Florida Further Than You Thought 

Florida Further Than You Thought; New study reveals time-space warp across rural South

New study reveals time-space warp across rural South

Every Nashvillian who has ever complained about the length of a driving trip to Florida can feel vindicated—the trip actually is a lot longer than the road signs say.

Scientists at Nashville’s Barnard-Seyfert Astronomical Society are about to release a revolutionary study that reveals a mysterious bulge in the surface of the earth across the southern U.S. The bulge, which the report calls the mid-piedmont prominence, runs roughly from Columbia, S.C., to Natchez, Miss.

“It took sophisticated analysis of thousands of satellite photographs to confirm this, but this prominence does exist and has the effect of distorting space and time, making a car trip from one side to the other much further than traditional road measurements would indicate,” says the astronomical society’s Tycho Redstone.

“For example, a traditional atlas indicates that from Atlanta to Valdosta, Ga., is 230 miles, but anybody who has driven through south Georgia knows it’s a lot further than that,” Redstone says. “That trip goes directly across the mid-piedmont prominence, and it turns out by our measurements that Valdosta is actually 647 miles from Atlanta.”

Similarly, he says, a bulge in south Alabama makes the trek from Birmingham to Panama City, Fla., clock in at 723 miles rather than the 280 shown on the Internet site Mapquest.

“If this is true, it will require a complete reworking of our atlases,” says Randy McNally, the great grandson of the founder of the Rand McNally map company. “But we’d like to see more evidence than this one study.”

But many Nashvillians who have made car trips to Florida are already sold on the accuracy of the study. Says one: “This rings more true than any scientific study I’ve ever read. I’ll bet there are people out on I-75 who started out in 1974 and still haven’t made it as far as Valdosta.”

(The Fabricator is satire. Don’t believe everything you read.)

But many Nashvillians who have made car trips to Florida are already sold on the accuracy of the study. Says one: “This rings more true than any scientific study I’ve ever read. I’ll bet there are people out on I-75 who started out in 1974 and still haven’t made it as far as Valdosta.”

(The Fabricator is satire. Don’t believe everything you read.)

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