Every mommy knows the most boring pick-up line in the world—the one for car riders
by Lindsay Ferrier
Since my 5-year-old started kindergarten back in August, I've become intimately acquainted with that circle of hell commonly known as the car-rider pickup line.
Despite the fact that I live just five minutes from school, it takes me a good 30 minutes of waiting in an endless line of cars each day before I can collect my daughter and chauffeur her home. I spend that time reading, listening to music, and imagining all sorts of highly improbable things about the other moms and dads around me. But it's getting old. Real old.
"Why don't you join a carpool?" my friend Barbara asked over coffee the other day as I complained bitterly. "I know Susan does one in Poplar Ridge. That's not far from you."
Woefully, I shook my head. Barbara didn't know it, but I'd already done the carpool thing long enough to realize my style probably wouldn't be appreciated by the other parents.
I learned this five years ago, when my eldest stepdaughter started high school. Eagerly, I signed up to ferry an SUV-load of sullen teens home from school a few days a week. I'd thought my extensive Beastie Boys CD collection would get me in with their crowd, but the eyerolls and grimaces that greeted me each time I pulled into the school parking lot told me otherwise.
Battling sinking self-esteem and newly visible crow's feet, I did what any reluctantly aging stepmom would do: I struck back.
The first time I found an opportunity was when I spotted one of my carpool riders, who we'll call Sam, smoking cigarettes with his friends in a strip mall parking lot beside the school. Sam wasn't riding that day, but I pulled up to the curb anyway and rolled down the passenger window.
"Sammy!" I shouted. His shoulders stiffened and he quickly dropped his cigarette on the sidewalk, but he didn't turn around. "Oh, Sammykins!"
Slowly, Sam turned around and spotted me. "Are you riding carpool today, Sammy? Does your mama need me to take you home?"
His friends snickered.
"No!" He croaked. "No! Please! No!"
"Okay then! Bye, Sammy! See you at church Wednesday night!" Smirking, I drove away.
Sam was careful to keep the cigarettes hidden after that, but when my second charge, Amanda, got herself a new boyfriend, she started causing carpool problems.
"Are you sure Amanda's riding today?" I asked my stepdaughter one day, after we'd been idling in the parking lot for 10 minutes.
"I'm sure," she said. "She was here and then she said she had to go back to get her cell phone."
After a few more minutes, Amanda and her boyfriend came ambling into the parking lot, arm in arm. As she lazily scanned the cars and focused in on my SUV, I made a big show of looking around, throwing up my hands and shrugging my shoulders. Then I drove away.
"What are you doing?!" my stepdaughter squealed.
"Just making sure she's not late again," I said.
I looked in the rearview mirror and noted with satisfaction that Amanda had broken into a run, trying to catch us before we left the parking lot. As I looped back around, she stopped and smiled wanly, realizing she'd been had. I drove up to where she was standing...and kept right on going.
"Lindsay!" my stepdaughter yelped. In the parking lot, a group of kids pointed and laughed. I circled back and passed her one more time before finally stopping to let her get in.
Amanda was never late for carpool again. I was pretty sure I could count on my teenage carpool riders to never rat me out to their parents, but with the elementary school set, I couldn't be so sure. Tears would almost certainly result from my old standby prank of locking the car doors every time the kids tried to get in. Then there was the matter of making sure everyone was buckled up.
After that, I'd be treated to multiple demands for McDonald's french fries and juice boxes. And while I had managed to accustom my own kids to an iPod playlist that was heavy on Radiohead and Imogen Heap, I could imagine that might not go over so well with the neighbors' kids.
"No," I told Barbara sadly, stirring my coffee. "I'm just too devoted for carpool."
And so, if you're looking for me, try the car-rider pickup line. It's only a matter of time before I've used up all my tricks and become a fixture in the driveway of my daughter's school, petrified from permanent boredom.
Read more Suburban Turmoil at www.suburbanturmoil.com.
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Comments (21)
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"Despite the fact that I live just five minutes from school, it takes me a good 30 minutes of waiting in an endless line of cars each day before I can collect my daughter and chauffeur her home." Why not walk? 5 minutes is nothing and it would be good for you and your kid.
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There's a small matter of trying to navigate a sidewalk-free highway with a two-year-old and cars and semis barreling by at 50+ miles per hour. Also, walking would take a good two hours. But other than that, GREAT IDEA!!
You had me at "circle of hell" :)! This is the story of my life. I never was able to pick up my stepdaughter from high school because I lived too far away, but I sure identify with having to wait in the long line for pick ups. Our school doesn't even have a parking lot, you just park on the street. I'm going to keep your "experiences" in my back pocket for when my son gets a bit older. Too funny! K http://kellis-world.blogspot.com/
Now I completely understand why my mother signed me up for after school care...even if it was only for 30 minutes each day! My step son in (gasp) a bus rider and I fully expect my daughter to be one too! www.brookeblogsthis.blogspot.com
I like carpool. With 2 little ones at home it is the only semi-me time I get. And since I got my Droid Eris there is not enough time to read my Twitter feed and respond or search the market for more apps. Carpool has, also, offered me time to read the magazines that pile up on my counter, thumb through the million and one Christmas catalogs that come everyday, make phone calls that I can't make at home because of screaming kids, clean the inside of my car (I am not talking just clearing out trash, but some hardcore cleaning.) and the list goes on. I treasure my carpool time, because it is the only time the kids can legally be strapped in. Maybe next time I will tell what I can get done in the hour that my daughter is in gymnastics or in the 2 hours between gymnastics class and the end of school. I think one of my son's arms is longer than the other from me dragging him from one errand to the next. http://soulprncs2.wordpress.com/
I hated carpool last year too. At their age its more listen to them whine or fight and thats not my stlye. I take my kid to school in the morning and let him ride the bus home from school. He is no worse for the wear yet... hattahall.blogspot.com
i can definitely commiserate. with two kids at two different schools, i feel like i spend way too much time in the car. i can't even imagine what it will be like when we start sports and after-school stuff and my other two start school too...help! the thought of all that time in the car is just too, too overwhelming right now (particularly when i consider how cold the temps are right now).
I still say you should stage a civil disobedience protest and just walk your daughter to school and back every day, it would take about the same amount of time, or less, but it would be time with her and exercise. shelaughsatthedays.blogspot.com
er, never mind. Just saw your reply to the walking question. reading comments first could be helpful. :) I love the story about leaving the late girl behind BTW. Great way to teach her. :)
Thanks for the heads up as we are zoned for that same school in two years! If you become a petrified statue, maybe the school can make a fountain around you and collect money in order to save for a better drop off/pick up system!
So comforting. I like screaming after my 15 year old daughter when she's taking her sweet time in the school yard. "I'm right here Ani!! Don't worry! I would never forget you my little angel of love and light and all that is good! That's right sweetheart! Mommy is here!" It's amazing how she suddenly picks up the pace.
So comforting. I like screaming after my 15 year old daughter when she's taking her sweet time in the school yard. "I'm right here Ani!! Don't worry! I would never forget you my little angel of love and light and all that is good! That's right sweetheart! Mommy is here!" It's amazing how she suddenly picks up the pace. http://www.theladyslounge.com
Hey! Have you thought about the bus since you live so close? The bus drops Smith off right in front of our house. It is wonderful!
Hey! Have you thought about the bus since you live so close? The bus drops Smith off right in front of our house. It is wonderful!
You live 5 minutes away? ANd you drive that????You would only spend half the time if you walked her back and forth and get some nice walk and talk time...throw Bruiser in the stroller and have at it!
Yeah I don't know if I'd want to be responsible for a car full of children. I wish this process were easier, it sounds like it's every parent's worst nightmare. http://sprocketswife.blogspot.com/
i live in a small apartment complex and my neighbor is so lazy that she gets in her car and drives a half a block up to the corner to pick up her kid at the bus stop. i guess she is afraid to let him walk anywhere... he is already fat and she is encouraging it even more.
