville or Sevierville than Nashville. During football season, the rowdiest fans in Tennessee saddle up their doublewides to tailgate at The Trap. Expect some scowls from the gritty regulars as you check out the big-haired blondes. Cowboy hats are optional, but tight jeans are de rigueur.
Unless you’re an old hand at honky- tonk, consider The Trap an adventure. Check your inhibitions at the door, order a round of Bud and prepare for a hilarious time. There is a raw sexiness to riding the bull. Note to The Trap’s owners: It’s a Daisy Duke, not Carrie Bradshaw, sexy. Please help to end the annoying habit of labeling anything remotely sexy as à la Carrie.
This Friday, Ultimo Productions brings the award-winning, dynamo DJ Sandra Collins to the Pub of Love Ballroom, and an “Untitled” art show visits Hair of the Dog. Dare to be freaky this Saturday? Check out illusionist Jason Michael’s erotic magic show at Club Platinum.
By amy waddell
To report about unholy gatherings, sex toys, pretty boys or the drug du jour, e-mail Amy at email@example.com.